Ya know what, mate? This is gonna be a long trip, I can feel it. Longer than even last time maybe. But now I’ve read those stupid scrolls, we know where we’re going for a change.
As we walk, stupid vampire girl and I stumble across a dragon nest. Been here before, but this time, something was different…
I ain’t got no idea what’s happened here. That’s a dragon. Apparently. I ain’t got a clue, mate.
We back away slowly from that horrible thing and continue walking towards our destination. It’s some cave on the edge of the country. Lots of walking.
These wanka gargoyles decide they want to attack us. Because why not, I assume. No vampires or anything, just two gargoyles.
It’s not much further from here. Serana, the bloody idiot, decides she wants to take on a camp of bandits on her own, but I sneak up off the track to find the entrance of this Darkfall Cave. It really doesn’t look like the place you’d keep a legendary bow. It’ll probably not be as easy as it looks, but oh well.
Alrighty. Just a cave. So far, so good. Bloody dark in here, I need a torch.
Rickety bridge. That totally don’t look safe. We’ll head over quick and…
Fall through the air?
I admit, I screamed. I ain’t made for falling down giant holes.
We luckily land in a giant thing filled with water, which washes us along with a bunch of giant spiders. Serana gets torn apart by them while I do all the work as always. Stupid vampire is useless.
Thank fuck for convenient puddles of water, right, mates?
We follow the river and stumble across a camp. Here of all places? We gotta be at least a good 200m below ground.
Still, they got a bunch of stuff here to steal.
Clearly they all died, Serana. Although the dead person musta died quite recently. Got a letter on the corpse saying they’re studying frost trolls or something? Weird, all I’ve seen are spiders.
There’s three paths here. One going down, one going up and one hidden behind a tent.
I, uh, take the wrong turn. Me ol’trusty sense of direction fails me.
On the plus side, it leads me right back up to where that dodgy bridge was! That’s handy. I’ll wanna get outta here at some point once I get this damn bow that I’ve gotta find for some reason. Ah, the things a merc does for money…
Okay, I get back to the camp and decide to take the hidden route. Clearly it’ll have the most loot or will be easier.
So we walk down the narrow path and it quickly opens out into some sort of old ruin. Ain’t like the ruins I’ve seen before. And there’s some really pale guy standing around.
Let’s head over, shall we?
Oh wow you’re bright.
He tones down the lighting and tells me he’s a Snow Elf. I don’t remember what a Falmer is, so ignore me.
Gelebor starts going on about all sorts of things. I get bored.
Then he goes over to what I assumed was just a random giant tit, clicks his fingers and…
… Bloody hell.
That’s pretty cool.
This Gelebor guy is very helpful now. He says he can give me this magic bow if we kill his brother. Alright, something I’m good at! What’s the catch? Nothing much, just a walk while carrying a jug full of water.
Some sort of religious thing. I gotta get water from these basins, can’t just cheat and go and fill this ‘ewer’ in the river. Really it’s just a super fancy jug. Great.
Serana starts bitching about how this is all stupid. Well, stupid vampire girl, YOU INSISTED ON ACCOMPANYING ME. Bloody mongrel.
That’s right, Gelebor, put the pansy in her place. He also gives us an idea of what’s out there.
Wait, this ain’t gonna be a drag like the Soul Cairn? Great! Although there’s something that’s making me also somewhat regret thinking that.
Alright, here goes…
Huh. Ain’t as bad as I thought. So dark though. I gotta put my bow away and use a torch. The little, I dunno, tube worms, they disappear when I go near them, making it stupidly dark.
Excuse me, mates, just stamping on the head of a gigantic bloody insect that popped out of some cocoon. Stamp stamp stamp!
So, uh, it’s really dark. This is what it looks like when I put my torch away to do some sniping. Not good.
I don’t even wanna know what those glowing things are. But at least they don’t move when I approach them.
This trap though, come on, they think I’m that dumb?
I loot the chest, it’s got fuck all in it. Dunno why those people died. It really ain’t hard to open that chest from a distance.
Further on, there’s just skeletons.
Interesting hat idea right there. Skelly fingers on ya head.
There’s also the occasional giant blue crystal. If the whole team was here, I’d get them to help me snag it. It’d make us a fortune!
While I sneak around being awesome and using my accurate archery skills to kill these ‘falmer’ things and giant insects, stupid vampire girl is going around setting off every single trap she can find.
Ya know what? I wouldn’t mind, but she’s got bloody night vision.
Huh. This poor bugger just died right here? Weird. There’s a buncha pulleys and stuff ahead, and Serana seems to think there’s some giant monster up ahead.
Would ya believe it? It’s a fricking saber-toothed cat. It dies pretty quickly. Don’t get what them Falmer were so scared of, with their gigantic poison-spitting insects.
This place is actually huge. And glowy. But I can see one of those transforming dome things and a white guy ahead, so that’s good.
I took a shortcut down a slope. Wise move, this place really is massive. My legs are gonna start getting tired soon.
We’re getting somewhere!
This snow elf is a ghost, but he’s kind enough to let me fill the ewer.
Okay, this is different.
It’s no longer dark. Serana complains about the weather then asks if we can find a cave. I want to bludgeon her with a golf trophy, despite my standards.
We step outside, despite Serana’s complaints, and we’re hit by this beauty.
And I thought that cave was huge. This place is something else.
The next wayshrine is here. Wasn’t that far a walk. Killed a Falmer who looked angry and stole his arrows, as I felt like I was running low.
Yes, yes, fill my ewer!
The thing opens up and it has a portal in it, so I can go back to the cave. Nah, mate, I’ll pass.
More walking. This place is stupidly big.
There’s a stupid ‘frost giant’ thing. Bloody tough brute, takes forever for us to kill. He’s got some shiny giant gem on it. Ain’t worth as much as I thought though.
Random dead guy, being haunted by an ice thing. I sneezed and fire came out. And there ain’t anything good in that chest either.
G’day, mate! What’s this? Number three?
Learning, eh? Well, I learned that you snow elves really like walking. And weird buildings, jugs and the sun. Suppose it could be worse.
That Celegriath guy points me towards the fourth Wayshrine.
I suddenly feel uncomfortable.
It’s a giant icy lake. Now, I ain’t some stupid mongrel, I’m going along the edge. The cliffs are too high to climb, and I ain’t got any rope.
There’s like a castle or something up there. None of that Demoman crap though. Is that were I’m supposed to be going?
Suddenly the ground shakes.
For once in her bloody life, Serana is right. Where DID you come from, you bloody reptile?
There’s TWO of them!
Twins, I guess.
Time for some cool action shots.
I’ll be honest, mates, I just shouted at them then shot arrows at them. They just wanted to fry Serana. I don’t blame the winged wankers, she’s annoying as heck and just gets in my way, but come on.
I think we did it?
Yes! We did it!
Take that, ya bloody fruit shop owners! Now we can cross the rest of this bloody lake.
Oh, also, don’t fret if your vampire girl ‘accidentally’ falls into these giant holes. Serana can teleport. I bloody well can’t.
Four outta five. Getting there. But I noticed there’s now a ton of those Falmer again.
Feels like I’m intruding. I decide to take a note out of Spy’s book and not piss these mongrels off. Sneaky sneaky.
Yeah, this place is too big.
These stupid green pods keep on opening up, no matter how well I sneak past them. Spy’s a cheatin’ bastard with that invisibility watch of his. Serana is no help what so ever.
Damn bugs nearly killed me. Ain’t got a clue where Serana is. She’ll catch up.
I decide to take a quick break here. Been walking for bloody ages, and I killed two dragons on top of that. I’m knackered. After a little snooze, we’re ready.