What if Valve teamed up with Lego?

In AD 2010, the epic story-driven Lego theme known as Bionicle met its rushed end. Fans of Lego everywhere were devastated. Not only was the demise of Bionicle sudden, it also ended with the most disappointing wave of toys they’d produced. Those were some dark days. It was thought that Lego’s greatest project, which had lasted for ten glorious years, would be lost forever.

Earlier this year, whispers began to surface, rumors of a return for the theme. Before the Lego Movie, Bionicle was as mainstream as Lego ever got. It maintained a huge fanbase even after it was cancelled. Some of those fans dug deep and eventually uncovered leaked images, tiny snippets here and there, all the while remaining skeptical. But recently any doubt was swept aside, for Lego themselves have confirmed the return of Bionicle in 2015!

What has this got to do with TF2? Well for starters, I’ve noticed a few SPUF users are also massive Bionicle fans. With the theme returning, why not do something to appeal to those fans and the newer audience Bionicle will generate? I think TF2 could do with a couple of new cosmetic items or even weapons. Here’s a hypothetical look at what might happen if Valve teamed up with Lego.

Headgear:

In the olden days of Bionicle, the majority of characters wore cool-looking Kanohi Masks. Depending on the mental ability of the user, their Mask could grant them amazing abilities. For example, the Mask of Strength could imbue a chap with skull-smashing physical power, while the Mask of Concealment could make one appear invisible. (sound like anyone in particular?) Perhaps Valve could develop masks for the game that augmented the natural abilities of certain classes. Mask of Accuracy for Sniper, Mask of Shielding for Medic. A trade-off could involve extra ammo costs for using them.

Clothing:

Bionicle is short for Biological Chronicle, but some people mistakenly call it Biomechanical Chronicle. This is because all the characters were (and are) biomechanical beings with robotic bodies controlled by organic tissue. They developed a wide range of armour styles, from the simple gear-based shells of the early villagers to the tank-like suits of some Toa warriors. Some of these designs could potentially be adapted to fit TF2 mercs, much in the style of the Samurai armour.

Pets:

I keep thinking about the Spycrab Plushie and its in-game counterpart. In Bionicle there were crabs too, called Ussal Crabs. In fact there was a vast number of animal and plant species (collectively called Rahi), many of which could be introduced as shoulder-dwelling pets. The Trickster’s Tarakava or the Hitman’s Hydruka could be popular exclusives.

Weaponz:

How about Bionicle-based weaponry? It may have been created for kids, but there were a heck of a lot of weapons in the original story. Everything from flaming swords to vampiric squid launchers. Below are some of my suggestions for such weapons that could be adapted to TF2.

• Cordak Blaster: A revolving rocket launcher that could fire six rockets in quick succession. Could be used by Soldier, but since it’s designed to use underwater, it would be of little use in rocket jumping and more in submarine ambushes. Could also easily be a minigun for Heavy.
• Squid Launcher: Strange as it sounds, they came up with a hand-held device for firing blood-sucking squid at enemies. Perhaps Medic could use this as a substitute for the Crusader’s Crossbow (reskin anyone?).
• Thornax Launcher: A simple gun that shoots explosive fruit. Yep, fruit. But to Demoman they’d look just like stickybombs.
• Sonic Vibration Sword: Does just what the label says. Could use high-powered sonic waves to disable enemy buildings temporarily, or perhaps interfere with an UberCharge.
• Jeterangs: Yep, one of the new 2015 guys has jet boomerangs as weapons. I bet Scout could have all kinds of fun with these!

Please keep in mind that all this is purely hypothetical and in no way relates to my Christmas wish list. Do not place any pressure on Valve or its employees to produce any of the above-listed items. What we should do is celebrate, for a second awesome age is coming, and the legend of Bionicle shall continue.

Alternatively, everyone could make a vast fortune with a LEGO 2fort set, complete with mercenary mini-figures.