Don’t tell Sniper, but while he’s been busy killing vampires, I’ve been sneaking around Skyrim collecting things, which makes a nice change from saving the place. You see, I’ve recently found two things: the first being UESP.net, which has so much really good information on all the Elder Scrolls games. The second thing I found was some guy drinking in the Bannered Mare in Whiterun. This guy, turns out, is the start of a so-called daedric quest. So here I am, on a bonus little two-part adventure.
A quick note before we start. I WAS going to do the Dark Brotherhood quest line. It is probably the best and least glitchy of all the quest lines, plus everyone apart from Astrid and her doggy husband are really nice. I recommend it. If you haven’t played all of Skyrim, heads up, there’s spoilers ahead. Lots of them. Go buy Skyrim. It’s great.
We start this adventure after finishing the Dark Brotherhood quest. We’re outside Dawnstar, about to head back to Whiterun. My inventory is full and I’ve got 10,000 gold to pay off my mounting bounties. I’ll be honest, my last few trips to Solitude have been… messy… Oh no…
First bleeding obvious spoiler, I didn’t kill Cicero. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. He’s like me, a complete and utter lunatic. Great minds and all that. Plus, Astrid treated him like shit. You stand around insulting anyone’s job and their beloved deity and of course they’re going to get pissed off. Plus he felt bad about Veezara. Out of guilt and/or loneliness, I allow him to follow me.
Once I dump my stuff in my chest in Breezehome (don’t trust leaving it with Nazir and Babette), I head to the inn for a drink. There’s a nice guy I haven’t seen before. Goes by the name Sam.
Drinking contest? Sure. Alright, I have nothing on Demoman’s drinking prowess, but I can definitely take my drink.
That was easy…
Except it wasn’t. Because I’m drunk, I fail to capture any screenshots. But basically I manage to talk my way all the way though the entire quest line. The people in Dibella’s temple? Bribed. The man and his goat? Intimidated. The merchant in Whiterun? Persuaded. I suppose it could be worse, I spoke to the actual Dragonborn, some lizard girl called Phovos, and she said she just persuaded everyone, first try.
Finally I’m directed to a temple full of mages who all end up filled with syringes. A magic portal appears and…
Huh. Weird. I walk along the clearly obvious little path, following the lights. At the end of it is a bunch of guys who are supposed to look very merry but actually look rather bored. Sam’s here as well.
Huh, so it turns out this Sam guy is actually some sort of demon thing? Meh, I’ve seen worse. But he’s happy with me and says I can keep the staff. I thought I already had the staff? I must still be drunk.
Sanguine congratulates me on my efforts and decides to send me back home.
I appear right where it all started, in the Bannered Mare in Whiterun, only this time with 100 less gold and one pretty neat looking staff with a flower on it. No one at all is surprised by my sudden appearance. That corpse is still in the back room.
Having given myself a taste for daedric stuff, I then ask around and find the most horrible daedra I can find. The answer? Molag Bal apparently. He’s the person behind the crap that went on in the second era, apparently.
I get a carriage ride to Markarth. Dislike the place. Only recently found out you can get rides to cities you haven’t discovered yet. From a quick stop at the library in the College of Winterhold (which they let me use despite not being a member) I find out that he’s the lord of domination and other nasty things, and he has a shrine in Markarth, apparently. So when I get there and find a Vigilant of Stendarr at the door of a house, I know I’m at the right place.
“And so forth.” Cicero and I happily follow the guy inside, but it all quickly goes pear-shaped. Things fly around like a horror movie and the Vigilant freaks out. Cicero couldn’t care less, he starts dancing as the Vigilant attacks us.
Tyranus quickly drops dead from a stab wound to the face and the voice beckons the pair of us to claim a prize.
Turns out there’s a cave in the back. Somewhat dug out of the place. Pretty old too, not really matching the Dwemer architecture of the rest of the house. And of course I find an alter.
Come on, I’m not stupid. That’s clearly some sort of alter. Stand on the circle and you die or some bollocks like that. As Cicero got the killing blow, I suggest that he takes the mace but he refuses.
Okay, I’ll reach round the back and nab it that wa-
Fuck you, cheating game, teleporting me into the cage. Molag Bal starts going on and on about how the weak are weak and the strong are strong and loads of bollocks like that. Then he tells me a bunch of stuff and I roll my eyes. For a lord of domination, why does he need me doing this crap?
And you want me to bring him here to convert him. BORING. But I want that mace, so eh, whatever.
Also, gee, thanks for the help, Cicero. You did fuck all while I was in that cage. Was a stupid cage anyway, probably could have escaped from it with ease.
Okay, so this guy was captured by Forsworn. I trek up north and fight a dragon, only to come across a shitty camp site full of guys in badly made fur armour.
That bastard dragon didn’t give me his soul. Anyway, we head into the cave, I pull someone’s heart out from a hole in their back, only to find it’s not a heart at all and we follow a goat around.
So this guy is a worshiper of Boethiah. Think I’ve mentioned this before but Βοήθεια (voh-EE-thiah, written Voethiah) means help in Greek. Clearly this guy needs MY help rather than this Boethiah’s help.
There was literally one guy standing with his back turned guarding this OPEN CAGE. These Forsworn are dummkopfe of the highest order. Anyway, I untie him (he couldn’t use the three daggers left on the floor from the Forsworn?) and follow him back to Markarth…
Where Molag Bal does this again. This grumpy old man won’t change his mind so Molag Bal asks me to bash his head in with a mace he gives me. Except I do fuck all and Cicero does the hard work.
Okay, he’s given up, he’s wobbling back to his…
Oh come on.
Molag Bal, you are a fucking disappointment.
Either way, I kill him and the mace goes all silver, black and green. What’s that, 2 out of 15 needed for the achievement? Think so. I give the mace to Cicero to look after, along with the staff.
With Molag Bal satisfied, I head to Falkreath for some fresh air. Like Markarth, Falkreath is home to two daedric quests – one for Clavicus Vile and one for Hircine, according to my handy books stolen from Winterhold.
Firstly I speak to Lod about a dog. Then I spent ten minutes running around looking for the keep’s prison, after hearing rumours about a girl killed by a werewolf.
Here he is. Looks cold in there. They’ll probably execute hi- wait did he just give me a ring? And it was night time outside? Oh dear.
Okay… So after the werewolf gives me that ring, gets all doggy then climbs out of the cell and ESCAPES (wow what a crap jail cell), I head off outside, where I meet with Barbas the talking dog.
I’m not surprised, just checking to make sure my brain is still working. This mutt actually leads me right to the stag that Sinding asked me to kill. I kill the stag and Hircine tells me to go kill the werewolf, completely unaware that I’m busy doing a quest for some other daedra.
We run through the remains of Helgen before reaching a den full of vampires. Clearly Sniper hasn’t got here yet.
Apparently I granted the wish of those vampires wanting to be cured by killing them. Probably what I would have done anyway, strange god-like being or not.
Wow, Clavicus, you’re shit at this wish-giving thing. In the end, he agrees, only if I bring him an axe from half-way across Skyrim, all the way past Solitude. Easy task. The guy is a conjurer, but Cicero and I tear him to pieces. Along with a ‘Dremora’. Cicero is actually using the Daedric stuff I gave him.
Alright, I’m on my way back to see Clavicus and kill Sinding…
Hang on, this looks intriguing.
Those two other Daedra can wait. This looks fun. And she promises cool stuff.