Sniper’s Parental Predicament

Note: The following story is set in the past, back when Sniper’s foster parental units were still alive and kicking and living in a nice house in the middle of nowhere with a purple dog and a talking computer. Then that TF2 comic happened and everything changed. But this story still makes sense as long as you set it before the time the TF2 comics are set in.

Sniper slammed the phone down, a panicked look on his face. Did that conversation really just happen? Was he even awake? Had he accidentally inhaled some smoke from Spy’s special cigarettes? Had he somehow absorbed some of Soldier’s crazy and was now hallucinating?

No. He wasn’t. That conversation had just happened.

“LADIES! WE ARE GOING ON A FIELD TRIP!” Soldier burst into the room, thinking that everyone was present. Only Sniper was awake though. Everyone else had buggered off ages ago.

“I’m not going.” Sniper sighed as Soldier started searching the room for Spies, like he always did.

“WHAT? You, sir, are coming. No exceptions.” Soldier tipped over a chair, and with a thud, Spy popped into view, before shimming and disappearing again. “Have you been invisible the whole time, you little french sissy?”

Spy dusted himself down, then lit another cigarette, tutting as he realised it was his last. “But of course. I do not trust you with anything the Administrator tells us. And apparently, neither does Sniper. Someone has to keep an eye on you, Soldier. You’re as bad, if not worse than…”

Scout leaped into the room, shouting goodness knows what about the next mission. Spy rolled his eyes as hard as he could. So much for secrecy and espionage. Then again, he should have realised by now, he was surrounded by idiots. He glanced at Sniper, who seemed quite uncomfortable. Soldier smiled at Scout, then ushered him out, heading downstairs to the control room.

“Why do you not want to go, mon ami?” Spy asked, holding back his desire to mock Sniper. They both heard banging from downstairs, but ignored it. “Surely you wish to head to your homeland…”

Sniper sniffed. “Nah, mate. I just don’t wanna have to see my parents. This mission’s not too far from where I grew up…”

A puff of smoke drifted across the room as Spy finished his cigarette, unsure how he’d managed to finish it so fast. “Do not worry, they will not come to any harm. Remember Teufort?”

“Oh, where RED are now hated, since that Smissmas thing in the mall?”

Spy shook his head. “That was a bad example…”

“Mate, I don’t wanna see my parents. Y’know how pissed off they are about me being a mercenary instead of a lawyer or a doctor or something…”

“Have you tried lying?” Spy asked.

“Yeah. They don’t believe me…”

The pair of them paused and watched as Medic slowly shuffled by, glasses almost falling off his face and disappeared around the corner, dragged out of bed by Soldier’s calls for a meeting.

“Zehn nach zwei… Ten past two… Why so early?” Medic sighed loudly, before almost falling down the stairs.

Spy glanced at Sniper, then headed off to the meeting.

 

The makeshift base was pretty damn awful. It was basically an abandoned farm. Down the road, there was a small factory, where the mercenaries from BLU were holding some precious metal of some sort. And up the road? Sniper didn’t want to think about it. Someone told them that he was coming. Probably Soldier.

“I don’t know what to do…” Sniper slumped in front of the small fire, unsure what to do with himself. He wanted the mission to come and go so he could get away again, but time was against him.

“Ah don’ know whai ya’re still whinging on, Sniper…” Engineer plodded over, Pyro in tow, and sat down next to him. “Di’n’t Spai give ya an idea ‘r somethin?”

Sniper raised an eyebrow. “That, mate, was the dumbest idea I had ever heard. Sounded like one of Soldier’s plans.”

Pyro stoked the fire and mumbled something about something, then sighed.

“What did he say?”

Engineer glanced at Pyro. “Oh, er, ‘e said that Spy’s a smart guy, ‘is plan might actually work…”

“No way. And Medic would NEVER agree to it. He doesn’t trust anyone with that medigun…”

“You’d be surprised…”

Sniper grunted as Engineer nodded towards the main farm house. “No…”

“What do you mean, no?”

Sniper jumped out of his skin. Pyro fell backwards. Engineer simply smiled. “Er, nothing.”

Medic tutted. “You mentioned my medigun. What do you want? Are you proposing I heal you instead of someone with a little strength?”

Engineer grinned as he prodded the fire with a twig. “Nope, even better than that. Why don’t ya swap places with Sniper for a day? Just for laughs?”

Sniper gave Engineer an awful look of hatred, but Medic didn’t actually seem too annoyed.

“That would be… Interesting…”

“Okay, well… Wait, what?” Everyone seemed quite shocked. “Did you just agree?”

