A Particularly Muffin-Filled Story

You may want to read this first.



Nuhvok-Kal shouldn’t have been awake. But he couldn’t sleep. Not when there was that feeling in his body. Since he’d arrived in this messed up, backwards world, he’d get this feeling occasionally. He didn’t like the feeling. Luckily, it was easy to get rid of. He just needed some form of sweetness. Normally, he’d have the sweetness made for him. But it was dark. No one else was awake. He needed to do this himself.

The first thing Nuhvok did was sneak down stairs. Everyone else was asleep, but not everyone knew about Nuhvok-Kal’s existence. He was a little secret. Something you don’t tell your friends. The thing you keep in the dark. Speaking of the dark, Nuhvok blinked several times, to activate his night-vision. There was no point being a secret if he could not see where he was going.

He knew where he was going though. Even if he couldn’t see, he knew off by heart where the kitchen was. Despite not having a real heart. Down the corridor. Third door on the left. Light switch on the right, by the first cupboard. He always had to jump to reach it. This time was no different.

Closing the door behind him, Nuhvok knew what he had to do. He needed a… He couldn’t remember what it was called. “Erm… Co… Cooo… Cook… Cookbook!” It had all the answers to his other questions. It was kept on the worktop, next to the ‘tea-towels’. All he had to do was get it, open it and find the stuff listed inside.The book opened up to a page called “Muffins.” The word seemed familiar to Nuhvok. His eyes scanned the page for what he needed. Flour. Eggs. Sugar. Butter. Cocoa. The Eggs and the Butter were in the Refrigerator. The other things were in the cupboards by the Oven. The ‘Bowl’ and the ‘Spoon’ were in the cupboard next to where Nuhvok normally hid if he was in the kitchen and a human was present.

Now that all his ingredients and tools were together, Nuhvok started mixing them together in the Bowl. Before long, he had a smooth, creamy paste in front of him. He put the mixture in a baking tray and placed the tray in the oven, leaving the bowl on the side.

Something tore through the air. A high-pitched siren.


He’d heard the noise before, but all those previous times, he had been safe in one of his hiding places… He’d been…

The kitchen door burst open, then was slammed shut. A strange, fairly skinny figure, clad in a face-hiding mask, held the door shut. His clothing was different to most of the humans Nuhvok had seen. And the human was talking to itself.

“You FOOL! It was the third door to the RIGHT! Not to the LEFT!” The voice was harsh, as if the human had been inhaling smoke. “When I get out of here…”

The human’s eyes met Nuhvok’s eyes. The human leaned away from the door and drew a strange-looking weapon. Along the side was a detailed engraving that Nuhvok could not quite understand. Not that it mattered. The human was shaking. Both him and the human were shaking. They were scared of each other.

“What are you?” Nuhvok whispered.

“What are you?” the human repeated in an equally quiet voice.

“Er…” Nuhvok hesitated. “Since you are the stranger… You go first…”

They were both still shaking. They could hear it in each other’s voices.

“Very well…” The human paused to wipe something off its actually-rather-fancy clothes. “I am Spy… RED Spy… I came here to steal BLU’s intel… But…”

Spy’s voice tapered off. Nuhvok had heard of the RED Spy before. The doctor had told him all about their enemies. He’d never actually seen them though.

“Erm, well, my name is Nuhvok-Kal. I am a Bohrok…” Nuhvok decided not to spend too long talking. Spy was still pointing a weapon at him.

“I have never heard of a ‘Bohrok’ before. Did BLU’s Engineer create you?”

“N-No… I was created by the B-Bahrag. I… I’d like to think that… That I am n-neutral here…” Why was Nuhvok’s voice stuttering like that? He must have been more scared than he thought. “Are you going to hurt me?”

Spy hesitated. Then, to Nuhvok’s surprise, he put the weapon down. “Non. You are neutral. It would not be fair of me to shoot a neutral player, whether he be human or… Or whatever you are… Wait…” The human sniffed. “Do I smell…”

“I was, er, making muffins when you barged in…”

Spy ignored Nuhvok’s words and walked over to the bowl on the work top. “Ah, raw muffin mixture… A rare treat…”

Suddenly, the kitchen door opened again. The RED Spy spun around, still holding the bowl of muffin mixture, aiming his gun at the entrance. In the doorway stood Medic. The look on Spy’s face turned from surprise to amusement.

“Ah… The Quack Doctor… Want me to ‘fix’ your back again?”

Medic said nothing, his eyes fixed on the gun which was aimed at his head.”BLU Medic, I am talking to you… It is rude not to answer…”

“I have nozhing to say to you…” Medic murmured.

“Shame…” Spy’s lips curled upwards, his face breaking into a demented smile. “I was hoping you’d have some interesting last w-AARGH!”

The bowl of muffin mixture suddenly flew out of Spy’s hand, whacking him in the side of the head. The spoon whipped out of the mixture, falling to the floor, then flying up, bashing into Spy’s left leg, then his left arm. His weapon tore out of his grip, before spinning through the air and pressing itself into Medic’s hands. Spy collapsed on the ground, unconscious.

“He is not a nice man…” Nuhvok tiptoed over to the sleeping human, then picked the fallen bowl up off the floor.

Medic blinked, then rushed over to the Bohrok. “Nuhvok, are you vell? Did zhe Spy hurt you? Did…”

Nuhvok shook his head. “I am well, Medic, but… I am hungry…”

The doctor grinned, then shuffled past the collapsed Spy towards the oven. He pulled on an oven mitten and opened the oven, where something warm and sweet awaited them.”Oh. I had forgotten about those…” Nuhvok smiled as he tucked in to the freshly baked muffins.


Also known as Doctor Retvik Von Schreibtviel, Medic writes 50% of all the articles on the Daily SPUF. A dedicated Medic main in Team Fortress 2 and an avid speedster in Warframe, Medic has the unique skill of writing 500 words about very little in a very short space of time.

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