Doubtful Laser Weaponry for Quick Classes

This was all Soldier's idea...This was all Soldier's idea...
This was all Soldier’s idea…

By fast people, I mean people who are fast and run at a speed higher than 100%. So basically, Scout and Medic. Yes, I am talking about the Dr. Grordbort sets. Beautiful, aren’t they? Some might disagree. I can see why, but maybe we should give them a chance.

Let’s get the bad news out of the way first. I very much doubt we’ll ever see these. I think Valve and Weta had a bit of a falling out or something, as the Dr Grordbort weapons have been in the TF2 workshop since forever. Generally, when a company wants something from their franchise in TF2, they either get added as a (sometimes incredibly ugly) promotional item, or they get dumped into the Workshop, where they spend the rest of eternity hoping that someone might one day see them and add them among the ten billion hats currently in-game. Same thing happened to those (ugly) Skullgirls hats.

Another reason why people, particularly Valve, don’t want more laser weapons is because all everyone has done is whine about them. The Cow Mangler varied from being overpowered to underpowered to overpowered to being a slightly weaker version to stock. The Phlogistinator used to eat Tanks like a kid in a castle made of marshmallows, before it was cut down to size and now only eats Tanks one at a time. The Eureka Effect screwed over a lot of people who didn’t read the red text. The Manmelter is not a very good weapon and needed a few tweaks. Even now, it’s not very effective. AND DON’T GET ME STARTED on the Pomson 6000.

My point is, almost all the other Grordbort weapons, apart from the Righteous Bison, were very iffy when they came out and needed tweaks. And these weapons were on Engineers, Pyros and Soldiers. Imagine what sort of hell would break loose if hideously broken weapons were released for Scouts or worse, Medics.

There’s also other issues too. Does anyone remember when the Cow Mangler 5000 came out? I do. It’s where CM5K Syndrome comes from, although thankfully, the Cow Mangler has partially recovered from that particular illness. That wasn’t the issue though. The projectiles used were huge. Firing a charged shot at someone was the same as firing a Pyro at them. The projectiles were so polygon heavy that they killed weaker computers. All sorts of technical issues may occur. Alright, this might happen with ANY TF2 update, but the Grordbot updates seemed to amplify this.

But let’s look on the nice side of things. Surely a Medic/Scout Grordbort update would be neat, right? It certainly would be for Medics. We all know that Medic has always received incredibly little screen time when it comes to comics, although he tends to do better in videos. A Scout/Medic story would be very interesting as the two characters have nothing in common, and would give the pair a chance to develop. Medics do lack in number of weapons (although overall, most Medic weapons are perfectly viable) and two new ones would balance the scales a bit. Scout does have plenty of weapons, but projectile primaries and secondaries would make a brand new type of Scout.

Worst case scenario, why not add the weapons as reskins? Reskins are mostly harmless to the game, as long as they don’t do anything stupid like the Original (which isn’t a reskin!) and are just weapons with a different look. The hats, eh, not all of them are great, but I’m sure people would buy them.

Of course, this is all hyperbole. It’s not going to happen.

A pity, because Medic looks great with the Cow Mangler 5000.


Medic, also known as Phovos (or occasionally Dr Retvik Von Scribblesalot), writes 50% of all the articles on the Daily SPUF since she doesn't have anything better to do. A dedicated Medic main in Team Fortress 2 and an avid speedster in Warframe, Phovos has the unique skill of writing 500 words about very little in a very short space of time.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *