The Gentleman’s Gatsby

“I was wondering around the other day, using my spectacularly riotous tickle mittens to coax my fellow adversely-colored brethren into fits of eye-watering hilarity, when a kind fellow noted the bubbly intrigue of my fine trusty battle helmet I had acquired from a rather loaded fellow whose name I do not recall, his name began with “Fus” or something of the like. But anyhow the man was bewildered.

“Where do those bubbles come from?! What kinds of sorcery is at play?” he asked, as he consumed a particularly large fishcake.

“Well…” I replied in haste. “This is an unusual hat. The finest in overly ambitious, self-confidence boosting, overpriced head protection!” I stated proudly, to which he replied “Heavy is your favourite class?”

And at that plot-twisting instant I had had an epiphany.

“What use would a fine medic player such as myself have with a heavy unusual?” I asked myself, “what a naive fool I have been!” I rushed to my copy of The Hat Wearing Mann, which had a special on fashionable head-worthy roadkill, to observe our current fashion trends. But to my disappointment, Geisha hats were in fashion at the time.

But this will not do, you see, I am a man of fine taste, I need a hat which shines, a hat of gentlemanly proportions, with plenty of pizzazz and yet pleasantly formal, a hat which emulates sensibility and status but at the same time still lets thoseĀ  ladies know that you are a sexual Tyrannosaurus of a man. I could not find such a hat, unfortunately, but then, the voice of Zeus, the god of the heavens called to me.

“For you are blessed with the most gentlemanliest head of all gentlemanland, I bestow to you this knowledge, of a hat so gentlemanly that the heavens themselves will say “PHWOAR! what a man!” and possibly give you a free milkshake. It is known in the gentlemen’s circle as The Gentleman’s Gatsby.”

I was nothing short of astonished, I needed to obtain this hat of most gentlemanly proportions, and take my place on the great historic wall of… stuff. My final quest is at hand, for I take my journey of treachery, lowballers, bronies and bodyshooters in the dangerous valley known only as TF2OP.

Join me my fellow Gatsby owners as I fulfill my destiny, cement my name in gentleman history, and achieve ultimate gentlemanship. I hereby place this hat on the outpost for Gatsby offers of the gentlemanly sort. Help me fulfill my destiny!

-Terroxy Shields, Overlord of Tyrannosaurid Attractiveness


After reading all of that, I’d be surprised if you ever looked at a Gentleman’s Gatsby again. I’d actually forgotten about the existence of both the above story and that of the Gentleman’s Gatsby itself, until I stumbled across a bookmarked TF2Outpost trade.

The Gentleman’s Gatsby is one of the simplest hats in the game. I’m pretty certain I’ve seen a Self-Made one, back when I was a moderator on the Golden Machine Gun servers. It’s simpler than even the bloody seal mask, which I honestly don’t get at all. Why not a cat mask or a bat mask or something? It’s simpler than the Otolaryngologist’s Mirror. The Gatsby though is so simple that I don’t know whether I like it or not.

It does look very gentlemanly, I give it that. The Team Captain is a sexy hat but it’s the hat of a leader, of military rank. And it’s far more gentlemanly than the Gibus in its busted up state. There should be a version of the Gibus that is fixed up. The Gatsby fits on anyone very nicely and could be an an amazing all-class hat, but that would never happen.

It’s paintable too. When Terroxy finally got his unusual Gatsby with orbiting fire, he painted it in team spirit and wore it with the Quadwrangler or the Der Wintermantel, the only real Medic coats available at the time. These days though, it would go really nicely with the Tuxxy, or any other fancy-pants item. There’s a ton of Medic coats to choose from.

You probably won’t really see many Gatsby-wearers though. The hat’s simpleness is its downfall. The aforementioned Mirror is more appealing with its two main shapes, and the ton of hats we have means there is too much choice. Why wear a Gatsby and be a gentleman when you can be a twat with a banana on his head?

Oh, and there’s one other thing.

In its unpainted RED team form, it kinda looks exactly like there’s a liver on your head. Exactly.

No wonder my brother renamed his hat to the Burning Liver and sold it off for a Vintage Tyrolean.

Also, he’s a liar. He’s not a Medic main. Not even close.


Also known as Doctor Retvik Von Schreibtviel, Medic writes 50% of all the articles on the Daily SPUF. A dedicated Medic main in Team Fortress 2 and an avid speedster in Warframe, Medic has the unique skill of writing 500 words about very little in a very short space of time.

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