Ah, you’re all back. Thought I’d lost you all back there. Well, after some fun with Merasmus, I’m in Skyrim. This vampire thing called Lord Harkon just gave me a choice to become a giant monster and work for him, or go home.
Look how demanding this wanka is. Look at him. Wanka. I don’t think I want to work for him, so he…
Wow, that bloody fruitshop owner just kicked me out of his damn castle. Not even a bloody reward. Ya hear that, kids? Don’t trust those vampires. Cheap bastards. So I’m going to have to walk all the way back to that stupid fortress and pick up some crappy reward. Suppose that’s what I deserve for trying to follow the money.
I decide to stop by in this place called Whiterun. Someone says I should get me some potions, I so buy a bunch of cure disease things. Ain’t no telling what those vampires been doing with their claws.
Oh and I leveled up apparently.
So, onwards with my adventure! I wanna kill things for money. So I go outside…
And find this going on. Two men harassing an old woman. Am tempted to kill them for free for the old lady, but there’s too many guards nearby.
Hmph. I will have to pay these wankas a visit later on. When it’s dark and there’s no guards around. Anyway, I get back to Fort Dawnguard and…
Well, nothing really. There’s a buncha vampire sissies hanging around but the old man deals with them with ease. I go and speak to him.
That is one amazing unusual effect. Must get myself one.
So Isran is sending me off to find some buddies? Look, I know, mate, it looks bad, but I’d like to be paid now. Unfortunately Isran says I ain’t getting paid until these vampires have been removed. Fair point, but I’ve done the job ya asked me to do. Still, more money for me. I add it to the bill and head off to find these two loonies.
I encounter a spider. I’ve seen bigger. After what happened last time, I ain’t phased by this one. Gunmar is just ahead.
He wants me to kill a bear? But I just killed a damn bear. You can’t see it, but I did. I even got some nice fur as a souvenir.
Well turns out this guy’s a pisshead too, there were THREE bears in here. Honestly mate, I’d rather fight the spiders. But Gunmar is happy, so alright. Maybe Isran will pay me extra for satisfied customers. Now I gotta traipse across the whole country looking for this other gal. Dunno what Isran was on about, Dwemer? Sounds like a dumb name for a dwarf or something.
This is a long walk. I found this thing called Wuld and I said it and would ya believe it, it made me run faster. Still, I’m bloody exhausted.
Still walking. Wait, is that a syringe in my backside? I’m gonna kill that quack.
I pick up some nasty illness killing a vampire. Thankfully these lovely ladies are around to cure me. They clearly don’t know that their base has been destroyed. Tried to tell them, but they weren’t having it.
I stumble across this as well. What is it with bastards going around pissing on poor people? Ain’t a single bloody professional ’round here except me. But there’s nothing I can do to help here.
I find another of them fancy walls. I can hear the roaring of a dragony thing, same as last time, but I can’t SEE the damn thing. Weird.
I finally find her! She wants some ‘dwemer gears’ before she’ll leave though. I found a sack full of gold gears and give them to her, so she’s quite happy. She walks off towards what I hope is the quickest path back to the fortress and I follow her…
I swear that wasn’t here last time. Was I really gone that long? Bloody hell. It’s bloody cold too, so I head inside.
Turns out Isran has a neat vampire detection device. Think he and Engineer would get on pretty well, actually. He starts talking at the other two and doing stuff. Then he tells me I have a visitor.
Please don’t be that stupid girl I regret saving earlier. Please. Please!
Knew you’d be a pile of trouble. Now you’re getting in the way of me and my payment. Fine. She starts going on about some bollocks about her dad and the sun.
Well, I don’t believe the crap she has to say, but she’s got a really expensive looking doohickey on her back and I don’t fancy them vampires making the sun disappear. Also, Isran, you’re a professional like me, I respect that, but this vampire has tits. She clearly has a gender, stop with the it.
Wait, didn’t Medic like, read one? Back when he was here? I swear the old quack did. Maybe Medic had some shmagic or something to help him.
We decide to head to the college as well as do errands for the two people we just brought here. On the way we encounter some strange things.
That’s a cool lizard thing.
Met this interesting cat person as well. He seemed to think that I knew him. Weird. Cool, um, thing though. Told me some interesting stuff.
This bloody green guy tried to kill me with a dagger and his fists. That wasn’t a knife, THIS is a knife.
I have no idea what was happening here. I ain’t stupid. I am just gonna leave those wankas to kill one another. Stupid vampire girl agrees.
We walk all the way to this big college on a hill. Fulla wizards apparently. Got a nice library, and this orc gives me the info we need. Place called Dragon Bridge. I check my map and it’s bloody miles away.
I did promise him I wouldn’t harm his library. Thought all these green guys were dumb, but guess not.
So we walk even further. Shoulda brought my trusty camper van along or something, feet are killing me. But just as we come close to the place, I spot a carriage on the ground. Two dead bodies too. One’s a vampire. Something smells fishy here, and it ain’t Soldier’s boots.
AHA! My keen senses got us going in the right direction! Told ya I was awesome.
But we’re distracted by something. I can hear another wyvern thing. This one is really close.
Like really close. So I fire an arrow and Serana fires a, um, spear of ice?
Bullseye! They don’t call me Sniper for nothing, mate! There’s an invisible dragon stalking us!
I kill the wind dragon and even though it’s invisible, it goes all glowy. I apparently absorb its soul. Piece of piss, don’t know why everyone was so scared of these wankas. I loot the body for some fancy stuff and turn around. I head towards the cave where this Moth Priest was taken t-
Skyrim.exe has stopped working
Guess the dragon had the last laugh.