G’day, mates! Sniper here! I heard that stupid traitorous quack was entering alternate universes and saving them, so I decided to get in on the action! I ain’t letting that wanka take all the glory. So I hopped on to one of Engineer’s teleporters and decided to go to this Skyrim place myself! And unlike Medic, I’m going to actually stay in character. Stupid doctor.
Merasmus has left me with some magic and something he called “Thu’um”. No idea what that is, guess I’ll find out later. Ain’t got nothing but my weapons (Sniper Rifle, SMG, Kukri, Huntsman) and a bunch of arrows and ammo.
So here I am. Look at me I’m so sexy. It’s also night time, since I just spent all evening climbing down a mountain. That’s where I appeared anyway. Some bloody old dragon just looked at me and rolled its eyes. I’m in a place called Riverwood and bloody knackered.
Just as I find some damn inn to get some kip, this wanka comes up to me. Ugly little thing. Does this thing really go around at night asking people to fight vampires? Well apparently there is a fort in it, and some money or something, plus I always had a thing about killing the undead, so I’m up for it, but I need to grab my stuff first. Can’t snipe without a rifle, right mate?
I go into the local fruit shop to get some stuff and would ya bloody believe it, there’s a copy of me in here! Mute bastard too. Thought he was a damn Spy but he didn’t take friendly fire. Tried talking to him, wanka said fuck all. Bloody rude if you ask me.
Excuse the SMG. Blame this damn Skyrim place for that. I stock up on some bits and pieces, including a potion of cure disease (because goodness knows what awful stuff is out there!) and decide to head out. It’s the middle of the night, but a professional like me can take it.
Is that a wyvern? Looks like a wyvern. Probably best for me to tiptoe past that. Leave the monsters to Demo or Heavy or whatever. I did ask for directions and was told to head to a place called Riften first. Which is bloody miles away.
I make it to Riften. It’s been a really dull trip. Nothing interesting. Some guy asked me to kill someone for free, told him to piss off. RED sent an assassin after me, but told him to piss off too. This Riften place is empty apart from a bunch of strange people wondering around. Mostly women. Not interested though. I give a coin to the beggar, since I’m a professional and can spare some money. I’m told to head round PAST Riften to some place on the border. Crikey, no one could have told me that earlier.
It’s bloody daylight now. Some guardsmen tell me to go to Windhelm to join their army. I’m a mercenary, mates! Told them to piss off too. But apparently I’m getting close to this fort I’m supposed to go to.
You’ve got to be kidding me! That’s a bloody cave, not a fort! I’m bloody tempted to go back to that Riverwood place and kill the bastard who sent me here! That means traipsing half way across this damn country though. Guess I’ll just go in and have a look. If it’s a disappointment, I’ll just leave. Probably just crappy directions.
Or maybe not. Turns out this child is her to hunt vampires all on his own. Kid, you’re talking to a professional here. Except I ain’t got a clue where we’re going, as far as I’m aware, we’re just in some stupid valley in the arse-end of this place. I mean why is there a boat over there? There’s no river or anything here, just a waterfall!
Crikey mate! That’s bloody huge! How the hell did they get the materials to build that place? Especially since the only entrance to this place is a hole in a wall. Wow.
Isran, eh? Odd name. Then again I recently found out about my true parentage. Let’s not talk about that. Dunno how this thing got here so quickly. Thought it was just the bad light that made him look ugly, turns out he’s as pretty as a rotten apple even in daylight. Poor wanka. Let’s go to the actual fort and let ourselves in.
I don’t know why you’re here mate.
Who? I’ll be honest, kinda feel for this guy who’s lost his team of mercs. This Isran is worse than Soldier. He suddenly looks at me and starts asking what the fuck I want. He was the one who wanted people to help kill vampires, that’s what I’m here for, you mongrel.
I’ll be honest, I ain’t in the mood to really go out straight away, mate. I’ve already gone and… fine. Seems like a good way to get myself killed. Thankfully Tolan here offers to join me. Right dodgy business going on here, so it’ll be good to get some company.
Let’s hope so, ya bloody piker. Where the heck are we going? You lead the way, I’ll follow, since I’m the damn tourist around here. At least, so I think. Turns out, the bloody piker fucking upped and disappeared! Guess I’m going to this stupid place on my own. Bet they send all the newbies here and this is some sort of ruse.
Seriously? What IS it with this place and its damn locations hidden in BLOODY CAVES! I mean, come on, ya got all this scenery and you all built your crap in caves? And I thought me ma and pa were loonies, living in an underwater city that flooded. Alright, fine. Hopefully Tolan is in here.
Well, I was kinda right. Poor blighter’s deader than a burning Spy. No way I’m dragging his body outta here, so I’ll take the necklace and give it to that Isran guy, since the rest of his team is dead. Least I can do for him. Maybe when I get outta this hellhole, I’ll get a cart or something to take his body back.
As for me? Time to do some vampire killing. Plenty of the bastards in here, but my amazing kills take them out before they know what hit them. They don’t seem that undead to me, since I’m just using boring old arrows.
This place is really dark too. Keep on tripping up. There’s light ahead though.
LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT FUCKER.
Alright, I’ve lived in Australia for a large part of my life, but that’s just stupid! Stupid thing died quickly though and took a vampire thing out with it, so that’s dandy.
Guess I’ll continue onwards, since I can’t turn back.
