G’day! It’s clear that mercenary work here in Skyrim ain’t quite like it is back at home, mates. And after that nasty little crash that invisible flying lizard had in store for me, I ain’t playing around any more. There’s a bunch of vampire mongrels that need killing and I’m just the guy to do it.
So here I am in this horrible cave and would you look at that! It’s damn perfect for sniping.
Look at that view. I’m going to assume that the glowy blue thing is where I have to go. There’s someone behind it but I can’t shoot through the glowing thing, so I have to leave my perch and go down there myself. One of the vampires I executed had a funny looking stone on him, which fits into some pedestal. There is a person the glowy thing, which melts away. Then the bloody bogan attacks me! Vampire girl hits him though and he apologises.
Guess we got lucky, this is the ‘moth priest’ that we’re looking for. He’s quite happy to come with us, since we’re not trying to, I dunno, drink his blood? Eh, seems nice enough. Decide to accompany him back to Fort Dawnguard, since you never know with those blood-sucking wankas lurking about.
I turn in the two quests and while the blacksmith rewards me with gold, this person gives me a ring. I’ll sell it later. She also mentions someone who might be able to help out more. There’s loot involved too, apparently. Just need to convince Isran…
Um. Alright, mate, this guy can’t be that bad. Plus he’s like a priest, and if he’s anything like the Moth Priest was with his sword, he’s probably amazing.
Isran, ya’re making him sound like Medic. Anyway, we decide that now is as good a time as any to read this bloody Elder Scroll. I’m still pretty sure I read about the quack reading one of these before. The other priest guy can wait, this priest guy is gonna make us rich and powerful.
Bah, I was already being quiet, you grumpy old priest. Just read the bloody thing, will ya?
Um, like, I dunno, all them vampires? They seem to fit the bill. Maybe that Harkon guy is what he’s on about.
Strife? Well, everyone’s poor and Irish no-hopers here. And I’ve seen them bloody dragons flying around. Night and day being one? Bloody heck. Tell us more, priest guy.
This green ugly wanka decides to walk straight through us, ruining the moment. Dexion though says we need two more scrolls. One about some dragons and one about I dunno, something else. Wait a minute, I have a dragon one on me! Great! Less walking, closer to payday.
He’s gone blind.
Everyone kinda pities him briefly before wandering off. And they said I was cold-hearted. The little vampire girl comes along and says she has an idea where this last scroll is. Her mum has it. That’s handy.
I thought she’d disappeared though. Damn you blood-sucking wankas and your cryptic bollocks. No, Serana, you wait here. I have a priest to save.
Stay… Good vampire.
If this priest is anything like the other guy, I decide to bring two of the other Dawnguard kids with me. Not the blood-sucker. I ain’t taking the chance that this priest will go blind or get attacked by vampires or something.
This place looks normal. It’s a mine. Nothing special. Been on Dustbowl long enough to know that. There’s a journal but I accidentally blow it off a cliff while dealing with Big Foot.
Yep, just a mine. Hey, I notice that uniform! Looks like that guy from last time. The one who ran head first into a cave full of vampires because his team of mercs had been killed by vampires. What were those wankas called? Vigilants! Of Stendarr or something. I wonder if he’ll give us a hand…
Nope, bloody wanka attacks me. Everyone’s so damn hostile around here. They also have booby traps. Nearly set myself on fire. I ain’t Pyro, matey!
Fire really ain’t a good idea down here. I’m thankful the place didn’t blow up. That normally happens when me and the rest of the team are around. The two Dawnguard lads are keeping up no problem.
These mongrels are heartless. And careless. They set their damn dogs on us.
Felt bad killing those pups, but they didn’t want to stop. That and one of the Dawnguard lads really wanted to kill them. We walk on and it turns out this place is absolutely huge and filled with magic invisible walls that stop arrows and bullets flying through them.
I mean, come on! Just look at this bollocks!
Clearly that should have passed by harmlessly then harmfully killed the Vigilant standing around trying to kill my two Dawnguard mates.
Yeah, they’re fine. Pretty sure that Agmaer shot Celann with a crossbow, but neither of them seem to mind. Wankas have a habit of getting in the way of my bloody arrows though.
