Pocket Pauling

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The Pocket Pauling is a cosmetic released in the Rainy Day Pack. It is a plush doll that looks like Ms. Pauling holding a clipboard, which sits on Scout’s backpack. The button eyes are rather similar to the ones on the Pocket Pyro except that they’re darker in colour.

In the Pocket Pauling’s hands is a clipboard, which has a small piece of paper on it that is (supposedly) held in place by a thumbtack. On the paper is a drawing of Ms. Pauling’s face surrounded by heart shapes and a sentence saying:”Scout is the best of the Teufort nine and he definitely deserves a pay rise and all the chicks in the world.” It strongly suggests that a) Scout wrote that himself, since no one else will ever write that, and b) Scout is a creep that obsessed hungrily over Ms. Pauling. The plush toy itself would’ve been grounds for a restraining order in real life.

clipboard
A bit hard to read, but I verified with the Wiki on this.

However, it is a rather lore-friendly cosmetic and fits Scout’s character. The clipboard is a nice bit of detail that was not needed but certainly welcomed. It is nicely made, lovingly detailed, and shows a degree of love for TF2’s story. Which is why it absolutely breaks my heart for me to say that plush toy cosmetics can all go burn in hell.

The first of its kind, a plush toy pocket cosmetic that references a TF2 character, is the Pocket Medic. It’s a pun on the term referring to a Medic that heals only one person, and is given to Heavy and Soldier, the latter being the designated pocket in competitive games and the former being the indisputable Medic magnet on pubs. It is a pretty clever idea and a rather good cosmetic, and it deserves a lot of love.

We then have the Pocket Pyro two years later, which references how Pybros normally hang aroung an Engineer’s Sentry nests and guarding it from Ubers and Spies. Rather interesting idea and it fills up the otherwise-empty pouch on Engineer’s side. One can imagine Engineer carrying it around as a good luck charm to ward off pesky Spies. Again, a rather good cosmetic.

A few months later, the Pocket Horsemann was added. Nothing much to say about it, it has glowing eyes and mouth like the Horsemann himself, but it’s a rather big missed opportunity to not give it squeaky versions of the Horsemann’s voicelines. Especially since Archimedes the Undying and the Second Opinion were released on the same update.

We then have the Little Bear a year later for the Heavy. Added in the unnamed April First 2014 patch, this thing is a joke. It is a miniature version of a giant Heavy Robot from MvM that sits in a pouch on Heavy’s belt. And this is supposed to be a reward for buying TF2 figurines? Why don’t you just add a plain ol’ Gibus as a reward for coming in first for TF2 ESEA Invite? I appreciate the fact that Valve isn’t obligated to give us anything for buying the TF2 figurines, but this just feels like Valve is taking the piss. After a bunch of really nice hats released during the MvM Update and a selection of fine hats that came out during Robotic Boogaloo, you are telling me that the best thing you can come up with that is MvM related is a small robot Heavy attached on a regular-sized human Heavy’s belt?! The number of people that liked this thing is probably less that people who mained Natascha Heavies in TF2! You had a good history of merchandise tie-ins, Valve! Remember the Officer’s Ushanka? The Texas Ten Gallon? Or the Brigade Helm? How lazy can you be that you decided to slap a mini version of the merchandise you are promoting onto a character model and then just call it a day?

After that, we get the Pocket Heavy, the community’s answer to Valve’s Pocket Medic. Rather cute idea, but honestly at this point I supposed the concept of stuffing plush toy versions of TF2 characters into pockets is rather done to death.

But that didn’t stop the Pocket Momma from being added, oh no. Because the Spy, a man who loves his suits and is keen on looking sharp and smart, will not only spoil a nice suit jacket by stitching an oddly-placed breast pocket that shouldn’t be there, but he’ll also put in a stuffed plush toy version of his lover there. Does that sound like anything the Spy would do? Have you no respect for a Frenchman’s charm and dignity?!

And lastly, we came to this. Pocket Pauling. The idea of Pocket [Insert TF2 Character Here] has finally reached its end. And this time it’s not even in a pocket, it’s just lazily placed on to of Scout’s backpack and held there by two pins and the willing suspension of disbelief. And the model could have a polycount higher than a HWM mercenary model and 4K textures while being lovingly crafted by a 100-man team of modelers and texture artists for all I care, this idea is dumb. Because there is no way Scout would be caught dead running around with a plush toy modeled after his crush.  And the fact that Scout is more likely to get a tattoo of Ms. Pauling than run around with a plush doll of her just makes me wonder why don’t they do that, especially since tattoos are already in the game.

And seriously, how many more stupid plush toys do we need to add into TF2? We even have a plush toy Joker and Harley Quinn for crying out loud! Can we just stop with this trend of adding dolls into the damn game! Its almost as stupid as the damn banana hat with none of the charm! AND IF I SEE AN ENTRY FOR A POCKET ZHANNA I WILL FIGHT YOU WITH A BLOCK OF CHEESE

Wait a second…

Bloody hell
Link.

You son of a….

They will never find your body in the mountain of cheese I will bury you in.

WHY IN THE WORLD WILL SOLDIER CARRY A ZHANNA PLUSHIE WHEN THEY CAN JUST FIGHT TOGETHER NAKED AND COVERED IN HONEY?!

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Oh, still around for cosmetic loadout advice for the Pocket Pauling? That’s simple. Don’t.

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