Where’s my Dragon Simulator?

When I’m not busy sticking syringes into Scouts and shoving modified fire hoses up people’s backsides, I like to think I’m a dragon. Dragons are such awesome creatures and because they don’t exist, anyone can imagine dragons to look however they want. Cool eh? A thread titled dragons on SPUF instantly grabbed my attention but left me disappointed.

But one thing I have always felt this world lacks is a decent dragon simulator. There is currently a game called Dragon: The Game on Steam, but it’s so Early Access that it’s barely an alpha. And it costs €17. Fuck that. The bigger issue though is why has it taken so long for anyone to come up with this sort of thing? I mean, simulators are fun. Games like Goat Simulator, Surgeon Simulator and Corrupt Football Manager Simulator have made tons of money. How? No idea. It makes no sense but it makes money! The few games I’ve seen though have all been disappointing, especially that crappy Play Station 2 game I had that I don’t even remember the name of. That’s how bad it was.

Come on, only being able to breathe fire for 2 seconds and then having to kill 5 cows to be able to do that again. Pathetic.

I need my dragon hit now. And there’s not many ways they can do it. There’s that game where you fly a dragon on a predetermined path, but you could switch the dragon out for a plane and not notice. Dragon Age has dragons in it, but as enemies. Same with TESV:Skyrim, but I’ll come back to that. For a while, the only place I could fulfill my desire was in Garry’s Mod of all places. A wonderful mod, Skyrim SNPCs, allowed you to spawn very well scripted dragons which you could control. Alas the mod disappeared from the Steam Workshop. Although there’s technically a way of using getting Skyrim SNPCs working again (involving loose files), it tends to be finicky and not really worth it unless you still have all the base files.

There IS a solution though. It requires The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Skyrim Script Extender and the addon Burning Skies, available on the Skyrim Nexus. This mod allows you to turn into a dragon and fly around Skyrim to your heart’s content. Okay, it’s a bit buggy, you’ll occasionally get stuck in things and the game may crash once in a blue moon, but it’s better than the in-game lycanthropy stuff. Seriously. Fuck those stupid weak glitchy Companions. They’re not nobel, they’re fucking animals.

But I always forget something. Team Fortress 2. My stomping grounds. There’s a solution in my own home town. Pyro! Why don’t I think about him? Maybe it’s the rule of thirds thing I have with him, since there’s generally a spot for me to play Soldier or Medic (or, as I’ve been doing lately, Heavy). Even the billion Spies I see are begging to be flamed, but there’s often already a Pyro or three on my team.

“Medic!” I hear you scream. “Pyro is nothing like a dragon!” That is, until you dress him up. Alright, the Burny the Pyrosaur set is a bit, well, kiddy, but we already have wings and tails and horns and spikes. Just make sure there’s no Sandvichkiin to ruin your day.

As for the lack of flying? Detonator. Like rocket jumping but with less height. Valve, why oh why couldn’t we have the Beta Detonator?

So yeah. Turns out the easiest way of pretending to be a dragon is also the least conventional.