Editor’s note: The article you are about to read was originally written in 2008 by my mum, an all-round amazing woman. Today is the day she left us, so, instead of writing something myself, I am publishing this article in her memory. Mum was simply the best, kindest person ever, always pleased to see you. She also loved swearing and creating new insults. It’s an honour to be able to share some more of her work with you. I hope you all enjoy this sliver of my mum’s brilliance and insanity. Rated R, of course.

IT IS BIG AND IT IS CLEVER (unexpurgated version)

We have all, in moments of severe stress and agitation, used bad language. Whether it is while doing a spot of usually cack-handed DIY and hammering your hand instead of the nail, or when speaking to someone unpleasant on the telephone, making it imperative to call them a disparaging name after you have put the phone down.

People these days get too hung up on bad language. Just the name – bad language – is a misconception. A well placed swear word is not ‘bad’; in fact it can have real impact. Obviously, one does not want to liberally sprinkle one’s speech with the word ‘fuck’ when receiving a knighthood from the Queen nor would one wish to call her a ‘twat’, but then a good proponent of swearing learns over years of careful study when it is, and when it is not, appropriate.

For example, the person you are addressing may flinch, cry, or try and hurt you in some way, so a certain amount of good judgement when it comes to your audience is also a valuable tool to the swearer. If, for example, the swearee (the person to whom you address your profanity) is your bank manager, then greeting him with the phrase “How the fuck are you, you old bastard” may not go down as well as it did when you said it to your friend in the pub the night before. A more polite, measured approach may be necessary.

Another area to be aware of for the confident swearer is the degrees of swearing. Merely using the word ‘bloody’ can make some people consider you worse than Hitler, whereas others are able drop the word “cocksucker” into a sentence without anyone even flinching. These are obviously the two extremes of the swearing spectrum, but there are many interesting and useful words in between that can be adapted to cover almost any eventuality. The sexually explicit genre is a particular show-stopper, encompassing words such as the fairly innocent ‘tosser’ right up to the Mount Everest of offensiveness “motherfucker”. This particular word has a swear factor of 10 to the power of 4, due to its undoubtedly graphic nature and inherent implication of acts that we would sooner not think about, but has a superlative impact when utilised properly. Obviously there are many other very descriptive words in between which can be deployed to great effect such as ‘helmet’, ‘arsehole’ or ‘dickhead’.

Also, we have the toilet genre which, again, can have a considerable effect on ones target demographic. Tony Blair, in a moment of jest, could conceivably call George W Bush a ‘fart’ but calling him a “shit-eating cock-jockey” might be over stepping the mark slightly, and would probably result in his neck being knelt on by a secret service agent. Here he may be spanning the full range of this genre in one sentence, an impressive feat for the accomplished profanicist.

New areas of swearing are emerging all the time – like the homosexual genre. Telling your mate that he is a “cocksucker motherfucker” is a significantly more entertaining way of calling him a puff, which is always the easiest but less interesting way of questioning your acquaintances sexuality. Used in conjunction with the phrase “shit-stabbing cock-master” this will produce a startling couplet that your friends and family will be proud to see you deliver.

Knowing which word is appropriate to any given scenario is important. An adequate and effective profanity is available for every occasion, which is why we have such an enormous range of words, from mild to truly staggering, at our disposal.

It would be impossible to write a guide for the novice swearer, as experience is infinitely more important in developing a real talent. The art of swearing is, as with the study of martial arts, a delicate mix of knowledge, experience and a certain amount of mental toughness. A guru, along the lines of Bob Geldof or Pete Cook would also be invaluable.

For anyone wanting to follow in the footsteps of all good swearers over the years, there are three golden rules with which to begin. Firstly, pace yourself – gradually add the insults slowly and over time; secondly, make every effort to increase your swearing vocabulary – there are a lot of words out there, you just have to find them; and thirdly, and probably most importantly, never, ever, under any circumstances, should you call your Grandmother a cunt.