My Little Mercenaries

The following series of words condensed into sentences and paragraphs was written at half past three in the morning while the author was drunk on Doctor Pepper. As such, it is not to be taken seriously.

Team Fortress 2 had been paired with many games, such as Borderlands, Left 4 Dead, Alien: Isolation and even Plants vs Zombies and (if you tilt your head, let your eyes unfocus and squint while in a dark room) some might even say Five Nights At Freddy’s.

Much rarer though, is being paired with popular TV shows. There’s at least two references to Doctor Who, with Spy’s Fez and the item “Dr. Whoa”, which is a bow tie for Spy and Medic. There’s a few other items that add bow ties to other classes, as well as a Fez for Heavy. Whether or not it makes your character cooler is up for debate.

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And then there’s the dozens of Fedoras and Trilbys, but that’s not what we’re here to talk about.

There are a certain series of words that can freeze just about any TF2 player in their tracks and send a horrible chill down their spine.

No, it’s not “Hawkshadow’s making another Australium skin that looks more like brass or bronze.”

Nah, the words are “So, does anyone like My Little Pony?”

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Uttering those words will usually result in a wave of hatred towards the series which seems utterly baffling.

My Little Pony is a show about the magic of friendship where rainbows can turn people to stone or purge them of evil, while the power of love can outright murder them or doom their entire race to extinction.

In this colorful children’s show, we watch the day-to-day activities of roughly ten or eleven ponies. The hundreds of others seen in the background don’t matter. Not yet, anyway; they’re all part of a bigger master plan that can’t be spoken about without having gorilla ninjas armed with great white sharks breaking into your home and beating you with said sharks.

Anywho, these ponies all live under the watchful eye of their tyrannical ruler who controls the sun and her sister who controls the moon, but doesn’t have any decent character development beyond looking into the dreams of her subjects and manipulating them to keep them happy.

That’s right, My Little Mercenaries, Big Sister Luna is watching you. Better not have any free will or independent thinking or else you’ll find yourself banished to the moon for a thousand years or made into a living statue.

Anyway, the outcry against My Little Pony in the Team Fortress 2 community seems rather ridiculous since the players that like the show tend to keep to themselves, and any mods they have installed are client-side. The sprays can be disabled and are often utilized by many players, fans or not, to serve as a distraction to line up an easy backstab or headshot.

Back when Meet the Pyro was released, everyone took one look at Pyroland and screamed “EQUESTRIA!” despite there being absolutely no ties between the two. Pyroland is closer to the Adult Swim game “Candy Mountain Massacre” in terms of design, being a magical land filled with candy while you murder evil leprechauns or whatever.

Valve later released The Magical Mercenary, which is a pink unicorn head with a yellow horn. This also included custom voice lines that clearly referred to things such as Unicorn Friendship Magic and pretty pink Unicorns.

“If there are any unicorns prettier than me, I will find them. I will follow them. And no one will see those unicorns again.”

“Men, these are the facts as I understand them. One, I am the prettiest unicorn. Two, my mane is lustrous and fragrant and catches the wind perfectly.”

“Dominated. By a unicorn. You are pathetic, son.”

“The unicorn queen can’t ignore me now.”

The item itself is (unfortunately/thankfully) Full Moon restricted, despite it being a perfect Pyroland item.

Recently, Medic also got himself a pair of wings that look similar to the wings on a Pegasus Pony. By equipping both the Magical Mercenary and Wings of Purity, Medic can become an Alicorn.

“I AM A GOD!”

Alas, he didn’t get any voice lines for the Magical Mercenary. Nor did anyone throw up a fuss about the item.

Whether or not you’re a fan of the show, you don’t have to go out of your way to make the lives of those that do or don’t miserable.

Just play the game and focus on helping your team, even if it’s filled with Gibusvision Mercenary Heavies or four Snipers.

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