Cetus Wisps are Cunts

Cetus Wisps. I hate them. I hate the little floating fuckers. They’re small and annoying and they seem to be required for fucking everything on the Plains of Eidolon. Most loot in the game is somewhat easy to farm, or at least is there to be found, and doesn’t play tricks on you or anything.

See this little cunt? This is a Cetus Wisp.
See this little cunt? This is a Cetus Wisp.

How do you farm Cetus Wisps? You run around the Plains of Eidolon, following the edges of specific ponds and lakes, hoping that they spawn. They’ll appear as an icon on your minimap if you have Loot Detector, Animal Instinct or Thief’s Wit. They are small and float about 10cm off the ground. If you see one, you need to grab it immediately, because the bastards 1. have a midget hitbox, 2. can’t be vacuumed up the same way 99% of all other resources in Warframe can, 3. will not respawn or come back after collecting them, requiring a trip back to Cetus and 4. THEY FUCKING FLOAT UP AND DISAPPEAR IF YOU DON’T CAPTURE THEM FAST ENOUGH.

Cetus Wisps even have the audacity to not play nice with things like Mag’s Greedy Pull or Itzal’s Cosmic Crush. The number of times I’ve hugged a Wisp, spammed the shit out of Cosmic Crush and watched the little cunts disappear is saddening to say the least. Even with a range build, the tiny twats require pinpoint accuracy to pick up.

Can you see it? The Cetus wisp? That's what we're looking for.
Can you see it? The Cetus wisp? That’s what we’re looking for. Trust me, you WILL NEED Loot Radar.

Even Nitain Extract and Argon Crystals are less annoying than Cetus Wisps. Nitain can only reliably be found by doing Nitain alerts, but at least at the end of your mission, you’re guaranteed to get your reward! Argon Crystals disappear (you lose half your Argon Crystals every 24 hours) but at least they’re pretty easy to farm, you can get a bunch by doing a quick Defense or Survival mission, or by running around as Limbo or using a Punch-Through Ignis. Heck, I can excuse Sentient Cores for not being vacuum-able since they have big UI icons showing you where they are, and they don’t fucking move.

No, Cetus Wisps have to be a major pain in the ass. They can’t be like normal loot. I suppose we should be thankful that Smeeta Kavat Charm buffs and Resource Boosters work on these wankers.

Sure, you can fly the various routes that people have suggested, using your Itzal and Cosmic Crush or Portal Nova, but that’s boring and tedious. You fly the same loop over and over, hoping that maybe you’ll get a couple more Cetus Wisps. You’re looking at 7 of the tiny pricks per run. If you’re lucky. Most of the time, you’ll get 3-5, before exhausting all the lakes and being forced to return to Cetus. Because no more Cetus Wisps will spawn once you’ve collected them all. I mean, maybe, if your load times onto the Plains are fast enough and you dedicated an entire Night Cycle on the Plains to it, you could get 80 in a night, but for most people, there’s a good long delay between entering those massive Orokin doors and Cetus or the Plains loading in, essentially gating you further.

It’s made worse by the weird dumb ‘ceiling’ on the Plains and the fact that every single Grineer on the Plains has anti-aircraft missiles that they pull out of their asses and shoot you down with.

“Oh but they spawn more at night!” Yeah so fucking what? At night I’m busy fishing and hunting Eidolons! I don’t have time to run around chasing little floating bastards! There are loads of better things you can be doing at night, from fishing for Norgs, Cuthol and Glappids to mining in peace because the Grineer have gone to bed to shooting massive monsters for a chance at awesome loot. Why on earth would I want to spend my night following the same circular path over and over for some mini sentient dickbags?

Yeah, sure you can do bounties and get them. But why the hell would you do bounties just for 1-3 Cetus Wisps when you could be getting anything from Furax Wraith parts to relics to unique mods to Breath of the Eidolon, which is basically the Nitain Extract of the Plains? It’s like getting 15 Iradite or 5 Nistlepods from an Incursion, but worse because you signed up to do a 5 part mission and are being rewarded bugger all loot. Cetus Wisps in Bounties are worse than those Alerts for things like Orokin Cells, Neural Sensors and Argon Crystals – if it’s an Exterminate mission or something, you can get an Alert done in a couple of minutes and not worry about it. Although a 10 wave Defense or 10 minute Survival for one Neural Sensor is dumb.

It wouldn’t be so bad if Cetus Wisps were like Nitain Extract, only used in small amounts (except for fucking Vauban Prime and his TWENTY NITAIN!) but you need Wisps for a TON of Plains of Eidolon stuff. You need 30 Cetus Wisps just for the basic tier 1 Amp components, which means a minimum of 5 trips to and from the Plains just to build your three components assuming you find 7 little drifting vaginas in every run. Arcanes take the piss even more. The Plague Star Exodias (Arcanes for Zaws) cost 10 Cetus Wisps PER ARCANE, and you need 10 Arcanes to even really benefit from their effects! Yeah sure, they’re end-game content but veterans have better things to do than run around like ninnies chasing after floating rocks.

They’re even dumb to look at. Some people might think we’re being evil, making Space Kid Guns out of Cetus Wisps, but the bastards are CLEARLY miniature Sentients. And we all know that Sentients are evil bitches. Even the Lotus. Which means that Cetus Wisps are evil bitches too.

The slimy little douche nozzles deserve to be squished up and made into strange weapons with which we can go around killing their bastard Sentient cousins.

Stupid Cetus Wisps.

Medic

Also known as Doctor Retvik Von Schreibtviel, Medic writes 45% of all the articles on the Daily SPUF. A dedicated Medic main in Team Fortress 2 and an avid speedster in Warframe, Medic has the unique skill of writing 500 words about very little in a very short space of time.

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