Welcome to Kolasi – Mission Accomplished
This week, instead of normal articles and for an April Fools joke, I’ll be sharing a new Phoviverse story arc, a story set in my fictional universe, with a bunch of nonsensical and definitely not human characters. Join a team of adventurers as they visit a strange jungle world to track down a dangerous beast. Read the original story here.
“So, uh, Retvik, can you actually drive?”
Retvik frowned as he awkwardly sipped from a very tiny champagne glass. After their stupid adventure, the four of them were now sitting in an extra large jacuzzi, eating fancy food and drinking fancy drinks. The locals were very happy that the big scary monsters were no longer killing rare species, and the team had also made a new friend. They were meant to be heading home soon, but their hosts had offered them a few extra days at the Twisted Palms as a thank you for being so efficient in their job.
“Hmph.”
“Can you actually drive?” Tenuk repeated his question, pausing to take a bite out of some sort of sweet cake. “Because you totally drove into that nasty creature and I have no idea if you did that on purpose or not.”
“Does it really matter if it was on purpose or not?” Kayel asked. “Sure, it’s a bit of a waste of the 2.5m metres of armour and muscle that Retvik is, but, well, driving into that monster did the trick.”
Retvik sighed and sank deeper into the jacuzzi. Or, rather, he tried to. He barely fit in it in the first place.
“No, I did not mean to drive into the monster. I have not driven a vehicle in years, but I certainly was not going to walk to where that damn Thraki took you all. I do have a driver’s license though.”
Nyssi suddenly shouted and pointed a finger at Kayel. “Hah! Told you Retvik had a license, because he’s not stupid! Okay, he’s a little stupid but still! You owe me a fiver!”
“You owe me a fiver because you bet it’d take more than a day for Tenuk to bitch about camping, so let’s call it even…” Kayel crossed his arms. He was hoping to have won himself a tenner, but no, he’d been proven wrong. “Also you just called Retvik stupid.”
Retvik simply sighed some more, not seeming too offended. “To be fair, I am not exactly smart…”
“And you should probably get some driving lessons or something too, because you could have totalled our truck…” Tenuk tutted. “And I thought Kayel was bad. Well, not bad, slow. Meanwhile, I have a pilot’s license for small ships with occupancy for less than six people.”
“Yeah, but, Tenuk, you’re 57 years old and still technically a student, because you Spasts age weirdly!” Kayel countered. “You’re also a really whiny bitch at times, despite having the ability to fucking shapeshift.”
Tenuk fell silent, then awkwardly apologized. “You’re right, I really was a whiny bitch. But, like… I know it’s wrong but sometimes I can’t help it. Spasts, especially… upper class Spasts like me, we’re all lazy, rich bastards and we’re not used to any sort of, well, effort. And being stuck in a jungle full of monsters that could easily eat me, it all triggered me a lot. You’re all fine, Retvik’s a gladiator, Nyssi’s a hunter and you’re a former soldier with weird shadow powers, Kayel. I’m just, well, a snack.”
Nyssi snickered, nearly spilling her glass of champagne in the pool. She normally drank beer or mead at a push, but the champagne made a change and it was free, so she was determined to get drunk on it. She pointed past Tenuk, at a couple of Spasts who were sitting at the pool bar, giggling. “Speaking of snacks, I think those Spast over there think you’re a snack!”
Tenuk glanced past Nyssi, then sank deeper into the water, until only his snout and fluffy ears stuck out.
“What?”
Nyssi turned to Retvik and Kayel, who both shrugged, not understanding Tenuk’s reaction themselves. After what felt like a very long minute, Tenuk surfaced for air.
“Dude, they’re just other Spasts…” Kayel whispered. “You’re acting like other Rethans act around Retvik.”
“Mate, I’m not old enough.”
“You’re 57. You’re older than Retvik. And he’s middle-aged!”
“I am not middle-aged!” Retvik snapped, then very quickly calmed down, knowing that he was quite a threatening person whenever he was angry. “I am 52, middle age for a Rethan is at the very least 75! And I cannot help but be incredibly attractive and muscular, while also being an exile for reasons outside of my control that makes everyone automatically dislike me… Still, Tenuk, are you saying that you are not old enough to date?”
Tenuk nodded. “We have some laws for dating for similar ages, but overall the age of consent is 60.”
“But you can drink alcohol?”
