I am Garen Crownguard, and I claim this blog in the name of DEMACIA!
Dear owners and readers of this blog, the so-called Daily SPUF,
You have been harboring dangerous beings, known for their crimes against my glorious city. Because of these actions, your blog is now forfeit, property of Demacia until deemed safe enough to be allowed a small amount of constitutional freedom. Or until the Institute of War decides to get off their lazy backsides and snatch this place so rightfully confiscated by us from our hands. But considering what happened, the latter is highly unlikely. Unfortunately for you.
From now on until further notice, all blog writers and publishers must swear their allegiance to Demacia and our Crown Prince, Jarvan Lightshield IV. You will also all be forced to join our military to help us kill honor-lacking, power-hungry Noxian scum. Yes, even you, you damn naked jumping ‘Demoman’ person. Put some clothes on. Actually, no, leave your clothes off and report to the Half-Dragon. The Elite Guard will find a use for you.
In the mean time, you blog beings can assist us. As I mentioned earlier, two incredibly sneaky beings have been using this blog to hide dangerous objects. You may have already seen one of these beings, the ever-learning Vel’Koz, who blew its cover by publishing an article about itself. For a being of the Void, it sure does have a bit of an ego. That article alerted us to the threat that we are all facing.
The other being we are pursuing is the monster known only as The Medic. A deranged, sadistic human who uses lies and his healing abilities to trick others into doing his bidding, often leaving them without their internal organs, and in five cases that we have uncovered, their skeletons. This Medic person is highly dangerous, known for having harmful mood swings, suddenly switching from perfectly friendly to being a nasty bitch at the drop of a sword. Reminds me of Katarina. Shudder.
The hazardous objects in question have been secretly imported and exported via this blog for the last year and a half. They are known as Opinions and are incredibly harmful, with the ability to warp the minds of others.
If you see either of these beings, please report them to a member of the Demacian Elite Guard immediately. You will be rewarded for any information you hand over. If you are exposed to any Opinions, you must immediately wash your eyes and ears out with bleach, then visit your nearest healer.
Also wanted are a so called aabicus for public indecency and a person called Confusion for abusing the tags function of this site. Your so called Medic may have been tolerant of this sort of thing, but GAREN IS NOT. FOR JUSTICE!
Thank you for your cooperation and welcome to Demacia. Enjoy your stay.