A Particularly Pudding-Filled Story

This may or may not be part of a series. So you may want to read this first, then this. Then this one.

Things had been quiet around BLU’s headquarters for a while, but it wasn’t until the machine disappeared that it got really quiet. Spy though enjoyed the quiet and detested the machine. It had a name, but Spy refused to use it. Yes, it had been insanely helpful, keeping robots and REDs at bay for months at a time just by thinking about it, and yes, before it mysteriously disappeared, it did help Engineer and Medic build a giant cannon with which they could blow away the mightiest of robots, but still, he hated that machine. And he hated the fact that Medic stopped making fresh bread to cater for the machine. The damn thing had nearly killed Spy when it first popped up, considering him a “threat that had to be cleansed”. Logic and vast amounts of sugar kept the machine at bay, but that didn’t stop a second machine from badly electrocuting him not long after. That one was also tamed by sugar but disappeared not long afterwards.

For some insane reason, the other mercenaries didn’t have any problems with the machine. They all loved it. Someone joked about it being the tenth class. They couldn’t care less that it either an alien menace from another universe or something that Gray Mann made to trick the mercenaries somehow, even if that meant the destruction of thousands of his other robots. Or something like that. He was constantly tripping over the damn thing as well. It was the same height as a child, and almost the same width. The last straw was when the machine accused the Spy of having a cold heart. Well, accuse was the wrong word, more like “constantly questioned” him. Once the damn thing worked out what emotions were, it started doing everything it could to learn more about them. Spy wasn’t cold hearted though, was he?

“Yeah, you’re cold as ice.”

“Go away, Scout.” He was apparently thinking out loud.

“At least the machine had an excuse.”

Spy sneered. “Last warning, Scout. Go away.”

Scout jumped off the pile of crates he was sitting on and wandered off to pester Sniper or Heavy or someone else. “Yeah yeah, whatever.”

As the brat scampered off, Spy continued walking, only to abruptly stop. What was Scout doing down here, in the cellars where Spy normally took his reflective walks? Probably just got lost. Or he just wanted to annoy Spy. Not that Spy cared. He set off again, lost in his own thoughts.

Scout spun around as Spy wandered off. He waited until he was out of earshot then laughed. With a puff of smoke, his disguise dropped, revealing himself to be none other than a RED Spy. He’d been planning this briefcase-stealing trip for months, he just needed confirmation that the… thing… was really gone. They’d been incredibly secretive about it.

He headed up the stairs, going where his BLU counterpart had just come from. He’d watched the enemy walk this path many times over and this time he wasn’t going to mess up. Along the corridor, up the stairs, past the kitchen then take the next right. THAT was where the BLU intel was being kept.

“Perfect…”

As it was late, there was no one around. So when the RED Spy got to the kitchen, he didn’t expect the light to be on. Rather than risk being discovered or accidentally disguising as whoever was in the kitchen, RED Spy stepped back and turned on his cloaking device. He tiptoed past the doorway, not bothering to look in.

Suddenly, a blast of something invisible threw RED SPY against the opposite wall, rendering him unconscious.

“Oops.”

The large bang had been heard across the entirety of the base. From every corner of the concrete building, mercenaries scrambled to their feet and headed to where the bang happened. Spy was the first to arrive. But when he saw the scene in front of him, he wished he’d been the last. The smell coming from the kitchen was sickening.

“Hello, Spy!” Nuhvok greeted the mercenary with a plate of oatmeal cookies. “How are you?”

There were six of them. Not one. Six. In different colours. Spy wondered for a moment whether he had fallen asleep or something.

“Is that one a good one?” the blue version of Nuhvok asked. “It’s the same colour as me.”

Nuhvok nodded. “I told you, siblings, the BLU team are the best te-Um, Spy, are you well?”

Spy didn’t answer. He fell to the ground in a crumpled heap next to the RED Spy. But just in time to save the day, Medic, Heavy and Engineer arrived. You could tell they had arrived there in a hurry, Heavy was missing a shoe and Engineer was carrying his guitar instead of a wrench.

“Nuhvok! You have returned!” Medic beamed. “And you brought your friends!”

“And ya used all the flour…” Engineer added. “Where’d ya go? We all thought ya’d gotten captured or somethin’!”

Nuhvok shook his head. “No. I just fancied spending time with my brothers. Right?”

The other Bohrok nodded.

“We killed zombies!” the green one squeaked. “But Nuhvok told us about living here and we thought it was cool so we decided to come here and stay forever!”

“With your permission, of course…” Nuhvok interrupted. “We are considered fools and enemies back home. You human beings care if we disappear. Not even the Bahrag queens cared when we disappeared. And they created us!”

The other mercenaries had finally appeared. Sniper scooped Spy up off the floor, while Demoman rubbed his eye to check that he wasn’t seeing sextuple. Pyro rather helpfully carried the RED Spy away and dragged him off goodness knows where. Medic and Engineer stared at one another, then at the Bohrok, then at each other again.

“We will assist you as needed!” the red Bohrok, which Medic helpfully remembered was called Tahnok, added. “And I promise I will not electrocute any of you.”

Engineer shrugged. “Sure, why not?”

“Yay!”