Alright. I’m done. I’m tired of the stupid TF2 comic continuing to not exist. It was supposed to be a bi-monthly comic, starting in August of 2013. TWO THOUSAND AND THIRTEEN. It is now July TWO THOUSAND AND SIXTEEN. IT HAS BEEN NEARLY THREE YEARS. SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK? No, seriously, this is beyond ridiculous. It’s beyond Valve Time. It’s reaching Half-Life 3 levels of silliness. There’s more proof of the existence of Left 4 Dead 3 than there is for TF Comics #6. It’s depressing.
So here I am, making up my own ending. Someone should buy me cookies depending on how much of this I get right.
The rest of the story starts where we left off, with everyone having the blood being drained of them. No sexy tentacle hentai here. Demoman though, for some reason the robots don’t like him. Each one that tries to drain his blood randomly explodes. The alcohol in his blood is doing that. They receive a bit of help from Sniper, who is still running around naked but has found himself a rifle.
Sniper helps the gang and they destroy most of the robots. The remaining ones flee for no reason.
Miss Pauling suggests that they continue their escape, but Sniper tells them about Medic, how he brought him back to life and might be a double agent. They believe Sniper when it comes to the resurrection but they don’t believe that Medic has changed, they think that he’s switched sides permanently. Sniper can’t convince them, and gives up and follows the rest of the gang as they steal a submarine and leave.
Meanwhile, TFC Heavy is rounding up the rest of his men. They know where to go and they have an airplane to get there. They’re heading to a secret base in the middle of China, according to the coordinates Miss Pauling gave them. TFC Heavy calls in a few favors, with TF2 Medic still helping him, and the TFC Sniper meets them in China, bringing with him the Quake Team Fortress blokes, who are all even more high tech and are more machine than human now. It turns out Miss Pauling’s instructions are wrong, but they know the TF2 team will be heading their way there too.
The TF2 mercs all meet up back in Australia. TF2 Heavy and Scout have found trace amounts of Australium, even though they’ve been ditched by Saxton Hale and his buddy, who rushed off to fight an army of super powerful kangaroos, the last line of defense protecting the last nugget of Australium. Turns out there’s something better than Australium down there.
Heavy and Scout get the rest of the TF2 team to help them open up some sort of cave. Inside, they find the TFC Medic, who hasn’t aged a day thanks to the New-Zealandium he’s sealed up with. He offers to help the TF2 mercs in exchange for him getting to kill TFC Heavy, who left him there.
With everything fixed up and their weapons super-powered by the strange new mineral, Miss Pauling takes a sample and tells the mercs to go fight the TFC guys. She secretly sneaks off though to send the sample to the Administrator, via carrier pigeon.
The final battle takes place in a collection of tunnels and mineshafts. The TFC and QTF mercenaries have spent hours looking and have finally found a vault at the very exact location. They are trying to drill it out when the TF2 mercs arrive with TFC Medic. Everything erupts into various 1v1 and 2v2 battles, but TFC Heavy, sick of TF2 Medic’s fighting style, once again smashes his Medi Gun and makes him fight TFC Medic solo. TFC Medic taunts TFC Heavy and considers TF2 Medic a non-threat. Which he is, really.
TFC Heavy’s mercs are falling fast, so he brings in Gray’s robot army, which accidentally kills QTF Medic. This causes the QTF guys, those who are left, to switch sides. TFC Heavy laughs and calls him useless, but then ironically gets shot by TF2 Sniper and requests that TF2 Medic heals him, immediately getting angry when TF2 Medic doesn’t automagically conc jump up to him. Instead, TF2 Medic steals one of TFC Medic’s conc grenades, jumps up and shotguns TFC Heavy in the face. Repeatedly.
With TFC Heavy dead, the robots no longer have anyone to take orders from and everyone works together to eradicate the rest of the robots.
Except it isn’t over. The mercs get a message from Engineer, who had used the New-Zealandium on the Administrator, who wasn’t the Administrator at all, but actually Merasmus the Magician, who had broken free from jail and, in an attempt to kill Soldier forever, had found Miss Pauling’s carrier pigeon and taken the Administrator’s place.
Cue everyone heading back home, after having opened the safe full of Australium, and fighting Merasmus as he creates armies of zombies from the Mann and Hale families and pretty much every other background character because lol why not. But Merasmus is swiftly defeated (while conveniently killing off the remaining QTF mercs). As he starts dissolving, he curses everyone to repeat everything that happened up until then forever. Soldier though breaks his staff (again) and the curse just fizzles out and only affects Merasmus.
TF2 Medic and TFC Medic apologise to one another and go their separate ways. TF2 Medic rejoins the TF2 mercs.
Hale just goes and punches that Darwin bloke to death because none of us really cared about that story anyway.
The story ends with Miss Pauling and the Administrator being reunited, and the Administrator recreating the RED and BLU companies, restarting the war.
Everyone is happy. The end.
Of course, I’m totally wrong and none of it will happen like this. Oh well. At least you don’t need to wait any longer.