Ode to the Sandvich

A delectable combo of lettuce and cheese,
Tomatoes, an olive, and fresh bolognas.
There’s no battle ailment you cannot cure
When bestowed by the heavy whose heart is pure.

The Sandvich might be the most famous weapon in Team Fortress 2. Like the Ubersaw, it has eclipsed its stock counterpart and become the unanimously-accepted default weapon of its slot. Outside of gameplay it has appeared as a Comic-Con collectible and as the star of its own Meet the Team video. And the whole team should love it; aside from the Medigun its the best healing weapon in the game, instantly replenishing the health of anyone, fired or foe, that the heavy deems worthy.

But how much health exactly? That question can get a bit murky. If a wounded player picks up a thrown sandvich he’s healed for half of his base hp. If the heavy drops it on death, the sandvich heals only 60, 75 if picked up by a scout. The heavy himself heals fully when he eats it, unless using the Frankenheavy taunt where he heals only 225 hp albeit at the benefit of shaving two seconds off the taunt duration.

That’s not the only question raised by the ham hero, the remedy Rueben, the miracle medianoche, the panacea panini. Why does the strange version only come in festive? Why is the Robo-Sandvich given such special treatment over all other promos?

The sandvich’s fame might honestly be the culprit. God knows a robo-Wrap Assassin wouldn’t be turning many heads. For something given freely to anyone with 10 heavy achievements, the Sandvich can still command the attention of any situation due to being a game changer and a lifesaver. Everyone can remember a time when some good Samaritan saved their life with an unexpected airvich.

Though its uses are varied
I promise you this:
I refuse to eat it
If it’s covered in piss.