Oh hey, a giant door…
For a giant door, ya’d think there’d be more to it. Just a bunch of Vigilants then the bitch that kept them all under her mind control. There’s a bunch of journals scattered around and they’re actually somewhat worrying. BLU would have fired the guy in charge.
We reach this big place and there’s already a fight going on. I shoot one of them in the face, then another. The Dawnguard lads finish off the last one. Beat him to death with warhammers. Nasty.
Ah, the priest I’m looking for, kept in a rather handy cage. I free him.
Who’s Arkay? Nah, I got sent here by bored troll-trainer and dwarven fan-girl. I tell him what’s up and he’s all like “Isran’s a bastard, never gave me any respect.” I understand ya, mate, but, you know, vampires?
I don’t think I manage to convince the guy, but something does. Perhaps Arkay is like Merasmus or something.
Dude finally agrees. I get the two Dawnguard lads to accompany him back to the fortress, since he’s wearing fuck all. Then I dart after them because I need to meet with that stupid whiny prissy little vampire bitch and she’s at Fort Dawnguard too.
I get there a bit late and Florentius is all dressed up in armour. He’s got a bunch of spells to give me. Seems like a good mate. Bet he’d be a way better companion than prissy vampire lady.
I like you.
And now back to whatever Serana wanted to do.
Oh great, we have to go back to that stupid bloody castle. Serana leads me through a bunch of piss easy secret back paths until we reach a garden.
I dunno, girl, looks pretty neat to me. Bet those shiny things on the… Did you just call that a moon dial? Well, lady, that’s fucking stupid. A sun dial ain’t much better, have ya seen the weather here in Skyrim? Always bloody cloudy.
I try to pry off the shiny moon crests but it ain’t working. Bet they’re worth a pretty penny, so imagine my surprise when I find this one hidden over here. I find a bunch of them.
Serana is still going on about the bloody garden. I ain’t listening any more. While she yammers on about things, I realise the crests go on the moon dial and reluctantly put them in place. Would ya look at that, the damn thing opens up!
It leads to a place inside the castle. Duh. Secret as well. Vampire girl is clueless so I’m running around killing fricking gargoyles. Not the cool ones like in that TV show back at home, stupid screeching ones. Serana’s useless.
I level up, but I don’t know what to spend it on. Archery probably.
Now that’s damn right embarrassing. Wouldn’t have wanted to be in that bed.
I think we’re getting there. There’s a big room full of pissed off gargoyles, and eh, that’s it. I loot everything that ain’t nailed down and shrug. There’s gotta be… Hang on, I see a random candle stick.
Aha! Secret passageway!
Interesting. Looks like something Medic would live in. I bet vampire girl’s mum sacrifices people in that circle or something.
Buncha books over here. Dunno why I’m looking, just curious.
I swear everyone has a copy of this bloody book. Should give it a read one day. Or give it to Spy for Smissmas. He’d roll his eyes so damn hard.
Serana suggests I look for her mum’s book, just as I spot it on a shelf.
Okay… So those fancy gems, you can put people in them and give them to some random god people in exchange for power, and vampire girl’s mother has gone to hang out with them and now we need to create a portal to follow her?
Anyone else confused?
I put the stuff in, Serana mixes in her blood, the floor opens, I look at the portal, try to walk in and nearly die. And you know what that wankin’ vampire does? Shoulda been a gentleman and let her go first.
Yes that was bloody painful, you mongrel.
You know, girl, ya could have told me this BEFORE I went in. And now you’re telling me that I can either give these bastards a piece of my soul or become a vampire like her? I’m not a fan of stupid soul contracts. Had plenty of them go wrong. Stupid Merasmus. So maybe I’ll be a vampire temporarily…
Hang on. Got a message here from Medic.
It says “Do not become a vampire. Falion is alright but he’s bad at actually curing illnesses. Dummkopf has a habit of not curing your vampirism.”
Guess I’ll go for plan B then.
Hopefully I can get the rest of my soul back later. Into the portal I go!
Well, ain’t this a depressing piss-hole.