Damn Bloody Space Kids

I am very angry with Warframe right now. Unbelievably angry. I am sick and tired of these damn bloody space kids. I hate them. They’re horrible.

“But Medic!” you ask, “Medic, why the hell are there children in a game about space ninjas?”

I don’t fucking know. It’s all to do with the Second Dream and the War Within, finding out that we’re not actually wearing these awesome biomechanical ninja suits of death, oh no, we’re telepathically controlling them from a chair in the back of our ship.

This was about as much as your space kid ever moved.
This was about as much as your space kid ever moved. At least, before the War Within.

Originally though, that wasn’t too bad. The Second Dream kept the space kids firmly out of sight. If you didn’t want to use Focus, you didn’t have to. You could ignore the whole space kid thing for as long as you want, and never use the hideously painful to farm passive abilities. As much as I didn’t like the idea that I was a teenager telepathically controlling each Warframe, it wasn’t a major thing and I never had to use any of the space kid stuff apart from inside the Second Dream quest. Outside the Second Dream, everything was peachy. All my Warframes have personalities and stuff, and most importantly, I can mute my space kid, who occasionally says shit mid-mission. Like calling the Corpus greedy just as I open up all their lockers for credits. The kids are whiny and do the complete opposite of giving Warframe that high mobility ninja vibe.

Then comes the War Within. Not only am I being forced to listen to my whiny space kid, but I’m forced to PLAY as the space kid. Not just once during what turned out to be a retarded dream sequence, but again, once I get my damn warframe back. The space kid’s abilities are weird anyway, you’ve got a very close range Void Blast which stuns things, you’ve got a Void Dash activated by crouching and then jumping, you’ve got Void… thingy, which means crouching makes you invisible, and then there’s the old beam ability from the Second Dream. But why would I want any of those when I could play Loki, who has shields, health and an energy pool large enough to cast more than one ability without needing to be recharged?

This isn't tedious and a complete opposite compared to Warframe's normal gameplay, oh no.
This isn’t tedious and a complete opposite compared to Warframe’s normal gameplay, oh no. And yes, I did use the same caption twice. Sue me.

Seriously, who the hell thought it would be a good idea to make the squishiest character ever fight against otherwise invincible enemies who can one-hit-kill you with ease? How is that fun? It’s not. But the annoying thing is, the space kid is forced on you. That’s you now, not the warframes you so eagerly control.

Outside of the War Within, they don’t even serve any real in-game purpose! The only thing they are good for is the annoying Void Blast/Void Dash/Void Beam combo you need to do to defeat Kuva Guardians. What else are they used for? Glitches. Lots and lots of glitches. Like fucking up the Jordas Precept raid. Or forcing extraction timers on survival. Or getting into out of bounds areas. Or completely fucking up your game and accidentally getting your Warframe killed, forcing you to complete a mission as the stupid space kid. This is a game feature that is more fun when you use it to break the game rather than play it. That’s insane!

At least the space kids apparently care a little about their warframe, but you could probably buy them a new one and they'd quickly get over it.
At least the space kids apparently care a little about their warframe, but you could probably buy them a new one and they’d quickly get over it.

But the whole leave-your-body thing could have been so much more fun. It could have been a unique theme for a whole new warframe, where you control two of yourself at once. Heck, it could have been a huge update to the Focus system, which needs fixes. The space kid thing even goes against the grinding and upgrading theme of Warframe. You can’t upgrade your space kid, you can’t give them more health or a small shield or anything. They’re just THERE, complaining and whining and saying the same repeated nonsense that Ordis and the Lotus say, but worse because they’re immortal children who have nothing amusing or interesting to say.

Damn bloody space kids.


Also known as Doctor Retvik Von Schreibtviel, Medic writes 45% of all the articles on the Daily SPUF. A dedicated Medic main in Team Fortress 2 and an avid speedster in Warframe, Medic has the unique skill of writing 500 words about very little in a very short space of time.

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