Well, my fellow mercs, I didn’t think we’d get this far. Last time round, I fought a vampire to get a shiny bow. Serana complained it wasn’t very shiny, but she’s a whinging brat. Anyway, my legs are knackered. I had to stop by in Medic’s place and dump all the loot I had stol- um, liberated from that snow elf church, and Serana and I are back at Fort Dawnguard to rally the troops and all that crap.
It’s a pretty big place. Like Demo’s place but way nicer. Sorry Tavish.
Isran, the guy who hired me, is standing around waiting for me. I wonder if the lazy wanka does anything but stand around?
Yes, yes I have. But ya know mate, this Huntsman has got me through a lotta tough times. I’ll be using it right until I’m forced to use a shiny bow that I’ve barely used before.
I trust her alright. Bitch won’t stop going on about taking the fight to her daddy. Not the best way to sort out your daddy issues though. She should probably see a specialist or something. But don’t speak to Medic about it. God knows what that quack would do. Trust me on this.
Oh, sorry, I was ranting, you were saying, Isran?
I can see them all eating behind you. Why don’t you let them finish their meal first. My mercenary work’s given me a ton of experience on this, mate, and you don’t want your boys fighting on an empty stomach.
While we wait for everyone to stop eating, here’s a picture of my weapon inventory. Ya know what? I think Serana was right, Auriel’s Bow could be a lot shinier. Then again it’s been sitting in a dungeon for ages.
Everyone’s here and Isran gives a stirring speech. The blind monk wanders through accidentally. Don’t blame him. Poor guy is blind after all.
Everyone half-heartedly cheers and claps and starts shouting about killing vampires. I’m more thinking about getting all this over with and getting paid, but oh well.
While all the other Dawnguard guys grab their stuff, Isran pulls a hammer from his arse and runs out on his own. Sometimes I wonder how everyone on this stupid continent isn’t dead yet. I’ll see him there at the island.
Alright, after a nice long trek (pausing only to pick up more arrows), we’re on the beach. Soldier would be so proud of us right now. Well, me, these wankers ain’t done shit yet. I take a moment to ask that everyone’s ready and all that gubbings.
Bloody hell mate, we have a god on our side here! (And yet more of a reason to love Florentius!) I got a good feeling about this. I got such a good feeling about this that I’m gonna turn me video camera on!
Yep, rather than go on and describe everything with pictures, I’m gonna do what Medic should have done and described everything with MOVING pictures!
Alright. Spoiler alert: Harkon is dead. Bloody fruit shop owner kinda did what I expected him to, exploding and all that. Kinda miffed that Isran didn’t even bother to help me, just sat outside and waited. Then he comes in and gives me some sort of monologue about how great I am.
But wait! What about payment? Isran! You said you’d pay me for doing all this!
D-did you just fucking walk out on me?
Bloody hell. That wanka just walked out on me. No hint of payment or nothing. No, that armoured fuzzball doesn’t count!
The armoured troll don’t give two shits about me. Ain’t anything in that chest either. Which is really weird, I kinda thought there would be.
You know what? Fuck Isran and the Dawnguard, I’m gonna loot this place. Steal everything that ain’t nailed down, starting with the blood splat that was Harkon. Sadly though most of his stuff is ugly crap that only works on vampires, which reminds me to chug down a potion of Cure Disease. Just in case. This place stinks.
Good job too, these weirdos have display cabinets filled with human hearts. That’s creepy. That’s Medic territory.
Alright, completely cleared this place out. Got a good 500 gold out of various places, and I found a bunch of expensive weapons and gems and stuff too. Pretty sure I can flog them to that dragon on the mountain so I can get back home.
Shame about the place. It’d look way nicer if those vampires didn’t leave dead bodies everywhere. Very unprofessional.
I step outside and realise how empty everything is. So I summon the wyvern I spoke to earlier, who is pleased to see me. He thanks me, then gets up and circles around, roaring happily.
It’s pretty cold now. Everyone’s kinda gone back to the fort to party their arses off. Except for Isran, who’s probably plotting to take down another castle full of vampires. Yeah, I got a ton of gold and loot, like I originally wanted, but I kinda feel a bit, I dunno, empty.
At least Serana’s got a new person to annoy.
I stand around for a bit, wondering what to do next. Killing vampires is kinda boring now. Don’t fancy fighting any flying lizards. And I certainly ain’t in the mood to go to some stupid island because some cultists attacked me. Maybe I’ll go meet up with Medic and grab a ‘mead’ or something.
I guess Dawnguard Snipin’ was a good job after all.
Thank you for reading, everyone! Let me know in the comments or on SPUF or whatever if you’d like to see a third Skyrim/TF2 series!