TF2 weapons vs Fallout weapons Part 1: Guns that make holes in people

Team Fortress 2 and the Fallout series are both well known for having a dizzying selection of firepower to command, and while the choice can be overwhelming, there is a gun to suit all manners of tastes. Yet the universal truth is no two weapons are created equal. To answer the ultimate question of which game has the better quality of create-dead-people-emitters, I will examine 18 weapons from both the TF2 and Fallout universes. There will be 9 comparisons; 1 for each TF2 class. Some quick rules for fairness;

  • All Fallout weapons will be assumed to be fully upgraded and 100% condition, the wielder will be assumed to have 10 S.P.E.C.I.A.L and 100 skill in all stats.
  • All weapons must be of a similar nature or theme. No comparing the Backburner to a 10mm Pistol.
  • This article is for fun. While weapon science and number calculations might be brought up, my final decision is of my own possibly bias opinion.
  • No Fallout perks are active. Otherwise there wouldn’t be a contest.
  • Team Fortress 2 class abilities will be ignored. Scout melee speed, resistance to own explosive to allow explosive jumping or class movement speed are examples of this.
  • Ignore the fact that Fallout is a single player game and TF2 is a multiplayer game. While in TF2, weapons need to be balanced, Fallout isn’t as restrictive since NPCs can’t complain. Fallout’s advantage is countered by people in the TF2 universe having a much higher tolerance of injury, TF2 weapons hit harder than they first appear.
  • Random crits don’t exist.
  • All units are assumed to be universal.
  • No mention of Fallout Equestria.
I invite any and all complaints and criticism.
I invite any and all complaints and criticism.

Information is from the Official Team Fortress Wiki and Nukapedia, and my own experiences. Links will be provided throughout the articles for reader pleasure. Boring rules out of the way, let’s see which universe is packing the best heat!


#1. Sandman vs Baseball Bat (GRA)

We begin the discussion of which game has the bigger stick by examining which game has the better stick.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I got a glock pointed at your forehead,  so don't f**k with me.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I got a glock pointed at your forehead,  so don’t f**k with me.

Don’t let the Sandman’s simple looks fool you, this weapon inspired fear in the heart of Medic/Heavy pairs everywhere on release. While it functions the same as all other Scout melees, having the classes’ double melee speed at the cost of half the damage, it comes with an important difference. For a hefty -15 max health you get the ability to stun enemies at range, for a full 7 seconds at max range. Thanks to a fast moving baseball and a low arc, this is easy to do time and time again.

The only thing this Mr Sandman will give you is nightmares and a sore head.
The only thing this Mr Sandman will give you is nightmares and a sore head.

Fallout’s Baseball Bat is a more bland standard videogame version, appearing in merchant’s stores once Fallout New Vegas’ Gun Runners’ Arsenal is loaded, this baseball bat comes with some nails, cork core and marple body lovingly attached. While the only reason the Sandman can be swung so fast is due to the Scout’s impressive melee speed, this weapon can be swung almost twice a second at 1.7 swings per second. Since we aren’t counting class abilities, we are judging the weapons, the Sandman gets 1.2 swings per second. While the damage per swing wouldn’t be much more deadly than the Sandman, it can perform a “Grand Slam” move that allows double the damage, but a reduced rate of fire.

A F:NV GRA Baseball Bat with all modifications. Wouldn't the baseballs get stuck in a nail every time you bat?
A F:NV GRA Baseball Bat with all modifications. Wouldn’t the baseballs get stuck in a nail every time you bat?

Edge: Sandman. While the Baseball Bat (GRA) is the superior in melee combat, the ability to stun enemies is a powerful and a rare ability that is useful in all situations. Despite having a severe downside, this melee weapons stays useful and effective even outside melee range.


 

#2. Air Strike vs Red Glare

The next two weapons are the embodiment of the American spirit; Loud, attention grabbing, inspiring shock and awe, and covered in more stars and raw patriotism than a decorated veteran. But do they hit as hard as they look?

What I'm saying is, are they fabulous?
What I’m saying is, are they fabulous?

The Air Strike is an interesting weapon, gaining a larger clip size, from 3 to 8, 1 per kill, with a reload of 6.52 seconds at full clip, assuming barrel is empty. At the cost of a reduced blast radius and less damage than the default Rocket Launcher, it also gains +65% firerate while blast jumping, giving about 280DPS with full clip, point blank. Lackluster on the ground, but the rate of fire isn’t something to laugh at in the air…

While making this I couldn't stop laughing.
While making this I couldn’t stop laughing.

