Real Teammates of Genius II

Logo by Liquidsilk.
Logo by Liquidsilk.

Red Shed Brewers presents Real Teammates of Genius.

Today, we salute you, Mister Spawn Gate Sniper Guy.

When your teammates need a hero, when they need a man to drag them from the muck and ash, to take that RED defense on head first and attain a righteous victory, who do they turn to? Not the Medic with his false promises of “invulnerability.” Not the Demoman and his slow, inefficient Sticky Launcher. No, they turn to you, Mister Spawn Gate Sniper Guy, oh Sultan of Sharpshooting.

When faced with the insurmountable defense of one entire Sentry Gun, you keep a cool head  and a steady hand, ready to support your team on the front lines from the furthest and most remote location possible. Protected by the impenetrable shield of the rising and lowering spawn gate, you fearlessly goad enemies into advancing, right into your line of sight. No man on your team could even think of such an act of bravery, could they? No man could muster the courage to wait for his Machina to fully charge and deliver 173 points of pure skill-indexing right into some hapless Medic’s thoracic cavity. No man, other than you, Mister Spawn Gate Sniper Guy.

Don't worry, mate! We got this!
Don’t worry, mate! We got this!


You wouldn’t know, Mister Spawn Gate Sniper Guy, you’re all the way in the back, taking out other enemy Snipers with ease. And when your team is shouting for you to move up, or take out an encroaching Heavy, what do you do? Expose yourself and risk certain death at the hands of the RED menace? Not you, you Austere Australian. You retreat behind the warm, culling comfort of those yellow security blankets and live on in safety.

Hightower or Pipeline, Dustbowl or Turbine, Hoodoo or Steel, Freight or Fastlane, no one knows how to utilize impenetrable walls like you do, Cover Coveter. Your knowledge of the Sniper’s role as an battlefield presence is so comprehensive, you even wrote a book on the subject.

And they pinned it to your chest!
And pinned it to your chest!

Spies, you say? Spies mean nothing to the man who has a resupply locker not ten feet from his impregnable headshot dynamo. Ambassador? Not likely, not unless Spies suddenly developed the ability to shoot through shields forged by the Gods themselves! And backstabs? Virtually impossible. Not when you’ve got your Spawn Point backing you up. Should such a Connoisseur of Collateral Kills as yourself fall in battle, it’s not like you have a far walk. Just a few easy steps and you’re back in action.

Whoa nelly!
Whoa nelly!

And when spawn camping threatens, what does our brave hero, our Sharpshooting Savant do? Simple, you say, you stay right where you are, of Baron of Barricades.

So take a bow, and crack open an ice-cold Red Shed Beer, because when your team needs a hero, he’s been right there all along: crouching behind your spawn gate.

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