You know what’s bloody depressing? A purple, agony-filled hell-hole. But that’s where I currently am, after the events from last time round. I gotta go and find bitchy vampire girl’s mummy in this nasty place.
Alright, let’s get this over with.
Huh, this place is creepy. And purple. I suppose it’s as good a place as any to hide from some crazy vampire guy.
There are weird glowing things dotted around the landscape, but I have no idea what any of them do.
Jumped into one, nothing happened. Like, at all. They just look pretty.
There’s a bunch of random ‘souls’ wandering around. Considering that people (according to vampire lady) abuse soul gems all the time, you’d think there’d be more souls here? Nah. This place is probably just some sorta fake.
This guy though is really good at acting.
Arvak? Huh. If he’s a horse, maybe he can help me get around this place.
I did actually see a horse further on. Think it was the bloody thing.
It was over there, I swear!
But of course, I’m too slow to grab a picture.
Anyway, after much walking, we find vampire girl’s mummy. And she’s worse than her bloody kid. I try to put an arrow through her head, but there’s a big stupid shield in the way, like the crap Medic makes.
Girl, your acting sucks. This Valerica just rants on about how I’m a bad role model. I’m an assassin. A mercenary. A professional. Not some bloody babysitter. Look after your own damn kid.
The pair of them have a massive argument while I twiddle my thumbs. Blah blah blah. Can we get moving now please?
Finally, Valerica tells us what to do. Gotta kill three bad guys. Got it.
While I’m walking and Serana decides to play Heavy and take all the damage, we stumble across this. It was defended by a bunch of ‘mistmen’. Half-skeletons with ghost bottoms? Bah. Vampire girl is kneeling on the ground and I finish them off and find a skull…
Which I give to the guy who asked for it earlier. Dunno why he didn’t come get it himself. Lazy.
Still, he’s the only guy who appreciates me, and he gave me a magic power so I can summon the horse and get around here a bit quicker. Thank heavens.
Guess I’m walking.
I also bump into this guy, but the wanka is naked and ignoring me, so I ignore him.
With two of the keepers down after a ton of walking, me and vampire girl close in on the last one. Things would have been fine, but Serana suddenly came under the impression that she’d just downed a can of Bonk! Atomic Punch and charged in like the mongrel that she is.
Things, um, got a bit hot and Pyro-y.
You have no idea how many potions I guzzled down. My Cozy Camper don’t do squat here, so my health doesn’t regenerate or anything.
Alright, three keepers dead, one barrier destroyed and Valerica is happy. She says I can have the Elder Scroll, but to keep my eyes open for a dragon called Durnehviir.
There’s dragons here?
We enter a Boneyard and yes, there is indeed a bloody dragon here.
Well, that was not fun. Bastard decided to even the odds a little too much and created a buncha stupid skeletons. I didn’t get to absorb his soul though.
Alright! We got this last Elder Scroll. Kinda strange having three of these bloody powerful things on me.
Valerica doesn’t wish to come with us. Damn good thing, having Serana around is a pain.
And off we go, back to somewhere way nicer than…
Gah, not you again!
Ain’t in a good position here. I draw my bow and…
No idea what a Qahnaarin is. Is this a trick? This dragon could probably disintegrate me right here, so I use my noggin’ and listen to the rotting… thing.
Ya know, mate, you aren’t too bad yourself. A bit rotten and falling-apart-y, and those skeletons of yours are bloody annoying, but not bad.
I, um, already knew that, mate, but thanks for the kind words. Turns out, he’s one of those guys with a perfect track record and I just broke it. He’s so impressed he wants me to help him with something.
Oh. Yeah, sure, mate. You seem nice enough. Better than vampire girl here.
I need to get some dragoon souls though. Running out a bit.
Ah, turns out the poor guy got fucked over. Bad trade. Scammed. I can get that. Ya know what? I WILL summon you in ‘Tamriel’, right when I get back to reality and find a space big enough to do so.
Serana follows me on the long trek back to the magic staircase of doom, and we exit out on a really handy balcony. Cool, I can come back here later, kill Valerica and free Durnehviir or something.
Serana asks me about my parents. I… I don’t want to answer that. It’s complicated as heck. I miss what turned out t’be my foster parents though. Dad approved of my job in the end…
Anyway! I got three magic gold things and we need to get them to that priest so he can read them! Just gotta stop off in Whiterun so I can put all this stuff in a chest in Medic’s stuffy old house. There’s a lady in there just sitting around, but she ain’t happy to see me.
Off to the giant castle!
Are you kidding me?
You bloody fruit shop owner!
That’s, uh… Um… Sorry.
So basically we’re fucked, right?
Serana, move out the way.
You were saying? A ritual? Huh.
Involving moths? At least it ain’t spiders, I guess. So I just go to this place near Falkreath, get a bunch of moths and read the scrolls? Sounds simple enough, mate.
I ain’t been to Falkreath yet, so I decide to go to Helgen and start from there…
Wait I forgot about my new dragon friend!
That sounds like a very cool ability. And good thing I called you, there’s a ton of bandits here.
Cool action shot. This guy’s way more useful than vampire girl.
Durnehviir is very happy to see me. Love them horns, mate.
After the battle in Helgen, I decide to take a shortcut. There’s a little cave south of Helgen that leads to a dragon nest thing.
We kill the dragon, I learn a word, ‘animal’, dunno what shout it’s for. Durnehviir says it’s for Animal Allegiance, so I can call an animal to assist me if I need it. Why would I though when I’m mates with an undead wyvern?
Could do with that soul though.
Anyway here’s a map. Using nothing but Become Ethereal and some good ol’ crouch-jumping, I scale the mountain and get to this glade place.
Saves me going to Falkreath, right?
Anyway, there’s a chest outside that I ‘borrow’ from. The owner is dead, he won’t need it. Inside is, well, stuff.
Vampire girl, have pity on the poor blind guy who only came here to study scrolls and got kidnapped and mind-controlled by vampires. Ya little mongrel.
Stupid thing eats her own words literally two seconds later. This place is amazing. Way better than the Soul Cairn.
Okay, let’s get this in order.
Cut stuff off tree with free knife.
Stand in beam of light.
Here goes nothing. Hope this works.
This is freaky. Like inhaling whatever it is Pyro likes to smoke.
Ooer. Gotta blink a few times. That’s gone messed with my brain. But I know were we’re going now.
Serana asks if I’m fine.
And just in time too, I spot a buncha wankas trying to sneak in on us, but between my arrows and Serana’s weird red stuff, we kill the lotta them.
We head outside. It’s dark and gloomy. I check my map. Amazingly enough, that magic scroll has marked exactly where we need to go. The arse-end of this cold place. Still better than the Soul Cairn.
Time to get walking. We’re going to find some legendary loot, and I’m finally gonna get paid.
Although I do have a little feeling in my head that this is going to be a looooong trip.