Velocipastor

Sometimes, it’s nice watching a b-movie. There are so many movies being made all the time, that you’re bound to miss some. Not all movies though are equal, not just in quality, but in production costs as well. This sort of thinking is how I ended up watching Velocipastor.

Now, I’m not normally a viewer of b-movies, but there was no way we could turn down a movie about a pastor that turns into a dinosaur. We were spurned onwards by what people had also searched. Terms like “is Velocipastor a real movie?” The answer to that question is ‘yes’. Yes, it is a real movie.

Velocipastor is a very low budget movie, but it’s so ludicrous that it’s not a problem. The movie plays to its strengths, which are pretty ridiculous. I mean, it’s a pastor who turns into a dinosaur. Not completely willingly, mind you. It’s a hulk-like transformation and it mainly happens at night. But don’t worry, the Velocipastor only kills bad people. He also eats them.

Honestly, the whole premise is utterly insane, but they went for it. In all its low budget glory. As well as a pastor who turns into a raptor, we have a grumpy senior pastor, a hooker who the Velocipastor saves, and an army of low cost ninjas looking to get a whole community on drugs in order to make them all turn to god in order to get away from said drugs. The hooker is the most normal person in the movie, up until later on in the movie, where she turns into a ninja warrior. There is also a weird side plot relating to siblings, and that argument was probably one of the less stupid parts of the film. Well, it’s either that, the attempted exorcism or the whole backstory of the older pastor. Then again, the older pastor’s backstory is very… abrupt. And stupid.

Like I said, it’s all bonkers. However, all the gruesome dinosaur stuff is kept in the dark, giving the movie some atmosphere, while also attempting to hide the low budget special effects. That is, until the end of the movie.

Seeing the Velocipastor up close and in the daylight though seems… Well, it’s a bit of a let down. It looks like a depressed, humpbacked t-rex. And it kinda doesn’t flow with earlier scenes, where we see just the claws or the jaws. It’s inconsistent and it loses points because of it.

Either way, we laughed all the way through the movie, mostly ignoring the stupidity.

Would I recommend Velocipastor? Yes, but only if you are looking for something stupid to watch. If you are looking for, for example, a good plot or decent visual effects, then you’ll want to look elsewhere.

That being said, Velociraptor is fun, but it actually reminds me of another movie: Kung Fury. Kung Fury also involves dinosaurs, but the production values are way, way better than Velocipastor. Kung Fury is an excellent movie and you can easily find it on Youtube. There is no priest raptor, but we do get the likes of Triceracop, which looks way, way, WAY better than the sorry dinosaur in Velocipastor.

At the end of the day, I can’t really seriously recommend Velocipastor. If you are looking for a dumb, brainless movie to watch, then Velocipastor is fine. Utterly stupid, but fine…