“Heh, yeah. Recreational drugs, you can take at 40, can’t vote or serve in the army until you’re 100 but our army is mostly automated and full of engineers, and if we need an actual standing army, we can just hire a Rethan legion or five.”
Tenuk lowered himself down again, just so the other Spasts couldn’t see him. Thankfully, a Temthan waitress wandered by to ask if the four of them wanted to order anything. Retvik and Nyssi both ordered a large glass of beer, Kayel asked for three glasses of diet cola and Tenuk requested the fruitiest alcoholic cocktail they had.
“So, guys, what do you all think about our new jobs as monster hunters?” Nyssi changed the subject.
“This is going to be our new job now?” Tenuk blinked.
“Well, we still have the problem of most gladiators pussies and not wanting to fight us!”
Retvik grunted. “I did not get to hunt or even punch anything. I just ran something over. I would like another go at actually hunting something.”
“I enjoyed it, I’d love to go hunting again!” Kayel smiled, probably a little too much. He wasn’t normally a smily person, especially for a Skyavok. “Sure, gladiator work lets me use my shadow powers, way more than my old teaching jobs did, but it doesn’t satisfy the bloodlust that my shadow powers cause. Hunting though, that does. And killing that Corruptiid or whatever it was? That felt… right. Like I was meant to kill it.”
“Speaking of which!” Tenuk butted in, turning to Nyssi. “Did those Lanex confirm that those creatures were somehow related to the nasty corrupted deity thing that attacked the gods and we helped kill?”
Nyssi shook her head. “They don’t know for sure yet. But they definitely think that there’s a connection. And that there might be more of them. That’s not a problem for me though, we can kill more if we see more. And considering that killing a weird, corrupted monster is how us four got together? Maybe it’s… destiny that we continue doing so…”
“So, wait, you all want to just hunt weird monsters forever?” Tenuk blinked.
“Not forever, but for a bit. We’re clearly good at it.”
“‘Good’ is pushing it…” Retvik grunted. “We fluked into this.”
“We’ve fluked into pretty much everything!” Tenuk wasn’t swayed. “If it wasn’t for the fact that you’re all special…”
“You are special too, Tenuk.”
Again, Tenuk blinked. “You think I am special, Retvik?”
Retvik nodded. “Of course. We are all special. Personally, I think you are a bit more special. After all, you can shapeshift better than most Spasts.”
“And you turned into a Thraki yesterday and breathed fire at a monster!” Kayel added. “I’m happy to keep on monster hunting. Sure, we kinda fluked it, but we’re literally flukes. We’re Xeno Dessaron One, the first mixed species team and we’ve kinda fluked through every match we’ve had, and we have our stupid healing powers because of a fluke where we died at the wrong time. We’re gonna continue being flukes, might as well be flukes who go around killing scary monsters, right?”
Tenuk sighed some more. “I… I guess you’re right.”
The drinks all arrived, as well as a set of four extra drinks that no one ordered. The Temthan waitress smiled, eyeing both Nyssi and Kayela little too keenly. The four new drinks were tall, glittery drinks, some sort of vodka and lemon drink with a gold leaf and sugar glitter rim.
“A thanks from the boss!” the waitress smiled some more. “Either of you two…”
“We’re good, and busy, thanks!”
Nyssi waved the waitress away, not at all bothered about being hit on. Kayel was mildly concerned, but only because he was pretty sure that Temthan was only interested because she’d not met a Skyavok before. Nyssi passed the drinks round, then raised her glass into the air.
“A toast!”
Everyone else raised their glasses.
“To us?” Tenuk asked.
“Yes, to us and our flukes!” Nyssi beamed. The four friends all clinked their glasses together then sipped their drinks. Tenuk pulled a face, not enjoying the sour taste, then licked the sugary edge to get rid of the taste. Retvik on the other hand intended to just take a sip but ended up downing the glass.
With a tut, Retvik put his glass down. “Speaking of toast, I am hungry.”
“You’re always hungry.”
“I am. Shall we finish up here and get something to eat?”
Tenuk shrugged as he stood up, smiling properly for once. “Yeah, sure.”
Kayel, Nyssi and Retvik also stood up. The water level in the jacuzzi dropped significantly as Retvik did so.
“So, mission accomplished?” Kayel asked.
“Mission accomplished!” Nyssi grinned as the team headed off, together and happy.