Character Annihilation 7 – Knight

Welcome to the seventh story of the Character Annihilation series, in which I maim, kill and destroy write about random members of the SPUF community in a somewhat amusing way. Today’s story is about SPUF’s resident Demoknight expert, the sort of person a potato would votekick for hacking on a koth_Harvest server.

There was nowhere to run. The cannon balls bounced around, before coming to a rest by the Pyro’s feet, blowing it up in a spray of blood, guts and confetti. Reima laughed heartily, before carving a mark into the barrel of his Loose Cannon. He span around and charged off, propelling himself on and over a ramp, onto the rooftop nearby. A Medic had just respawned, and Reima was determined to take his head for the fourth time and earn himself yet another domination – he was already dominating the majority of the enemy team.

After an elegant landing though, Reima quickly noted the sound of a minigun spinning up. The bastard had changed class. Not that it mattered. Reima screamed words of sheer terror as he tore around behind the Medic-turned-Heavy and cut the coward’s head off. He then nimbly charged away, his shield fully charged from the kill. Never in Reima’s life had he been so happy.

It was the Tide Turner. Deep down, Reima was almost certain that Valve had read his mind and created the perfect weapon for him. Complete turning control, beautiful critical hits, a splatter of resistances and a full recharge on any successful kill. It was everything the master Demoknight could have wanted, and more. While he was going to miss being a hyper-mobile tank of a class, using the Targe Turning scripts of old, the Tide Turner more than made up for, well, everything. Let’s face it, the removal of the turning scripts had cast a long and deadly shadow among the Demoknight ranks.

But those dark days were over. The Tide Turner had been out for a while now, and nothing bar the end of the world could stop Reima from abusing the life out of it.

Tired of spawncamping, Reima decided to try something new. He wondered if he could make it across to the other side of Harvest, starting from where he was, without touching the ground. He lined himself up, ready to charge, when suddenly a Soldier appeared behind him. An enemy Soldier. They fired a couple of inaccurate rockets from their Beggar’s Bazooka, which knocked Reima into the air. Rather than panicking though, Reima simply charged through the air, making the most of the universe’s weird physics. He landed safely on the roof in front of his own spawn area, just as the Beggar’s Soldier randomly blew himself up.

The match ended, and Reima decided to celebrate by decapitating a Scout then heading out to the Spiffing Pub of Unsober Fighters. Outside of Harvest servers, the pub was his second home, where he could easily woo fans and shout at naysayers for hours at a time. Being drunk was optional, but today, Reima felt like having some fun. Made a change.

The first drink was great. Fans cheered as Reima retold the tale of the Pyro being killed at the start of this very article. In fact, he told the story three times, managing to chug down an alcoholic beverage during each telling.

After the fourth drink though, Reima swore he heard someone in the background complain that Demoknight was too easy. Whoever they were, they were outside his field of view.

There was always someone who had to complain. And with a good seven drinks in his belly, Reima was sick of hearing it. A naysayer tapped Reima furiously on the shoulder.

“Your reckoning will come! Your precious wheel will be destroyed!” they preached, while slightly more sensible people tried to drag him away from a now drunk and furious Reima. It was too late though, he’d already grabbed his sword and chopped the bastard in two.

“That’ll teach him!” Reima smiled. But he suddenly felt woozy. Maybe that ninth beer was one too many. Being a sensible king of the Demoknights, Reima paid the bartender then stumbled off, before collapsing in the doorway. Two young, also drunk Demoknights hesitantly stood nearby, one of which was holding a newspaper, containing the week’s new patchnotes.

“You want to tell him about the Tide Turner nerf?” one of them squeaked.

“No… He’ll kill us…”