TF2 weapons vs Fallout weapons Part 2: The destructive powers of jars of urine verses dismembered mutated body parts

Howdy partner! Part one is that way! Otherwise, continue on the road to Madness.

The Sticky Launcher is a Tricky One. TheStickyLauncherisaTricky One. StickyisaTricky. StickyTricky.
The Sticky Launcher is a Tricky One. Editor’s note: you sneaky bastard.


 #5. Sasha vs K9000 cyberdog gun

What does a person look for in a weapon? Firepower? Good looks? Being fear inducing? Being financially viable? How about companionship? Yes, the wiseman knows that during the periods of time he isn’t killing foes, it can get lonely. Medic isn’t nearby, your companion is stuck in that doorway again, so who will listen to your terrible poetry? Well at least you have your gun… Now just take Occam’s razor to this situation and POW! A new friend who will never leave your side!

(Waifu lovers everywhere went through the same realisation)

People get kinda angry if you disrespect their pillowcases.
People get kinda angry if you disrespect their pillowcases.

The similarities between the Heavy’s minigun Sasha and pillowcases end there. At point blank doing 540 DPS and 300 DPS at medium range, this weapon is a beast for killing but at great cost. Taking 0.87 s to wind up, 1 second of time to do full damage and accuracy and reducing movement on the user, placement is everything when engaging targets. With 200 “ammo”, it fires 4 bullets per ammo, at a max of 20s with no need to reload.


K9000 cyberdog gun is a completely different beast. Literally. A dog’s brain is housed in this weapon found and developed at Old World Blues’ Big Mountain Research and Development Center, also called Big Empty to Lobotomites. Firing .357 magnum rounds, with 2 upgrades for increased rate of fire by 40% and increased weapon damage by 2, it does 274.4 DPS. This weapon can detect enemies at high ranges, even if hidden from radar, by examining the 2 “ears” on the top of the weapon and listening for growls from your new best friend. It comes with a x2.43 magnification scope for excellent medium range fighting.

                           _____   _ LENS
        |_________________|_________                  |
        |________________         __              _________
                        [        ]  |      ______/   K9000   | 
                        [_BRAIN__]                          _|
                                                |   MAG   |
                                                |         |


Edge: Sasha. While having a dog best friend might be the more sane of choice for a friend (till I point out the dog brain is probably in constant pain and can’t see, hear or feel) Sasha’s raw damage just makes it the better gun. Sorry boy.



#6. Pomson 6000 vs Plasma Rifle

Energy weapons are a staple of the Fallout universe. Energy weapons in TF2… aren’t. Dr Grordbort saw a chance to fix this unfortunate situation by accidentally crashing sending ships to deliver unbalanced but mainly underpowered high quality weapons to the Mercs!

The Pomson 6000 is a morally questionable weapon that shoots a beam of energy that drains Spy cloak and Medic ubercharge. It does 60 damage close range and 36 damage at medium to long, with 72 DPS point blank. Ammo is unlimited, so spamming shots is a solid strategy. A clip size of 4 and a quick reload of 2.61 seconds means while it may not hit hard, it hit often. It does 80% less damage to buildings.

Hitboxes the size of trucks also help.
Hitboxes the size of trucks also help.

The Urban Plasma Rifle is first seen in Fallout 3. Unlike rep-conned Plasma Casters of old, the Urban model is more like a rifle than a minigun. Shooting hot bolts of plasma, it can melt bone. Doing 45 damage per bolt at 90 DPS, it has 12 shots before reload, which takes 3 seconds. Bolts move quick but you will need to lead targets at longer ranges.


Edge: Plasma Rifle is the superior. While the Pomson has some nice tricks, raw damage and not being crippled by buildings beats it.


#7. Crusader’s Crossbow vs Dart Gun

One is a medieval weapon, the others a gun made from random junkyard parts, but in concept they share a similar nature.

Yeah I did.
This section is dedicated to Medic. (Because I didn’t know what to write here.)

The Crusader’s Crossbow is an interesting weapon. If you hit a teammate you provide healing, if you hit a enemy you obviously provide damage and likely death (Thankfully the Medic doesn’t mess these up.) The crossbow has an inverted damage function, all damage dealt at range does more damage than that at close. Doing 25 damage/50 healing close, 50 damage/72 healing medium and 75 damage/100 healing at long range. Being a crossbow you have 1 bolt, and have a reload of 1.76 seconds, along with a passive reload.