…Till the Red Glare comes into the picture. The Red Glare is a high-tech missile launcher found within the ashes of Fallout New Vegas’ Lonesome Road‘s post-war Hopeville and Ashton. Installed fully with mods, it comes with a jaw dropping +200% rocket speed, +25% fire rate and a x4.35 scope that allows it to empty it’s 13 rocket canister in under 3 seconds. That’s over 300 dps not factoring in reload. The ability to reload by canister means reloads are faster than if manually reloading each rocket, at 6.8s total, but this time is still a problem. Thankfully the Red Glare’s sheer overkill means no one will be left standing, so with careful timing ambushing risk can be reduced. The scope allows you to hit targets at medium range with high accuracy, because the Gods of balance were one of the many casualties of the Great War.

All American steel with a difference; It works.
All American steel with a difference; It works.

Edge: Red Glare. This piece of Old War tech wins hands down, beating the Air Strike even if blast jumping, point blank range and with a clip size of 8. Being effective from the first moment of deployment, and not needing any temporary situational boasts, this is easily the superior. There is a reason this gun can be carried around from beginning to end game with a smile on the courier’s face all the time through.


 

#3. Backburner vs Heavy incinerator

Since man first discovered fire, he had pondered “How can I throw fire at people efficiently?” Well, some clever Engineers gave into their desire to spread pain and suffering and created the first Flamethrower!

Results of usage may vary.
Results of usage may vary.

The Phlogistinator has no airblast, the Stock Flamethrower has no niche but being “Good… enough” and the Degreaser’s direct fire and afterburn damage is laughable. The Backburner is an ambusher’s weapon, but also the only proper flamethrower that’s suited for flaming without being restricted.  True Pyromancers go Backburner for just when everything must burn. With 200 ammo and no need to ever reload, it’s possible to flame forever to your burnt little heart’s desire. 16 seconds of firing max if you don’t. With max damage of 170.5 point blank with all particles hitting, 525 if from behind, this weapon highly impressive… In theory. Sadly the Backburner works off a poor lag compensation system so number will never hit this high, but even at 130 point blank and 270 from behind, from my experience this isn’t bad. Afterburn is a standard 60 damage spread over 10 seconds. The Backburner also contains an ability not found in the Fallout Universe; Airblast. Even if the Backburner can run out of ammo in seconds if misusing the airblast, the ability to control enemy movement, reflect projectiles and douse flames makes the Backburner a formidable firearm.

Please ignore my sidetracking in the previous paragraph with this sitting Pyro.
Please ignore my sidetracking in the previous paragraph with this sitting Pyro.

The Heavy incinerator of Fallout 3‘s Broken Steel fame, is a fire based weapon with a difference. Unlike the other flamers found in Fallout 3, this gun lobs hot balls of death over insane distances with accuracy that frankly shouldn’t be allowed. With 35 damage from direct damage, 45 from the splash, and 40 damage worth of afterburn spread over 5 seconds, this weapon might not hit as hard as the Backburner at close range, but its makes up for it from mid to long range. With 320 DPS, it can empty its 24 shots in 6 seconds, but has a quick 1.5 second reload.

Shooting from one shore to another, Sniper Rifles have trouble shooting at these ranges, but not this gun, physics be damned.
Shooting from one shore to another, Sniper Rifles have trouble shooting at these ranges, but not this gun, physics be damned.

Edge: Tie. Told you I was bias. All flamers in the Fallout universe are outranked by all flamethrowers in TF2 due to airblast (or crits in the case of the Phlog), yet the Heavy incinerator is so different, with great raw damage over large areas, it can’t really be compared. Close range Backburner, Medium range I give both since airblasts is a highly useful feature, Long range I give Heavy incinerator for raw damage. Happy now, Vroom Vroom?


 

#4. Stickybomb Launcher vs Experimental MIRV

If you want the ultimate in explosive weapons, you don’t look too far from both these weapons. The Stickybomb Launcher, Sticky Launcher for short, SL for the lazy, is a powerful weapon in the hands of a expert. The Experimental MIRV is a powerful weapon in the hands of everyone, it just has the unfortunate habit of sending its user into low orbit. The Sticky Launcher is a Tricky One. Or was it Sticky one? Whatever the case, for years people have argued over if it is too powerful. Honestly the quality of arguments have varied so much that the SL now sounds also like a evil mythical beast on the SPUF forums. At times it is heavily exaggerated, but I assume the rare sighting of someone detonating a single stickybomb is pictured below.

