Dawnguard Snipin’ – Part 6

You know what mate? I’m getting kinda tired of walking. When Medic got back from Skyrim, he told me that there was tons of walking, but it was actually eventful. This is all just tedious! I spent all of last time walking, hope this time perks up.

So after killing those two winged bastards, things start to get a bit tight and valley-y. I ain’t got a clue who you get onto those bridges up there (or even how they were built, these ugly Falmer aren’t exactly smart), but eventually we get to a place called Glacial Crevice. We head in and it’s not really a crevice.

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There’s high up bridges everywhere. The only way around is up. I bet ya there’s some secret path if we follow the river, but Serana ain’t in a mood to get wet. Damn broad whines enough as it is.

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These Falmer ain’t exactly great with the placement of their booby traps. I’ve seen drunk Demomen with better sticky bomb placements than this! And ya wouldn’t believe how many of these traps there are. I just jump over the bloody things, piece of piss.

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Stupid little vampire girl though walks straight through them, then crawls around asking if I’ve got any spare healing potions. I already gave the bint six of the bloody things either, who does she think I am, some sort of doctor? Told me parents I wasn’t into healing people.

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We get higher and higher. Turns out there WAS a secret underwater path. I’m furious with Serana, but she ain’t in the mood to care, she just walks through three more obvious traps. We pick off the few Falmer we see along the way.

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Because I’m bloody pissed off, I take Serana swimming anyway and we find a treasure chest full of loot. Well, 300 gold coins, but that’s a good haul. Still, it’s a long, boring trip back up. You can see how far down we are.

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These guys don’t seem to have houses, just scary sleeping arrangements. That tent ain’t even practical, the second it rains, ya’re gonna notice it. Then again, there ain’t anyone living here. Guess they couldn’t sleep.

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Yeah, we’re really damn high now.

But then suddenly we’re outside again. I guess we could have climbed the cliff instead. Probably would have been easier than fighting hordes of blind elf things.

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These places are pretty big, I wonder where they got the resources to build them. They can’t have all come from those fugly Chaurus pets of theirs.

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Yet another damn tunnel, with yet another bloody trap, that yet again bloody Serana walks straight into. This time she nearly gets us both killed in a rock slide. Really wish I’d left her inside that stone tomb thing, she’s clearly too much of a moron to survive in the real world.

At least we’re coming towards an exit. Wait…

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Is that what I think it is?

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Are you the last wanka I need to see to fill up this damn ewer I’d nearly forgotten about?

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YES! YES HE IS!

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We fill up the stupid ewer and these portals all open up. I guess I’ll use them to get home later. I hope I can leave Serana here.

With the pitcher filled, I look into the distance. There’s a giant temple ahead, shrouded in mist, being ruined by the ugly Falmer fences.

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Wow, this place is big. I think there’s more walking ahead of us.

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Serana though starts getting weird. Bloody bimbo starts rolling around on the floor and complaining that the sun’s too bright.

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So it’s a temple to some stupid sun god, you’d think it’d be brighter or something. Still, this statue’s pretty neat.

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Alright, time to unlock this door and go in and kill whoever we’re supposed to be killing. I don’t honestly remember his name, but I was offered a bow fit for the gods, so whatever.

I pour the water from the ewer into the little sink. It floods out into the little drains in the ground. Might as well just make the sink a hole in the ground instead.

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Okay, it’s slowly filling up the little sun emblem.

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Huh, neat. Glowing green thing. Maybe there’s UFOs here or something.

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After some more light and the sun emblem on the door spinning, the door finally opens.

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So we head inside.

Hm, ya know, I think this MIGHT be a trap.

Especially since these guys are holding things that a mercenary like me would see as potential loot.

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I’ll just sneak away and…

… Kill a frost giant? I didn’t wanna hurt it, but Serana insisted on getting on its nerves and once it had beaten her into the ground, it turned its attention to me. Sorry bud.

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We leave there (taking some nice loot with us), and continue onwards.

There’s a lot of dead people around here. I got no idea what these guys were doing. Kinda spooky if you’re some kinda coward.

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Yeah uh I ain’t got a clue what’s going on here. Just loads of corpses. Must have died in a different natural disaster, considering that the frozen statues from before have a nasty habit of coming to life, then shattering. Guess Merasmus’s cousin did it.

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Yep, more skeletons. I’m getting sick of all of this. We there yet?

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I think we are, we’ve come across one of those points of no return that Medic went on warning me about. I mean I could probably climb out if I really tried, but we’ve come this far, might as well get this over with.

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There I was, thinking I was being clever, this wanka has a fricking magic shield around him! What a bastard.

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Wait, you predicted me coming here? How? I’ve only been here for like a week. As far as you and your frozen bastard minions are concerned, I don’t even exist, mate!

Of course, me and my smart mouth, he starts throwing frozen bastards at me. Lots of them.

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Ain’t exactly going well here. The frozen guys I can handle (better than Serana at least) but this wanka is bringing the ceiling down on our heads and throwing things at us. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll make it out of here.

Then suddenly this Arch-Curate makes the roof explode. Pretty sure he was just supposed to blow the bloody doors off so he could escape or something.

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HEY YOU LITTLE BITCH, DON’T YOU DARE LEAVE ME ON THE GROUND! Bloody hell, I ache all over.

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Oh NOW you remember I exist? Thanks, princess.

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Serana, why ya talking to him? You know we’re gonna have to pry it from his cold, dead hands.

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Serana glances at me. I think she thinks I should be surprised. Vyrthur is injured though. We should just kill him right here. Why are you still talking to him?

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Woah, mate. You basically made up a prophecy in which you get revenge on a god by blotting out the sun, while only having a minuscule chance that some guy from another universe would accidentally come here and bring a vampire with him, despite the fact that you don’t have any arrows on you?

That ain’t just crazy, that’s Pyro-level crazy.

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Throw him off the edge Serana!

Wait, what, you put him down?

Sigh, I’ll do this myself, bloody wanka. Vyrthur does a lot of damage to me in one, but he can’t dodge worth shit. Somehow the bastard takes three arrows to the head before dying.

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Because I’m so bloody pissed off, I’m gonna take all your stuff. Because fuck you.

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HANG ON. YOU HAD POTIONS OF CURE DISEASE ON YOU? YOU KNOW YOU CAN USE THOSE TO CURE VAMPIRISM BEFORE IT BECOMES FULL BLOWN VAMPIRISM, RIGHT?

Bloody hell. This wanka put us through all this stupid walking elder scroll prophecy shit, instead of taking a fricking potion after he got bitten by a vampire a few thousand years ago?

(Also yes I never got around to renaming my character. Sue me.)

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You took your damn sweet time. Where the hell have ya been, mate?

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Suppose I’d better tell him the truth. He ain’t gonna be too happy to know that he’s the last of his kind. He thanks me though.

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Sunhallowed arrows sound pretty awesome. Gelebor stands to one side, and behind him, the magical bow of rainbows and awesomeness appears.

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Huh.

Ya know, I expected it to look better. I mean, it’s pretty neat, but I dunno, I like my Huntsman. I grab it and decide to ask Gelebor about it.

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Who’s Lorkhan? None of this makes sense. Why is it not shiny? And what about that dumb prophecy?

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Well I coulda worked that out, mate. What does it do though? I doubt anyone could fire an arrow into the actual sun anyway. Trust me, I tried it as a kid. Ended up accidentally killing some unlucky kangaroo a few hundred miles away.

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After getting as many fancy Sunhallowed arrows as I can from Gelebor, I decide to speak to Serana.

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ABOUT FUCKING TIME!

Read Part 5 – Read Part 7, the conclusion!

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