Support weapons aren’t common in the Fallout universe, but there are a few gems hidden among the Wastes. Found in Fallout 3 base game, the Dart gun is formed with a Paint gun, Toy car, Surgical tubing and Radscorpion poison gland. Dealing 6 damage on impact, it does 8 damage per second for 8 seconds via poison. 1 dart before a 2.3 seconds  reload is needed, the gun is certainly not a gun made for primary damage. It makes up for it with the addition poison effect, on impact the leg of the target is crippled. Fire twice, and the target moves at a crawl. This is a powerful against enemies you don’t want near you.

Someone is going to be doing pretty well once the alien zombie vampire ponies invade.
Someone is going to be doing pretty well once the alien zombie vampire ponies invade.

Edge: Crossbow. As great as disabling enemies can be, the utility of the crossbow is too powerful to pass up.


#8. Jarate vs Mutated toe

One is… a jar of- eh… The other is… sweet Jesus. Bloody hell. How am I going to do this?

Let's be honest, you only clicked here for the title.
Let’s be honest, you only clicked here for the title.

Jarate is the jarred form of karate; Pure unrefined urine. Thrown by hand, people covered will take mini-crits and be visually covered in piss. Enemies will take 35% extra damage, which ignores fall off and Spies are unable to cloak. Takes 20 seconds to recharge but don’t ask how.

Real snipin.
Real snipin.

The Mutated Toe was an additional 6th toe amputated from the Chosen One, the protagonist of Fallout 2. Gained after swimming a little too much in toxic waste and then sliced off with loving care, this one time weapon is a little underwhelming.

Auto-Docs are well know for their intimacy in surgery.
Auto-Docs are well know for their intimacy in surgery.

The Toe isn’t really a weapon, but it can pickpocket onto other people for a effect of minus 3 max health. Yes, that’s it. You can also eat it, for minus 3 max health for a week, followed by plus 3 max health there after. But there might be one use for this unique meal that is noteworthy…. [Minor Fallout 2 spoilers ahead. Don’t worry, #9 has an all clear for spoilers.]

Frank Horrigan is one mean mother-hubber. Let’s leave it at that. With high defence and resistance thanks to power armour and mutations, he is the final boss in Fallout 2.

Best soldier in the [information purged].
Best soldier in the [information purged].
 This guy is trouble even for the hardest Chosen One, but NPC through-out the game give a hint that the toe is a 1 hit kill on him. Wow, that is powerful! Let me just try this ou-

The NPCs were joking.
The NPCs were joking.

Edge: Jarate.


#9. Cloak and Dagger vs Stealth Boy mark II prototype

Not being permanently invisible is one of mankind’s greatest sins. Thankfully for us in the space age times of 1968 and 2281, we can avoid this fatal immoral flaw.

The Cloak and Dagger is a weapon that promotes cloak and dagger, a surprise to nearly no one. It is a watch restricted by motion, moving quickly will make the user run out of cloak fast. With a short 6.2 second period of complete invisibility at a run, the user can also crouch walk to reduce drain, giving 60 seconds. Further more, standing still means the watch can recharge, meaning as long as you have no where to go fast, you can be invisible forever.

The Stealth Boy Mark II prototype is a completely different way to get the same result; Invisiblity and madness. Wait, you didn’t know about the madness thing? Well, while the CnD drives other people mad in arena when they “just can’t find that last f**king Spy git”, stealth boy’s aren’t so subtle. Causing schizophrenia after usage over a long period of time, thankfully the effect is only noticeable in Nightkin ingame, who practically live on them. While it is unsure what mental effects occurred on the Courier after long periods of time, since it is never shown ingame, better safe than sorry.

Chinese stealth armor will only drive you mad by how much it breaks the game.
Chinese stealth armor will only drive you mad by how much it breaks the game with permanent invisibility.

User is granted double the length of a normal Stealthboy with the Mark II… if the courier could get it. Yeah, the MII is only used during a single quest by another character. No way to get it, even by console. Still, it would grant the user 4 minutes of invisibility, or 2 ingame hours, so it is noteworthy for a consumable.

Edge: CnD. I can’t stress the benefits that not being insane can bring. You don’t get arrested, the voices in your head are too distracted by shiny things to do any harm and you don’t have to keep hiding those bodies every weekend. Win-win.


The weapons of both Fallout and TF2 are both varied and in large number, with gems being hidden among the clutter. Whatever the case, here were some of the more interesting ones I have seen, but there are many more out there. For each section, I could have chosen another weapon. Laser pointers that aims lazers from space daily, a gun that shoots rubbish, an armour that gives infinite invisibility, armours that doesn’t stop talking, sonic emitters, meat cleavers, mitts and a gun that shoots metal. Hot death in a variety of flavours. Yum. What more could someone ask for?

I lied
I lied.

This was an article by General Confusion, all images were by me, gained from a wiki or from Know Your Meme.

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