Why you shouldn’t ship Medic with Mercy

The hype on Overwatch has somewhat calmed down a bit, but shipping people with one another never, ever stops. Especially when there’s lots of female booty waiting to be made into pornographic artwork. Seriously, there’s always porn. And pictures of hugs and cuddles and confused space-and-time traveling moments. If there’s two characters with somewhat similar personalities, abilities, looks, well, anything, there’s a picture of them cuddling up.

With TF2 and Overwatch, there’s a few candidates for such parings. Widowmaker and Sniper, Zarya and Heavy and of course, Mercy and Medic. You could probably pair Symmetra with Engineer and Pharah with Soldier, if you so desired. Heck, it’s video games, anything goes. Perverts, the lot of us.

And why not? Look at Mercy. She’s pretty. She plays on the guardian angel theme. She built her own healing stuff. She has wings. She also has a blatant disregard for her own safety by having boob armour, which means a single blow to her chest will really, really hurt. Alright, alright, a lab coat and a shirt and tie aren’t that much better, but I don’t see much point in flaunting your tits in the middle of combat. Why do you think Miss Pauling is so petite? Strategy and tactics, my friends. Doesn’t stop these other female mercenaries running around with armour molded around their breasts.

Mercy also has a bit in common with me. We’re both healers. We’re similar ages. Kinda. She’s 34. I’m, er… 40-something. We’re both from a similar area, I’m German and she’s from Switzerland. I can get a fancy pair of wings every full moon. And we both can fly great distances, although I generally require a good pocket. We’re support-y people, although for completely different reasons.

Maybe we have too much in common. The thing with all these pairings is that no one actually lets us go on a date first. I’m the Medic. I’m a fucking lunatic. I cut people apart for my own morbid curiosity. I like to cause pain. Mercy is supposedly the complete opposite, she wants to heal people and protect them and bring peace. Peace is boring. Okay, it’s not possible for Mercy and I to go on a date, since we exist within two different realms of existence, but still… If we were to actually go out for dinner, she’d storm out in disgust, leaving me with a very expensive bill. Which I don’t mind paying of course, since I am a gentleman at heart, but still, it’d be a disaster. As much as we have in common, we have plenty that separates us. We’re incompatible.

There’s also the case of me simply not being worthy of an angelic, moral person like Mercy. I have a heart, yes, but I also have a habit of stealing hearts. Literally. Let’s face it, I’m old and evil, she’s middle-aged and could probably do better.

And on top of all that, pairing me with Mercy is flat out boring. It’s obvious. And obvious love is tedious and uninteresting. Put some effort into these things. Try something different. There’s 3.5 billion real women and even more non-existent women, so why go straight to the really damn obvious ones?

Oh, also, I’m married.