Kuva Liches Are So Dead

I made a mistake the other day. A big mistake. After doing some missions to help someone make some progress with their own Kuva Lich, I decided to roll the dice and get a new Kuva Lich, hoping for one of the Kuva weapons I don’t have.

Well, I gambled poorly, getting a low percentage Lich with no Ephemera and a weapon I already had, and even worse it’s an electric Lich, because I thought Excalibur (you know, the Warframe with a flaming sword) would create a heat-based Lich rather than an electric one. Oh, and to make matters far, far worse, it’s a female Lich with a stupid name that could be vaguely amusing if you tilted your head to one side and squinted. Now, not only do I have a Lich, but I have a female Lich that insults my intelligence every time I log in to the game and calls my very existence a crime.

I’m gonna be honest, it’s not a great feeling. I now have to go through at least a couple of hours of doing boring Grineer missions, randomly stabbing the randomly spawning Thralls, getting by back broken because “lol you don’t know the magic word” and eventually getting literally nothing for all that hard work. It’s rubbed in by the fricking female Lich because she’s right, I am stupid for having gone and spawned her. I should have 1. checked which frames give what element type (I SWEAR Excalibur was heat-based?) and 2. I should have just bought a Lich off of someone else, with the weapons I wanted.

Heck, I don’t even know why I went and did it, since it’s only the weapons I need. I don’t care about the ephemeras aside from the ones I already have, which I very luckily managed to obtain, and even if I did, farming Liches is a long, tiring process.

Thankfully, due to helping other people, I have the first word needed to kill my Lich (even though I have no idea what order they should be in) but it will still be a long drag before I find out the other words, especially since this Lich doesn’t want to come out of hiding. I’m hoping I’ll be lucky like I was with my previous Lich, which died at level 2 because I somehow managed to guess the combination after unlocking only 2 words. But I know it’ll be a drag. Most likely I will have to go through multiple attempts even with all words known, the 5th out of 6 possible attempts being correct.

On top of that, I am not getting match-made with anyone. At all. All the Lich missions I’ve done so far have mostly been solo missions or with the aforementioned friend that I was doing missions with anyway. Even Exterminate missions are weirdly quiet, and I’ve taken to just trying to do the fastest missions possible since any time spent doing Liches is time spent not doing anything else – like Railjack, opening relics, leveling up weapons, leveling up Syndicates and so on. People just don’t want to do these missions, and the people I do see are lower level players trying to deal with things they probably stumbled into by accident.

No wonder why these missions are so empty though. Even if you can put up with not doing other missions, it’s not rewarding. For example, I am literally getting nothing for this. I don’t want another, lower damage, electric version of a weapon I already have, so I have no reason to kill the Lich, so I will most likely convert them, but then they basically just cease to exist anyway! I’ve only ever had one of my Liches appear in missions and the few times she appeared, she shot a few enemies, blew herself up for 2 minutes and then left, saying “job’s done”. So I have the choice of spending 2-3 hours on nothing, or spending 2-3 hours on 2 minutes of action once in a blue moon.

So what do I do? Simple. I just ignore my Lich. Sure, it means losing a handful of credits and items and mods any time I do a mission on Saturn, but it’s not like my Lich will actually spread. She’ll just sit there on Saturn, mining asteroids, while I do the same in my Railjack.

That Lich is basically dead, even if she’s still alive.


Medic, also known as Phovos (or occasionally Dr Retvik Von Scribblesalot), writes 50% of all the articles on the Daily SPUF since she doesn't have anything better to do. A dedicated Medic main in Team Fortress 2 and an avid speedster in Warframe, Phovos has the unique skill of writing 500 words about very little in a very short space of time.

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