Or, as my alternate title was going to be, “HOLY FUCK WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WHERE’S THE BANK WHAT ARE WE DOING HELP!”
Kettlecamper said I’d write about this. He was right. I am writing about it. I’m very confused. There were explosions and drills and guns and hostages and people on the ground and jewellery and people making meth and perk trees and bad guns and cable ties and tasers and flashbangs and smoke grenades and fire and ammo kits and bags of stuff and body bags and I DON’T FUCKING KNOW.
Okay, deep breath Medic. Deep breath. Start from the beginning.
There’s a safe house. I put my mask on and got some money from some guy on the roof. I put some of said money on a statue and it opened up a secret passageway. There were some computers there and some other rooms. I looked around. It was alright. Weird random shooting gallery. A room for my masks. A room full of doors.
The first thing I learned that wasn’t from a game prompt (G to put your mask on. G to throw a bag of money. F to put stuff on the statue.) was that you can’t close doors and opening them is really hard. You can use a lockpick but that leaves you vulnerable. You can blow it up or shoot it if there’s glass or something, I’m not sure. Then there’s drills. They always break. You will probably have to restart it. Which makes no sense.
Alright, I’ve wandered around my safehouse. Kettlecamper comes along and says “Let’s play a heist!” I say cool and ask if there’s an easy beginner heist. “Yeah, but this one will get you to like level 30 or something.” Alright then. I pick my character – Clover, since I haven’t unlocked Old Hoxton yet. Off I go to rob a bank!
Except I don’t. We’ve headed to a jewellery store somewhere. There’s a couple of police hanging around. Kettlecamper has a silencer and kills them, telling me to go shout at the civilians. So that’s what I do. Then suddenly an alarm goes off and Kettlecamper restarts and we try again. Turns out, you shout at someone, they get on the ground. You can then tie them up with cable ties. I quickly learned that these heisters DON’T CARRY ENOUGH CABLE TIES. Only 5? They’re so cheap and light, carry a whole pack! Once everyone’s down, we take out a few extra people and Kettlecamper says “break the glass and steal shit”, so I do that. Meanwhile, Kettlecamper has set up a drill.
We empty the store and load it all in the truck. Then we wait for the drill. Kettlecamper kills some random security guard. We wait some more. The drill breaks. We fix it. 40 seconds. We wait. The safe opens. We grab the money and leg it.
Alright, we have money now! And a fuckton of skill points for some reason. Kettlecamper was right about the giant boost. So while I spend a fucking eternity unlocking things in my Skill tree and completely forgetting about those perk things, Kettlecamper decides to invite some friends so we can do a ‘grinding’ mission – making meth in a house in the middle of nowhere. I realise that I forgot to get a new gun, since the two starter weapons are awwwwwwwwful.
For reasons unknown, the place is already under attack. We hadn’t even started making the damn meth! There was shooting and explosions and all sorts. I ran out of ammo twice. If there were ammo kits outside of the bathroom, I didn’t know. I got shot down a lot. I tried reviving someone but someone else shouted and they immediately got back to their feet. I started shooting at a cop and it turns out he’d turned traitor and was helping us. There was a guy with a taser and a flashbang who constantly pissed us off. The others were collecting ingredients and cooking stuff. All I could do was sit in a doorway and shoot things. Map was really dark as well, so I couldn’t see.
Somehow, a good 10 minutes later, we cooked enough meth to be able to make it worth the trip. I grab a bag and we run outside and we throw it in our escape van and we leave.
Somehow, we won. Apparently. I don’t know.
I’m still confused.