Welcome to the fourth installment of Character Annihilation, a lame excuse for the editor of the Daily SPUF to write something different for a change, rather than spouting bollocks about TF2. Today’s story is about Foxzet, the guy who hates the Machina. Can’t really blame him.
It was a wonderful day in 2fort. A hurricane and an incident involving a drunk Demoman and Soldier placing a lot of bets on explosives meant that 2fort was finally a more spacious map, no longer constrained by walls. Of course, there was plenty of rubble everywhere, but the Spontaneous Public Unpollution Foundation had quickly come along and tidied everything, up, readying the place for today’s Capture The Flag shenanigans.
Foxzet was feeling great as he punched in to RED’s Spawn Utility Function and got himself ready for the battle ahead. He picked up his Mini Gun and inspected it closely. Not a single scratch. Perfect. He pulled on his beloved Holiday Punch gloves, tugged on his festive hat and waited patiently for battle. The angry shouting lady seemed to be in a bad mood today, maybe it was because RED had won too much or something. Didn’t matter. Foxzet was in a good mood, the angry shouting lady wasn’t going to spoil it for him.
Feeling cheerful, Foxzet stepped out of the spawn room. Normally he’d wander around RED’s incredibly small and rather-annoyingly-close-to-BLU base area, but today, Foxzet fancied something different. He fancied trying to grab that intel himself for a change. And why not? No one could resist the TICKLE GLOVES! Assuming he could get into range, of course.
A Soldier ran past Foxzet, giving him a friendly wave, before leaving the battlements and preparing to rocket jump. Foxzet rounded the corner, only to be greeted by a blood-curdling scream and a sparkly laser beam. The Soldier was dead. Across the bridge was a Sniper. The bastard was waving. Foxzet backed away slightly, clinging tightly to his mini-gun.
A Scout and a Pyro wandered by. Knowing what was about to happen, Foxzet grabbed the Pyro by the arm. “No! It;s dangerous!” The Pyro though pushed his bemittened hands away and continued on his path, only to be laser’d through the head, the second he stepped into the Sniper’s sight lines. The Scout hadn’t fared much better, having taken a fully charged bodyshot. He was now lying in the water below.
That Sniper had to die. He had to die, laughing then watching as Fozxet filled him with boolets.
But Foxzet was a smart guy. There was no way a slow moving festive monster like him was going to get to the sniper decks without being spotted. If this guy was good enough to get Scouts, he had no chance.
Instead, Fozxet headed down into the basement, where the usual seven Engineers were. Today, they’d been blessed with a couple of extra heavy classes and, amazingly, a Medic. Not the scary Medic from the other day that Overdose-rushed BLU base and came back with the intel twice, without even a scratch. No, the sort of Medic who glues himself to a Heavy.
The Medic in question was waiting outside the resupply room in the basement, waiting for a Heavy to leave the bathroom.
“Doktor, are you okay?”
“Ja. Can I heal you?”
“That’s exactly what I was about to ask. Do you have a Vaccinator?”
The Medic held up his Medi Gun. “It is all I have.”
“You don’t have a stock Medi Gun?”
“Ja, but this one is a higher level!”
Foxzet paused for a moment, rolled his eyes then sighed. “Oh well. Follow me. Make sure you get full Uber.”
Foxzet headed up the stairs, through the courtyard and towards the lower exits that lead out to the bridge. He peered round the corner, only to see a large pile of corpses. He held the Medic back, who was about to blindly head out there.
“Alright, I want you to use all your Ubers. We’ll run across the bridge to the other side, as fast as possible. Got it?”
“Good… Three, two one…”
Foxzet charged forward, the Medic lagging behind him. They stampeded across the bridge, accidentally trampling a Scout in the process. They made it across safely, but the friendly Demoman and Spy who had tried to follow them didn’t fare so well – the Demoman dived into the water to save himself, but the Spy was dead.
Now was the hard bit. Or so Foxzet thought. The path up to the BLU battlements was empty, save for a dumb, now dead Scout and a Demoman who was spinning awkwardly in circles. Foxzet came to a halt at the entrance to BLU’s spawn room. He turned around, to find that his Medic buddy was missing. Peering downstairs, Foxzet spotted him with a friendly Demoman, the one who’d dived into the water. He was learning.
Foxzet put away his minigun and tip-toed past the respawn door, holding his breath. So close…
The Sniper giggled as he peered down his scope. He’d just killed his seventeenth Scout. That strange counter was going to look great, he couldn’t wait to show it off to his trader buddies. But everything seemed dark for some reason. Maybe the sun had gone behind the clouds or something? He unscoped, then looked upwards. Standing over him was a very angry but also incredibly festive Heavy, positioned in the exact way you’d expect someone to stand if they were about to punch you in the face.