Just wait till he starts winbombing.
Just wait till he starts winbombing.

Whatever the case, people can agree on the fact it has a clip size of 8, can have a max of 8 stickies out, require manual detonation, can do 120 damage at the base of the explosion, and it is fine or the antichrist a weapon wielded by Demoman. This weapon is exceptional at medium to long range, but at close range there is a problem of the 0.92 second arm time. The weapon can also be used to lay sticky traps and for areal denial. There is no question this is a good weapon, but is it as good as they say?

Since SPUF said so, it must be. Who would lie on the internet?
Since SPUF said so, it must be. Who would lie on the internet?

The Experimental MIRV gives the SL a run for its money. Developed and found in Fallout 3’s National Guard depot behind a locked door, it requires a long unmarked quest to collect 5 holotapes for a password to the door. One of the most undeniable weapon kings of the entire Fallout series is in your hands. So what is the MIRV? A clue is the name; MIRV stands for Multiple Independent Reentry Vehicle.

The best weapons use penis metaphors.
The best weapons use penis metaphors.

A Fatman is basically a grenade launcher that launches a mini-nuke that can 1 shot all but the highest, on-par-with-with-a-boss-fight level enemies in the game. It only takes 2 mini-nukes for them. As awesome as it sounds, the mini nukes are so rare, and the explosion so overkill, it is unlikely you will ever need to use the gun unless for fun. The MIRV is where awesome but impractical  is turned to 11. It fires 8 mini-nukes. 8. When 1 was overkill and was likely to get you killed!

I think it's slight overkill for killing a rat.
I think it’s slight overkill for killing a rat.

With a clip size of 8, and firing once every 3 seconds, the weapon does 80 direct damage (If all 8 nukes somehow hit) and 12800 explosive damage (again if all 8 nukes somehow hit), across a huge area, firing at your feet also allows your destroyed corpse to bounce off the insanely high skybox and get a nice view of the entire Capital Wasteland on the way back down.

He would be screaming, but he's dead.
He would be screaming, but he’s dead.

Light radiation is released after detonation, and the MIRV has an unfortunate projectile arc meaning if you aim at the horizontal it will always fire 3 nukes at your feet, so aim up! Edge: MIRV… What did you expect? Do I even have to say more? BONUS MATH ROUND! Who can survive this thing?

When Maths gets angry, people die.
When Maths gets angry, people die.

Thank god for the wiki, makes it some much easier to get numbers. Here is the health formula; 35287461248a7353bed7b955b2a2f7a3 So, with max Endurance of 10, and max level of 30 (Due to Broken Steel being installed), you have 590 health. With the perks Life Giver and the health increase version of Survival Guru, we have +30 health and +15 health respectfully. Current Max Health without chems is now 635 health. With the chem Buffout, will gain +60 max health, so now the Max Health Cap is 695 health. Damage resistance is capped at 85%, but it is easy to reach over this cap, even without chems. Full T-51b power armor gives 60 DR, the Cyborg and Toughness perks gives +10% DR each, and the Barkskin perk gives +5% damage resistance. 85 DR, easy as pie, but there are a number of different ways to reach the cap. Finally, our ace in the hole; VATS. The reason the game got so broken at high levels is because VATS made the user invincible against all attacks while giving perfect high damage crit aim. So, if you are in VATS when hit by the 8 nukes, you only receive 10% of the damage. Let’s run the numbers. 12880 x 0.10 = 1288. Additional 85% resistance makes that 0.15 x 1288=193.2 damage… You will live with 501.8 health! That’s a surprise! Just goes to show how broken VATS was in Fallout 3. Noteable mention: The Lone Wanderer isn’t alone. His companions Dogmeat and Fawkes with Broken Steel installed at level 30 have 15,000 health. Each. That’s 2120 health after being hit with the most powerful weapon in the game. They can’t wear armour, but why would they need to? I told you balance was dead.

You laughed. Who is laughing now?
You laughed. Who is laughing now?

Next time, we’ll look at even more weapons!

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