Platforming: My Arch-Nemesis

When it comes to gaming, my biggest enemy is platforming. Sure, I’ve complained in the past about being unable to aim. Sure, I’ve mentioned that I suck at finesse movement. I’ve complained about all sorts of things, from lack of general skill to my inability to rocket jump. But nothing, nothing bugs me more than traditional platforming. 3D platforming. Actually, 2D platforming too. I fucking suck at one of the most basic of gameplay elements.

I always do one of two things. I overshoot or I undershoot. Normally it’s overshooting, I’ll jump or slide or roll too far, overshoot my target and end up falling into an abyss or spike pit. For at least the first couple of attempts.

My problem is twofold. Firstly I am crap at judging distances. In video games. In real life I don’t have this problem at all. It’s this dumb disconnect between my brain, my eyes and whatever game I am playing.

"HELP! I NEED TO JUMP TO THE OTHER CRATE BUT WILL PROBABLY OVERTHINK IT AND FALL OFF!"
“HELP! I NEED TO JUMP TO THE OTHER CRATE BUT WILL PROBABLY OVERTHINK IT AND FALL OFF!”

The bigger issue is that I overthink everything. I spend more time thinking about the jump or jumps I need to do, running them through my head over and over again. Over and over and over and fucking over again. Because I’m overthinking it all, I end up being too over the top, too worried about dying, spending too much time adjusting my position and working out what I am doing. Then I fuck it all up and spend even more time overthinking things.

It’s dumb as fuck. This isn’t hard, jumping over gaps and obstacles. I just seem to always screw it all up. And to think I’ve been playing games for years.

2D isn’t as bad as 3D platforming. Unless you need to coplete the jump quickly. If I have to rush it, normally I will mess it up. It all depends on the pace of the game I’m playing. Something like Super Meat Boy, which requires precision and timing and speed, is utterly impossible for me. But on the flip side, if I can go a bit slower and take a moment to line my jump up, then I’ll probably make it. There’s an even higher chance if I can take a short run up and then do it.

Many jumping puzzles will have a cycle to them. A pattern. These are probably the best for me, because I can spend time seeing the pattern, but I don’t really have time to overthink things. You have to go now and do your jumps and get it over with otherwise you will fuck it up or you will have to wait for the whole thing to repeat its pattern and wait to start again.

Of course it depends on the game. Something like Half-Life is doable, at least mostly to me, because I can take some time, and I can kill most enemies beforehand. But Super Meat Boy is completely out of the question. Heck, even classic platformers like Super Mario, I’d probably fuck them up too.

It’s really annoying.

And it’s embarrassing. I’m not like this in real life. Okay, I’m not jumping over things but I can judge distances. I drive a car and can park perfectly fine. What’s worse is that I’m a graphic designer in real life. I’m supposed to be GOOD at judging distances! Yet somehow I will fuck up the majority of my platforming escapades.

It’s so dumb.

Oh well. Doesn’t matter. There are plenty of games I can play that don’t care about the fact like I platform like an idiot.

Still, there’s a huge number of games I’ll never be able to finish. Just because I can’t fucking jump.

Medic

How the hell have I managed to write over 900 articles here?

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