Smeghead’s Meatballs

You know I mentioned that bechamel sauce when I introduced SPUFood? Well there’s some meatballs to go with ’em. Definitely makes over 18 meatballs, but this varies depending on how big you make them. That’s about one meal for Smeghead.

A Random Meatball Recipe by Smeghead

750g ground pork mince
1 egg
100g cheese
1 small onion
1 small, red horn pepper
Salt, pepper, garlic powder, paprika
1 tablespoon sweet chili sauce
1 tablespoon ketchup
1 teaspoon dark soy sauce (optional)
1 teaspoon siracha sauce (optional)
Breadcrumbs

Chop the onion and pepper as small as you can, but don’t grate or blend it, because that makes it all watery. Throw into a bowl with the spices, seasoning and pork mince, and mix together. Beat the egg briefly and throw that in too. Then add the cheese. Then throw in the sweet chili sauce and the ketchup. Mush it all up with one of your hands, leaving the other hand free to add breadcrumbs if the mixture is too sticky and horrible. You can use a fork to mix the meatball mush together but that’s not as fun.

Get a large oven tray and grease it with some sort of vegetable oil (or use one of those weird spray oil things). I’d recommend against using butter or flour or grease-proof paper because meatballs will release a lot of liquid while being cooked.

Take lumps of meatball mush and separate it out into golf ball-sized lumps and place them on the tray. Don’t worry about putting them too close together, these bastards don’t expand.

Cook in the oven at Gas Mark 6 / 200C / 400F for about 45 minutes. If your meatballs are rather compact or very large, then it might take up to an hour. If you’re unsure, take a meatball out and break it apart to make sure there’s no raw, pink bits inside.

If you don’t have breadcrumbs, you can use flour to make your meatballs less sticky. You can also use crushed cornflakes to bulk your meatballs out, which sounds insane but somehow it works.

If you can’t be asked to make the bechamel sauce mentioned above, then why not try Nommy’s Pink Sauce? Here’s a recipe for this stupidly simple but also rather tasty ‘thousand island dressing’.

Nommy’s Pink Sauce

Ketchup
Mayonnaise
Greek yogurt
Lemon juice
Worcester sauce
Pepper, garlic powder

The key to this recipe is really just to constantly add things until you get it tasting how you want. I like to overdo it with the lemon juice, but that’s just me.

Ideally, you want to go 1 part yogurt, 2 parts ketchup, 3 parts mayonnaise. If you want your sauce to be particularly rich, forgo the yogurt entirely and do it entirely with mayonnaise. As for the other ingredients, start off with a teaspoon of Worcester sauce and a tablespoon of lemon juice, with a pinch of seasoning. You need no salt in this recipe since a lot of the ingredients can be quite salty on their own.

Don’t use salad dressing for this. It comes out horrible.

Anyway, just mix all the ingredients together in a bowl until it all turns pink. Dip meatballs and chips into it and enjoy.

Also rather nice in a chicken and lettuce sandwich, or in a burger.

Did you know I’m contractually obliged to make sure there is at least 500 words in every article I write? No? Well you do now. The contract’s between me and me, and threatens eternal disappointment if I fail. Don’t ask why.

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