I Hate cp_egypt_final

*Long aspirated sigh of pain, suffering and disgust…*

I can’t think of one match I’ve played on this map where I had fun as either team. As BLU, you get spammed by an endless barrage of rockets and stickybombs all match simply trying to leave your spawn or reach the point while being funneled through narrow chokepoints. As RED, you’re practically indestructible and simply demolish the enemy team over and over with ease. If BLU somehow even manage to catch the scent of the control point, just detonate stickies or spam the centre. Almost all the capture points on this map are horrible, little boxes which make splash damage even more effective than it already is. Because apparently it wasn’t annoying enough.

Flanking only gets you so far.

The only way I know what’s beyond the first point is by having played against bad RED teams. Any half decent one can hold you at bay for the entirety of the match. Even then what lies in the future is no better than before. Sure, you CAN take the very narrow, easy to spam flank routes. But even if you manage that and mop up a few oblivious fourth Engineer/Sniper/Spys, all you did was delay stepping onto another control point shaped death trap. The moment you turn your attention to the objective, all they need to do is sit back next to their spawn and pepper the point with explosives or expand their sentry nests from the safety of another protective wall. Like the first point.

I hate this but there’s worse… Far worse.

The next section is full of more uphill combat in which RED can deal so much damage to you on the way to the point, you question why you even bothered. Even at the top, you’re greeted not only by the laughing hyenas but another boxy control point to get massacred in by a single lucky crit rocket. Or just stickies pumped in over and over while the demo is sat next to a dispenser. Winning it is basically a case of Planetside 2. AKA lob bodies at it as fast as possible and eventually, (if the enemy team is bad, I’ll remind you) one soon-to-be corpse will remain alive long enough to tip the point in your favour. It’s another head-on charge where the entirety of REDs fury screams down a narrow corridor straight at the point. Fun.

This isn’t fun or cathartic as RED either.

To be honest, the next two points are fought on more level ground and actually aren’t the devil reincarnated. Not “fun”, but not awful either… But if you thought that was as bad as it got though… Hahaha! Oooooh, innocent, naive, child. You’re wrong. For the last point IS the devil reincarnated in the form of a Team Fortress 2 control point, seething with evil and hatred for the BLU attackers. It dwells at the bottom of the map, having been birthed from the deepest depths of Hell, lying in wait to soak in the blood of its victims, endlessly and instinctively drawn to its beautiful red glow that emanates from its very core… BEHOLD!

I… I HA- NO! No… I DESPISE this point.

This. One. Point. It’s the source of all of the evil that weaves, burrows and latches on to the rest of the map, poisoning the very earth it resides in! It’s a killing floor that the BLU team must fight to just for the privelege of being slaughtered mere moments later. Like fish in a barrel, a barrage of hellfire is rained upon them from the battlements. The pit serves as a perfect area to ensnare the BLU team. It’s cramped, you can’t jump back out, there’s no escape from their fate. It’s the epitome of a spamfest. A demonic pact between the RED team and the underworld. Hell gets new souls to condemn to damnation for all eternity and RED gets frequent, easy, multikills. Well… Probably…

…And that’s why I hate cp_egypt_final.


P.S. – Bill sums up my feelings for this map pretty well! Quotes below!

“Even being in a war doesn’t prepare you for this, they never stop! They come atcha, and come atcha and they NEVER, GODDAMN STOP!”

“They’re zombies, Francis! We’re fighting a war of attrition with a horde of, brainless killing machines, I ain’t exactly optimistic about our chances!”
A Week of Love and Hate 3


Don't worry... My articles are worse than my bite.

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