An Elf, a Dwarf, a Kitsune and Literal Insanity

I’m going to be honest and blunt here, I should have started playing Dungeons and Dragons years ago. Or Pathfinder, which is DnD 3.5 and still very nice. Or just roleplaying table top games like this in general. It’s fun as heck. And, with the right person leading your games, it can all lead to literal insanity.

My first character is Rhyn’Go AmWoluff. Rhyn’Go was originally going to be a Catfolk Druid with a cat familiar based on my real life pet cat Ringo, but I just didn’t have the right stats for it. So Rhyn’Go became a Kitsune Druid who regularly forgets that she can shapeshift into a human and has used her animal form a grand total of once. So far, in her brief existence, she has attempted to talk a dragon into leaving town and failed, she has wandered into a town and helped deal with a plot to mind control the local population with infected beer, she has helped clean up a wizard’s tower then nearly died when the wizard’s apprentice disappeared into a portal and when she nearly drowned. Luckily, Rhyn’Go works alongside some competent people, SkullDave Ironclaw, a grumpy, heavy-drinking dwarven barbarian and Kristopher, a haughty elf of noble blood who has a pet baby dragon for some reason.

Death by D20
Death by D20

Poor Rhyn’Go hasn’t had a good time and spends most of her existence perpetually confused. She hasn’t really managed to kill anything, she’s failed most of her spells and plans on spending a small fortune on wands because her spear is better used as a mop than a weapon. She also picked up a nasty disease from a flying snake, but thankfully a cure disease spell worked and she managed to cure that. Rhyn’Go so far has been better off buffing her fellow adventurers and healing things, either with a large number of potions, Cure Light Wounds or her wand of Cure Light Wounds.

In her latest adventure, Rhyn’Go, alongside Kristopher and SkullDave, cleans up a wizard’s tower after his apprentice accidentally summons a monster that rampages through it. Such a task sounds pretty easy, especially when most magic-using beings have a spell that cleans up for you. Nope, Rhyn’Go only really has Purify Food and Drink and Mending. Mending did come in handy when Kristopher needed a hole in his pants fixed though, after a fight with some rather… aggressive and curious flying serpents.

So basically, we had to do everything by hand. And that meant picking up scrolls and potions off the floor that could have been potentially very dangerous.

Oh, when I said dangerous, there was more than just magical items to worry about. For reasons unknown, the wizard’s tower contained a parkour puzzle that the whole group elected to skip by using rope and climbing up, while sharing a ring of feather falling. We ran into an escaped Kobold, which SkullDave intimidated to run back to its cage, and we also accidentally spawned a one-way portal to another dimension, which we hid behind some bookcases.

Another hazard included a baby Tarrasque. The sort of creature that, when fully mature, will destroy entire cities with ease. Rather than fight this horrible baby creature, I pushed it out of a window (the power of rolling a 20), causing it to fall 100m to its death. It landed on SkullDave’s recently adopted pony, Tiny Tony Ponytelli, splatting it against the ground. SkullDave, mourning his horse, drinks a flask of beer which just happens to randomly appear, summoning another one-way portal, which we again hide with a bookcase.

Of course, there’s still plenty of work to do. Everything is barely tidied up and things just seem to… randomly happen. At one point it randomly rained buttery popcorn and I found 17 platinum pieces, giving 3 each to SkullDave and Kristopher. I could have given them more but they blow through money like it’s going out of fashion.

Our last and biggest obstacle is a terrifying being made out of slime and teeth that makes up an entire floor. We all prepared for battle, looking quite worried, because it had completely shaken off the fact that Kristopher had set the damn thing on fire. SkullDave though is completely unfazed, lands a crit and kills the beast by smashing its head in with the blunt side of his axe.

At the top of the tower, we meet the wizard, who flew back home. He’s incredibly confused and asks us a lot of awkward questions. We ask if he wants to come and work for our town, and he agrees, as long as we take his apprentice to a nearby temple. Which we do, because frankly there’s popcorn everywhere and we kinda want to leave. The wizard does us a favor and teleports us all downstairs, alongside the apprentice.

So we do as we ask and take the apprentice to the temple. The apprentice is kidnapped by an entity in a portal and everything starts to collapse. Thank heavens for SkullDave’s dungeoneering knowledge because otherwise we would have never made it out. Then again, Kristopher’s legs didn’t quite make it out in one piece, as he… kinda got crushed under a collapsing ceiling.

Of course, that all sounds insane. But really, the insanity has just begun. Once we make it out, I rush off to grab the wizard, having turned into a bird to escape, and the wizard just chops off Kristopher’s legs, instead giving him bands of levitation. Because none of us have health insurance and floating is better than having a limp. The wizard then says he will move to our town and someone suggests he just teleport the tower to his town.

Unfortunately it’s not just us players who get critical fails. The wizard doesn’t teleport anything. Instead he spawns a fucking huge sphere of water that floods and destroys everything nearby. And for some reason a chandelier spawns and hits me and Kristopher on the head. The wizard at least has the courtesy to get us to safety.

Once we’re on dry land though, the wizard offers us something for our troubles. He pulls out a deck of cards and asks us to take some.

To put it simply, Rhyn’Go got 2 levels worth of experience and a cape that changes colours. SkullDave got a level in Sorcery and a paralyzing fear of spiders. Kristopher, who had lost his legs and thus his sense of judgement, got a sex change, woke up in bed with an NPC and a single wish, which he used to remove the more damaging cards that he pulled.

But as we all got back together in town, Kristopher’s last card became known. The wizard, which we had spent 5 hours trying to get to come to our town, was killed by a falling sign.

Like I said, pure insanity.

As a final little tidbit, I should point out that Rhyn’Go, as a druid, has a companion. Floof, a pretty grey wolf, has done pretty much nothing of use so far apart from sleep in the kitchen next to a fireplace, briefly carry a sword and bite a coin mimic. I mean, it IS a wolf, but still.

Anyway, I guess we need to find another wizard or something…


Medic, also known as Phovos (or occasionally Dr Retvik Von Scribblesalot), writes 50% of all the articles on the Daily SPUF since she doesn't have anything better to do. A dedicated Medic main in Team Fortress 2 and an avid speedster in Warframe, Phovos has the unique skill of writing 500 words about very little in a very short space of time.

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