The Bacteria Blocker

As anyone who had read my posts knew, I like cosmetics. More specifically, the lesser-known and less popular cosmetics. That’s because a) I can stand out without needing to shell out for an Unusual since not many people wear them, b) they’re normally quite cheap, and most importantly, c) they are still very solid choices in most cases and are nicely modeled, so I still get to look OK wearing them. In most cases, I can find some niche for it, build a loadout around it and get some karma at r/tf2fashionadvice. But then, some cosmetics are beyond redemption. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you… This.

The Bacteria Blocker is … wait, why the hell is this for Scout and not Medic? It’s a surgeon’s cloak! Yeah, I know, the “cosmetics go with the classes’ themes” concept had long gone to hell when this made its debut in a nameless July 2013 patch along with its fellow Adult Swim-inspired cosmetics, but what the bloody hell? Does the Scout have anything to do with healing? The only thing related to healing that the Scout does is to steal my damn medkit when I’m on fire and dying just so he can heal the 12HP fall damage he took from because he accidentally leaped off a cliff! What? The Scout can heal others with Mad Milk and the Candy Cane? Whoop-de-freaking-doo, as if Scouts can now heal more then Medi Gun.

GIVE THAT BACK!

*sigh* Anyways, As I was about to say, it’s really hard to come up with anything for this particular cosmetic. Last I check, Scout doesn’t have any medical or hazmat-themed cosmetics. And it’s not as if it’s something like the Sneaky Spats of Sneaking that’s super subtle and just fits into other loadouts. This is a bluish-green plastic hood that is covering about two-thirds of the Scout’s head. And no, having it being paintable really doesn’t help.

On it’s own, this cosmetic isn’t much to write home about either. It looks a bit like a goop monster slowly enveloping and devouring Scout’s head. I suppose you could just paint it bright yellow and pretend to be a meth cook, a la Breaking Bad, but Scout doesn’t get a gas mask either. Or maybe you can try to dress Scout up as Jesse Pinkman.

Pictured with a cancer-stricken chemistry teacher. Honestly, if I really want to look like Jesse Pinkman I’ll wear the Troublemaker’s Tossle Cap.

Ditching the medical theme, maybe we can find a niche for it. You could wear it with the MK 50 or the Captain Space Mann, as a sort of astronaut’s headcap, but the Universal Translator and the Polar Pullover exist and are available for all classes. You could paint it Balaclavas are Forever, pair it with a Bruiser’s Bandanna painted the same colour and the Dead of Night, and be a discount Spy with the Back Scatter, but I can just wear the Executioner and be done with it. Maybe you could … maybe … ARGH THAT’S IT!

GET BACK HERE

For the last bloody time, Valve can you at least give us cosmetics that we can actually work with! What the bloody hell is this? Nothing works with it! Nothing! If you give it to Medic at the very least I can make a surgeon set! And since this is done in association with Adult Swim you probably can’t just make a Medic version now can you? What am I suppose to do with this glorified plastic bag now? AND GET BACK HERE YOU STUPID LITTLE COSMETIC I WILL CHOP YOU UP I HATE YOU YOU STUPID PLASTIC SHEET I WILL TEAR YOU A NEW HOLE AND [CENSORED]

*sigh* Man, when it comes down to it, promotional cosmetics is just horrible aesthetics-wise. The Bacteria Blocker just so happens to be one of the worst offenders so far.

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