Medic nodded. “Ja. I have always fancied trying a different job for a day.”

Sniper hesitated. “Er, well, okay… But you are going to have to let me use that medigun…”

“Ja, of course! You cannot be a medic without the medigun! And I will need to use that rifle of yours… You will have to show me how it works…”

Engineer scratched his head. “Doc, have ya ever fired a proper gun before?”

“I fired a revolver once…”

Sniper shook his head and got up, rifle in hand. Pyro leaped up and set up a target.

“Okay, Medic…” Sniper handed him the rifle, and wished he hadn’t. The doctor had no idea how to hold it. With a little help though, Sniper managed to get Medic to hold the gun correctly. “You wanna aim for the head… Slowly…”

Engineer and Pyro stepped back. Sniper decided to do the same, just in case. Medic peered down the scope, and pulled the trigger.

The bang echoed around the base, sending Medic flying backwards. He hit the ground with a thump, still clutching on the rifle.

“Mein Gott! That is powerful!” Medic slowly picked himself up, careful not to hurt himself or the rifle. The others didn’t seem to be interested.

“Bloody hell. You actually hit it!” Sniper inspected the target. A neat hole carved through the center.

“I did?”

“Yeah. You just need to not fall over when firing, and you’ll be fine!” Sniper smiled. “Now, about that medigun…”

 

The sun began to rise as everyone slowly prepared for the day ahead. Sniper pulled on his jacket, then remembered what he was doing and took it off again. He quickly pulled on the off-white lab coat, leaving his jacket on the rack. As he did so, Medic shuffled over, dragging a box along the ground.

“What’s that?”

“Medigun, medipack, syringe gun, bonesaw.”

“Oh.”

“Don’t break them, bitte.”

“Thanks. And don’t break my stuff.”

“I won’t. Does the lab coat fit?”

“Yeah. You want my hat?”

“Ja, why not?”

“Try not to fall over.”

“Heh.”

There was a quick knock on the door, breaking up the conversation.

“LADIES? ARE YOU READY IN THERE OR DO I NEED TO GET MY SHOVEL OUT? Also, your parents are here, Sniper.” Soldier opened the door then disappeared. Standing in the doorway were his parents, Mr and Mrs Mundy.

Several minutes of silence drifted in and out of the room, while Sniper tried to think of something to say.

“What does he mean by ‘Sniper’?” Mrs Mundy finally broke the silence.

“Er…” Sniper opened and closed his mouth, but nothing was coming out.

“Ach, that Soldier, he is an idiot. He thinks you are mein parents…” Medic butted in. “Your son here is our Medic…”

“So you’re a doctor…” the Mundy’s asked in unison.

“Er… Erm… Field Medic…” Sniper could feel the sweat running down his head. “Y’know, healing people mid-battle…”

“He is ein very good Medic. He is kredit to team, as our Heavy Weapons Guy would say…” Medic smiled, knowing full well that Sniper now owed him. “Helped Heavy kill at least 50 enemy Soldiers back in Badwater…”

“Er, yeah… It’s a hard job though…” Sniper stuttered. “Gotta heal everyone…”

“Are you okay, son?” Mr Mundy asked, glancing at the crazy German bloke standing next to him.

“Yeah, dad, it’s just… Just…”

Medic interrupted again. “He is just worried that you might get hurt… This is a war and he worries about you… There are bombs and rockets everywhere sometimes.”

“It would kill me to see you getting caught in the crossfire…” Sniper joined in, still stuttering slightly. “Erm, why don’t I come down and visit after this mission’s finished or something?”

“That sounds like a wonderful idea, son!” Mrs Mundy rushed over to hug him. “I’ll make a cake! You can invite Sniper here as well of you want! And maybe you can invite the rest of the team too!” She finally let go of Sniper, so his dad could pat him on the back.

“Glad you decided to get a proper job, boy. You made us proud.” Mr Mundy turned to face Medic. “And you, Mr Sniper, you make sure my son stays safe.”

“Do not worry, we’ll look after him…” Medic smiled.

“Good, because you may be an assassin, but that ain’t gonna stop me firing buckshot up your ass.” Mr Mundy patted Sniper on the back one last time, then left the room. Mrs Mundy gave Sniper a hug, then followed him out, closing the door behind them.

Medic and Sniper stared at each other in stunned silence.

“Did that just happen?” Sniper gasped.

“Ja, I believe so…” Medic replied, not sure whether he could be smiling or not.

“Okay, now give me back my rifle…” Sniper sighed, tearing off the lab coat. “I barely trust you with that medigun on the battlefield, let alone my rifle…”