Scout – the Village Bicycle

I basically spent ten minutes giggling nervously as I made this picture for the Scout main...
I basically spent ten minutes giggling nervously as I made this picture for the Scout main…

The Scout main and the Medic main got together on Steam after an amusing conversation on the League of Legends boards. It was the Scout main’s birthday and the Medic main had made a very silly picture to celebrate. Then it turned out that they were both women who had spent way too long playing their respective classes and thought that really flirting with their husbandus (like waifus but better) was rather silly. Especially once you start to tumble into, well, weird stuff.

The weird stuff is everywhere though. Even if you’re not actively looking for it, it somehow seeps through and suddenly you’ve just spent fifteen minutes rubbing bleach into your eyes after falling into a tumblr blog full of badly written Scout and Miss Pauling sex scenes (even though she’s gay now). But no matter how much bleach you use, the words and images are still there, and worse, someone’s probably done… things while observing said words and images.

Eventually though, you break free. Or you become immune to the shock. Or something. You then quickly realise that you see a lot of repeats. Spy X Sniper? Seen it before, it’s been a thing since their VS update, and apparently arch nemesis ships are somewhat common. Heavy X Medic is as old as the game itself, and it really doesn’t help that the Medi Gun has a long nozzle to it. Anything can look dirty if you have a dirty enough mind. But then there’s Scout. Scout X Miss Pauling. Scout X Sniper. Scout X Spy. Scout X the girl with fried chicken. Scout X Fem Scout. Scout X Scout. They all recur regularly. Scout X Heavy, Soldier and Medic are all there too. Pyro and Demoman not so much, since Pyro is just there and Demoman is hooked up with Medic’s wife. Scout certainly gets around a lot. He’s the village bicycle.

“What the fuck do you mean, Medic?”

Have you not watched Austin Powers? No, seriously, go and watch it. But if you haven’t, basically, the bitchy female main complains at Austin Powers for seducing the assistant of Number Two (one of the bad guys). He says he did it to get information, and brings up, well, pretty much everything that they need. He calls the assistant the Village Bicycle. “Everyone’s had a go on her!”

Basically it’s a nice way of calling someone a person who sleeps around a lot. And both lore-wise and fan-fiction-wise, bloody hell does Scout get around a lot. As Scout says so himself, he may be terrible with ladies, but he’s GREAT with girls. But for some reason, fan art seems to push that to extremes. He hooks up with everyone. And I can’t work out for the life of me why. Maybe it’s the ego. Or maybe it’s the fact that Scout is actually very frail and flimsy and his ego keeps on getting him into trouble. Or maybe people just assume, what with him being <25, he’s just really horny. I just don’t get it.

What I don’t get even more is why people STILL INSIST ON DOING SCOUT X SPY. With more and more hints that Scout might genuinely be Spy’s kid, work involving these two gets more and more uncomfortable. It’s been hinted at for years. The TF comics have hinted at it a lot, three times during the current series with Spy only helping Scout to not upset his mum, during a conversation between Heavy and Scout and in a dream Scout had that may have been a memory after all. Then there’s the end of the Carnival of Doom comic where Spy’s holding a book about how to dodge DNA tests. Then there’s an even more worrying one in Miss Pauling’s voice lines for Gun Mettle: “Hey Spy. Pauling. I took care of that DNA test for you. You owe me one and I’m cashing it in. Take care of this.”

No, seriously, it’s worse than Heavy X Medic.

Anyway, seems a bit off that Scout always ends up in this mess. I just can’t work it out. Scout isn’t even THAT attractive, outside of the fact that he’s young. Give the poor guy a break. Try out a new ship or something.


Also known as Doctor Retvik Von Schreibtviel, Medic writes 50% of all the articles on the Daily SPUF. A dedicated Medic main in Team Fortress 2 and an avid speedster in Warframe, Medic has the unique skill of writing 500 words about very little in a very short space of time.

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