The Pyro should remain a mystery.

The tagline for the Spy was that he is a riddle wrapped in an enigma, but it turns out we know quite a lot about the Spy. He fancies Scout’s mother and he had a full miniature meal in his teeth. The only thing that we know about the Pyro is that when fire is around, he sees everything as rainbows and candy. We don’t even know if he’ s a he.

Actually, I say that, there is some stuff we know about the Pyro. We know it likes puppies and we know that it can actually run a business, as long as there’s no fire around. The second fire appears, poof, it’s a maniac again. We also know that even its team mates are actually slightly scared of it and that Medic may know Pyro’s gender, as he would had to open its chest to implant an Uber Device.

One of the biggest mysteries about the Pyro though is its gender. Some say it’s a guy, some say it’s a girl. The evidence from both sides isn’t that good, but due to the voice and the shape of the body, I think male is more likely. Plus, everyone else is a guy and it’s nice that we’ve got two women bossing nine men around for a change. Problem is, Valve being Valve, they’ve thrown bones and clues everywhere, so no one is any the wiser now than they were when Team Fortress 2 was released. If anything, Meet the Pyro made everyone even more confused!

I just want to throw in a quick note here: Meet the Pyro was a tad of a letdown. Especially since I watched it when it came out, alongside a bunch of friends. The emotion that came out of it at the end was What The Fuck, rather than That Was Brilliant, like with Meet the Medic. Just my opinion though.

Over the years though, people have works hard, going through all sorts of nonsensical stuff in an attempt to find more information out about the Pyro and the claims have become more and more tenuous. That’s where I think that people should stop and that they’re ruining our favourite Pyromaniac. Don’t get me wrong, reading claims about the Pyro is incredibly amusing but we’ve reached the point that we have examined and over-examined every single little detail.

Do you know what we’ve examined? Clouds. And voices. And hand bags in lockers, which some men have. And the millions of hats, some of which are feminine, others masculine. And skulls. And comparisons of body shapes compared to real life humans. That last one in particular makes no sense what so ever, since the characters of Team Fortress 2 lack human proportions. Yes, even the fairly normal Engineer. It’s ridiculous.

But what’s worse than the silly things that we are examining through the silliest of microscopes is what we’re doing to the Pyro itself. The Pyro is a mystery. That is the one thing the Pyro has that makes it different from everyone else, apart from the fire thing. And even the fire thing is being slowly taken away by other classes who inflict damage over time and do so more accurately. Mystery is what drives the Pyro and taking it away would hurt it.

If we were to discover what Pyro really is, then the Pyro and Team Fortress 2 itself would become more dull.