I hope those gargoyles don’t come to life. But those are some words I recognise. Vampire and Stendarr. There’s a weird scroll on that platform, which I take.
Seems like these vampires are giving this poor Stendarr guy a shakedown. Unfortunately they kill the blighter before I can intervene. Literally milliseconds too late. I’m on a balcony high above them, so in revenge, I kill them all with ease. THAT’S why snipin’s a good job. Until their mate sees me and forces me to whack him in the face with good ol’ big ol’ knife.
Adalvald’s his name apparently, at least according to the scribbles in his journal. Poor blighter. Wonder how they killed him? No blood or teeth marks or anything. Magic? Probably magic. With the vampires dead and this guy avenged, I decide it’s time to work out what all the fuss is about.
Hm. A button. Now, I’m a professional, I don’t go around pressing buttons, but that one, that one’s an odd one. Almost luring me to it. So I press it.
AND THE STUPID FUCKING THING SPIKES MY HAND.
I’m a bloody idiot. That hurt. I ain’t got a nurse here to help me though so I’ll just glug down a potion. Damn thing’s almost as good as Medic’s healing stuff. Almost. But now there’s a glowing thing. And I can push the round things around now. Apparently they’re not just for show.
Oh I get it. You need to push the things around to match the glowy stuff. Dunno what wanka designed this shit, but it’s pretty damn weird. I push it all around and figure it out eventually and…
… This happens. Looks like some sort of tomb stone or something. Maybe I’ll touch it and it’ll stab me in the fucking hand again. The glowy stuff dies away, guess it got sick of being powered by my own blood. I touch the thing and amazingly it doesn’t stab me. It just opens up.
Fuck me there’s some little girl in here. I bet she’s a bloody vampire. Because I don’t see any food or drink or bottles of piss in there with her. She just starts talking at me. Asking me all sorts of stuff. “Who’s the high king of Skyrim?” she asks. There’s a high king? The only thing I know about her is that there is an Elder Scroll on her back. How do I know? Looks like the one I can’t take out of my own damn back pack space! Fucking untradable, uncraftable items.
Somehow, instead of me killing her, this person wants me to take her home. She’s probably got me confused with Spy.
Yeah, and I’m Sniper, you wanka. Alright, where’s your house?
Why are these my only options? Where’s the I don’t know button? You probably know more than I do about this stupid place. Only reason I made it here was because I got directions from vampire hunters. Can I kill you yet? No? Fine, mongrel. Let’s go. If you’re lucky, I won’t throw piss at you.
This looks awkwardly like some sort of arena. I’m not going down there. I’m a professional, not some sort of stupid simpleton who fights in one-on-one fights. There’s a loud noise coming from the corner though, so I go and check that out.
I ain’t got a clue what this is. Word of power? Some sort of magic? Don’t get it. But it stops making weird noises so I guess whatever I did worked. Still, sparkly.
We head on. That vampire lady is still talking. Does she not understand the job of a Sniper?
Eventually we reach the real world. Cor, it’s bright out here. Hang on, I thought vampires melted in the sun? Then again, they die to ordinary arrows, so I guess these wankers ain’t your normal vampire.
Oh I get it now. I heard all this before love. If I don’t get a reward for saving your bony backside, I am going to turn everyone’s head into a fine, red mist. So where are we going now? ACROSS THE OTHER HALF OF THE ISLAND. Shoulda brought my damn camper van.
So we start walking again. I find this other wall. Still got no clue what this all means. I’m just in it for the money.
While I’m here, I see a fancy statue. And guess what? The bloody thing talks to me!
Nah, I think I’ll pass mate. That is, until she promises treasure and things like that. Guess I’ll deal with the statue later though, since this vampire mongrel is getting impatient. We leave the statue be and head down a mountain. It’s a statue, I’m sure it’s patient and can wait a bit. Plus the vampire can offer me more money. I gotta finish one job before starting another, right?
THAT’S where she lives? Great! I bet she’s rich! I’ll get her dad to pay me, then shoot the pair of them and tell Isran that his vampire problem is all sorted.
Wow. Nice castle. Reminds me of Demo’s place. This Skyrim has cool castles. Guess we’d better get inside and get paid…
Oh what now, vampire lady?
Fine. Guess there’s more than one vampire in there. The guy at the door lets us in, keeps on saying that this Harkon bloke is a good man. I doubt it. He’s probably a filthy Spy or something.
This vampire is about to kick me out when he spots missy blood sucker behind me and goes and announces us to everyone behind him. There’s a lot more of them than I expected. And nowhere really good where I can snipe them without being spotted. And since this ugly bastard with a head perfect for being sniped calling us all out, I ain’t got no choice but to play along.
There are corpses everywhere. What is this, Medic’s old lab? There’s bloody mutant dogs around here too!
Ah, here’s the girl’s daddy.
Hiya, wanka. I’m Sniper. Nice to meet you. Gonna pay me now? Nope, gonna talk at me.
He FINALLY gets to the subject of payment. What’s it’s gonna be? Gold? Treasure? Money? Weapons?
Clearly Harkon doesn’t know me. I don’t fear death and I already walk as a lion among sheep with people trembling as I approach their dead bodies because I’ve already blown their heads off. You ain’t worked with my team, mate.
Still, go on.
So my choices are: become a giant monster or get out of here alive. Hm…