Character Annihilation 5 – Dazed

You know how hard it is to write these intros? Not very. Oh well. Today, in Character Annihilation, a bunch of stories about people that no one outside the TF2 section of the Steam Powered User Forums cares about, we talk about a very confused person.

Confusion was confused.

This was not a comfortable feeling for Confusion. He was normally the one doing the confusing. That was his job, after all. That and being an overly handsome, sleek, powerful Soldier/Pyro/Spy thing, destroying everything in his path. But the over-sized billboard in front of him was bothering him. They’d put it slap bang in the middle of the Badlands. A huge, ostentatious sign, with magenta and lime green letters, complete with a bunch of TF2 logos.

“NEW 4V4 TOURNAMENT – CASH PRIZES – BRING YOUR BUDDIES!”

Didn’t Confusion just finish a 4v4 tournament? UGC EU Steel? They’d done alright. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to get someone dedicated enough to play Demoman. Everyone seemed to hate playing that class, and the only even remotely good Demoman within the continent of Europe that he knew was insistent on never using a microphone. The bastard.

Still, cash prizes. Confusion could do with the cash. He could finally buy himself some better internetz and perhaps fix his spiking 600 ping connection. His last foray into MGE had been embarrassing. Then again, it was his fault, he’d decided he wanted to try Sniper or Scout in a desperate attempt to force his opponent to rocket jump to get him. They never did. But yes, Confusion wanted the cash. And the glory. He was awesome, surely he could win?

It occurred to him that a contest with prizes would be hard to win. Cash always attracts those so-called ‘pro’ players, who claimed they were far superior to Confusion. None of them could ever match his charm and wit though, not to mention his good looks. This entire paragraph oozed with Confusion’s ego, cheering him up a bit. Still, while he had all those amazing traits, he still needed a team good enough to help him. You can’t enter a team tournament on your own.

Someone ran past him, screaming and engulfed in flames. He didn’t do that, did he? No, he was currently playing Soldier. The person ran by, darted towards a health pack they’d spotted, then rolled their eyes and headed back, no longer screaming and on fire.

“Hi, Medic. Why were you on fire?”

Medic tutted. “Probably because we’re in the middle of a scrim and they’re running a Pyro. You finally going to wake up and join us?”

Confusion turned around. The other team were nowhere to be found. Sham was standing on top of the trains, brandishing his rifle. Keith had erected a sentry gun within the building nearby. Occasionally, someone would peek around a corner, and either their head would explode or their body would explode. The control point was empty, save for the corpse of a Pyro with a LOT of needles sticking out of it.

“Eh, doesn’t really seem like you need my help, Medic.”

Medic rolled her eyes and wandered off, looking for the quickest way to build a Kritzkrieg charge that didn’t involve wonky melee hit detection. Confusion though didn’t notice. His eyes had drifted off elsewhere. He was too busy looking at his reflection in the glass window.

“Damn, I’m one sexy, charming man…”