How I came to hate myself…

I wasn’t born a Medic main. It took months of me being useless to finally pick up that Medi Gun. But once I did, I was hooked. It was like a drug. Every site I registered on, I called myself a variant of Medic. The best one was the Steam User Forums. I became The Medic, that whiny, somewhat likable moron you all know and love today. But I tell you what, I fucking hate myself.

I’m going to be blunt. Being called Medic is probably one of the biggest mistakes I could have made. You have no idea how much Medic and Heavy porn I’ve been sent. No. Not interested. It’s a PROFESSIONAL relationship, not a ROMANTIC one. Damn though, people waste so much of their talent on porn. It’s terrifying. And the jokes. They go on forever.

But I always comply with the jokes. I play along with them. I look like a cold-hearted cow if I don’t. Plus, there’s some fun in there somewhere. The number of times I’ve been repped for saying something witty and in-character is… actually rather low. You get the point though, it makes most people smile, seeing someone play along. Not those whingy little gits though who think I’m rep-whoring. No, that’s aabicus’s job and you should all go and rep him right now for no reason.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I was complaining about being The Medic. Thing is, I can put up with all the forum games and messing around and roleplaying. Okay, maybe not the roleplaying. Stop inviting me to roleplay groups, dammit. Or invite me then fucking do something. Also, female versions of mercenaries are almost always crap unless they’ve got a similar personality to their male versions. I’m not a fan of the female Medic model; the Spy and Engineer ones are far superior. Nothing’s worse though than those horrible FemScout and FemPyro models. Again with the wasted talent on porn.

My biggest issue with myself though is that I’ve basically screwed myself over. Do you know how many hours I have as Medic? Right now, my stats say I have 80 hours as Medic. Next up is Soldier, with 15. That’s 65 hours between my two top classes. A while back, before a previous stat reset, I had 300 hours as Medic and 300 hours combined as every other class. I am addicted!

This addiction to healing has done two things:  firstly, it’s given me really damn good syringe gun aim. I 1v1’d a Soldier the other day and beat him. But secondly, it’s made me crap at everything else. In my 1500 hours of TF2, I can only play Medic at anything above potato skill level. Have you ever seen me play Sniper? Probably not, I currently have 6 hours as him (according to my current stats) and 5 hours and 20 minutes of that is from idling before they killed it. I can’t hit the broad side of a barn. I also have vlepsophobia, a fear of scopes, so I freak out whenever I have to scope in to attempt to headshot anyone. You know who’s to blame for this? No, not my inability to aim, but my damn addiction to playing Medic.

Addicted. I am bloody addicted. Forever and ever. I don’t even look like Medic. I can’t even speak German! (Although I am trying to  brush up on my Turkish and learn a bit of German and a bit of Dovahzul… Don’t judge me!). In real life, I am as close to being Medic as I am Engineer. But my desire to copy my favourite healing guy is almost as deep as my desire to be a dragon.

That, and I’m totally overpowered. They’re right you know, a team without a Medic will always lose to a team with one. Unless it’s a team of DEMOKNIGHTS.



Also known as Doctor Retvik Von Schreibtviel, Medic writes 50% of all the articles on the Daily SPUF. A dedicated Medic main in Team Fortress 2 and an avid speedster in Warframe, Medic has the unique skill of writing 500 words about very little in a very short space of time.

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