I’m sure you’ve been in my boots before. You’re playing with a team of complete morons. They’re not listening. You’ve tried everything. They just shoot walls and ignore both you and the objective. You’re sick and tired and you want to kill someone in the most humiliating and painful way possible. You want to go Battle Medicing.
Yes, I use the term Battle Medic as a verb sometimes. It amuses me.
Big problem though, Battle Medics are pretty much useless. We’re looking at a class completely not designed for fighting, picking him up by the scruff of his fancy lab coat then making him fight against people who ARE designed to fight. It’s a very painful scenario for all involved. But when you hate everyone, you really want to make this work. It won’t, but still.
So, primary weapons first! And by primary weapons, I mean actual primary weapons. Not Medi Guns. You probably won’t be using them. The obvious choice here is to use the Blutsauger. While you suffer from a lack of regenerating health, you won’t be healing anyone so you can just spam syringes to heal. Of course, the reason most non-Battle Medics don’t use it is because they definitely aren’t spamming syringes at people most of the time, heck, they barely use their primary. This causes the utility weapons, the Crossbow and the Overdose, to take over since you’re not going to kill anyone. Escape is better than death and taking someone out with you. We’re talking about Battle Medics though, so the Blutsauger is actually alright.
The Crossbow used to be pretty good, but damage is a bit all over the place; it currently deals 75 damage maximum at long distance (random damage spread meant it could hit 82.5 damage, but damage spread is not really a thing any more). You need to be standing in Sniper battlements to achieve that sort of damage though, so most of your attacks will be closer to 30 and 40 damage, with the odd 50 thrown in for good measure. I’d say it’s not a bad choice for the Battle Medic, but if you’re really insistent on not healing your team, then maybe you might not want to use the Crossbow. There’s also the downside of having to aim a lot more with it – when you’re angry and pissed off, missing those clutch candy cane projectiles can really sting.
The Overdose is an unusual choice. There IS a 10% damage penalty, which you may notice when you’re actually dealing damage, but in most cases, it’s only 1-3 damage you’re losing out on per syringe. It does build up, but when you have 1. 40 syringes in a clip and 2. a speed boost from any accidental healing or Ubersawing you’ve done, I don’t think it really matters. Then again, some say that they really can feel the damage penalty. I think it’s a placebo though.
The default Syringe Gun is good too. It doesn’t bring anything new to the table, but it’s, well, there.
We move on to melee weapons. The obvious choice here is the Ubersaw, it always is. The Vita-Saw in this regard is pointless (for once in its life), since you won’t be building much Uber, and because it rounds off at 19%, you don’t get a nice boost if you use it with the Overdose. Add in the health penalty and it’s simply not Battle-Medic worthy. There ARE arguments to be made for the other melees too.
The Solemn Vow is actually the first item I wrote about for the Daily SPUF. Two years later and it’s finally been changed, with a swing speed penalty even smaller than that of the Ubersaw. What I said in that article still stands today, being able to see enemy health means you can pick your fights better. Then again, you’re angry, you don’t care about anything.
The Amputator actually has a tempting synergy here. You can use its heightened regenerating health to counteract the downside of the Blutsauger. It may be a bit niche-y, but it could work. Even the Bonesaw could work here, since you probably won’t be using a Medi Gun. 65 damage per hit is nothing to sniff at.
Now let’s look at your choice of Medi Gun. I know you’re about to go Battle Medicing, but it’s worth pausing to consider what Medi Gun to use. Vaccinator is out, since it requires a patient to work. Stock could work, what with Uberchaining and stuff. Quick-Fix works too as it heals you and gives you overheal, but it’s all much of a muchness. Theoretically, the Kritzkrieg would be the WORST choice… If it wasn’t for the Oktoberfest taunt. That taunt can save lives, no matter how much Uber you have.
My conclusion? For survivability and fun, I’d pick the Overdose, Stock and the Solemn Vow. For hard core Battle Medicing? Blutsauger, Kritzkrieg, Amputator.