Avengers Endgame was awesome! Thanos got the Infinity Stones and half the universe died- wait, wrong movie. That was Infinity War. Still, Avengers Endgame was a bloody awesome film with good pacing, awesome music as always and a mind-boggling plot. Really, I should review it, since that’s what everyone else is doing.

First off though, there will be spoilers. They’ll be at the end of the article with a massive spoiler warning in advance. You have been warned. Although I will warn you now, there’s no end-credits scene. Not that this movie really needs it. The credits themselves though are REALLY fucking long so save yourselves a good ten minutes and head off once the fancy visual graphic credits end.

Anyway, Avengers Endgame is exactly what it says on the tin. An endgame to the Avengers series. It’s not the end of the Avengers, but it wraps up the story and concludes the whole Infinity Stones thing, ending right where we left off in Infinity War and charging its way on from there. At first, things seem a little slow. But the pace rises and falls in quite an extreme fashion, going from solemn moments to blazing action and back again quite quickly. You can tell that the characters have changed, not always for the better, and everyone does a good job. It IS a long movie though (3 hours, oof), so you don’t want to bring your kids in to see it. Avengers Endgame might be too long, sad and loud for them anyway.

The action scenes are awesome as well. In fact, some parts were really, really fucking awesome, and the whole cinema cheered when they happened. There were several moments like that, where the audience I was with would cheer or burst into applause. The larger action scenes though were incredibly chaotic and it was kinda easy to forget what was going on, but the individual one-on-one battles were all glorious.

But the great thing is that pretty much everything is tied up nicely. With a bow on top. I think my only real (non-plot) complaint is that the aftermath of the climatic battle probably drags on a little too long. And maybe that it would have been nice to see more of the universe Post-Thanos. Because we saw Earth, but Earth was incredibly sparse and rundown, as if most people had just given up. But what was the rest of the universe like?

I would totally recommend going to see Avengers Endgame. But only if you can stand being seated for 3 hours in a dark room with a lot of excited people. Otherwise I’d wait for the DVD version so you can watch it in the safety of your own home.

Anyway, I’m going to talk about the plot now, and that involves spoilers. So here is a massive spoiler warning.

If you don’t want to be spoiled, don’t scroll past this image!

First things first, no, they don’t do the thing with Ant-Man and Thanos. There’s no need. The start of the film consists of Thanos no longer having the stones and then being decapitated by Thor. In fact, Ant-Man and Thanos hardly ever meet.

So the plot is all over the fucking place and involves time travel. The time travel thing is kinda the most off-putting thing of the movie because it really, really fucks with space time, while also creating a ton of loopholes and other things that would completely and utterly ruin causality itself. The idea is, that after all the gems are destroyed, the Avengers use quantum physics to go back in time and steal all the stones and make their own gauntlet. Which is kinda what I assumed would happen. But of course nothing goes according to plan and there’s tons of time-travel fuckery that really needs to be discussed.

Okay, sure, the film does try and cover its tracks a bit, but it half-asses a lot of it. I mean, the entirety of causality and all that are somewhat ruined by the fact that people die in the past or don’t die in the past or even see their past selves. Captain America fights himself in the past, but that’s sort of played off by the future Captain America pretending he’s Loki, but there’s a HUGE NUMBER OF THINGS LIKE THAT! Tony Stark meeting, talking to and giving advice to his own dad, Peter Quill being knocked out before he ever meets up with the rest of the Guardians, the Tesseract being stolen in the 70’s instead of the 2000’s and the massive issue of the fact that Rocket just sucks the Aether out from whatsherface, meaning that Thor 2 couldn’t happen. And then there’s the whole thing of NATASHA KILLING HERSELF FOR THE SOUL GEM. IN THE PAST.

How the fuck does that even work?

The issue is, putting the stones back in order to let time happen as it should have doesn’t fix the problem. At all. Because space and time have already been messed up. You’ve already altered the past and there’s no way you can put it back. I mean, Loki literally escapes capture and disappears when the first attempt to grab the Tesseract goes wrong! And then all of reality might as well give up and die when Thanos’s ship literally comes through the time travel device built inside the old Avengers base, sent through by evil (i.e. yet to be made good because this is the character from 2014 when she was evil) Nebula. Who later gets shot and killed by future/good Nebula. Who then convinces past Gamora that she becomes good as well.

And then you have the ending. Okay, one of the Avengers dying was basically guaranteed to happen. Natasha and Stark both died for a noble cause. But we also lose Captain America, because he decides, when he’s going and putting the Infinity Stones back where they belong and goes and lives out his life as if he hadn’t been frozen.

Like, uh, what?

I can’t even begin to think of the issues that would cause…

Ugh. It’s such a mess. An enjoyable mess but a fucking horrific mess nonetheless.

Honestly that’s probably the most off-putting thing about it all. The fact that the time travel shenanigans are so contradictory. If you care about causality and continuity, then Avengers Endgame IS NOT the film for you.

It hurts my head just thinking about it.