I’d be a Great Team Rocket Leader

I’ll be blunt. The leaders of Team GO Rocket are pretty mediocre. They have all the battling skills of Jesse and James and none of the joy and enthusiasm. And their boss in particular really has an odd way of showing up, talking big then getting his ass kicked. While being the CEO of a company AND being the CEO of Team Rocket, Giovanni is lucky that he holds a majority stake of both companies and can’t be voted out via his shareholders. So, as an offer of help and support, Giovanni has been sent on holiday for a bit with his pet Lugia, while I busy myself with the control of Team GO Rocket.

Now, if all this sounds familiar, you’d probably be right. After all, I did cover this all the way back in 2019, where I talked about being a GO Rocket Leader. Even back then, before we had things like XL Candy and level 50 Pokemon, I could see that current GO Rocket would most likely bankrupt itself and I’ve basically been right ever since. I have done over 2000 Team Rocket fights and won pretty much all of them, aside from a few right when Team GO Rocket first appeared. However, I’m now looking at this from Team GO Rocket’s point of view, and most of my recommendations would upset all you Pokemon Trainers out there.

So, let’s get to work.

Stop dropping all those damn eggs.

I honestly don’t know where you are getting all these eggs, but you all need to stop. My three little team leaders in particular. Yes, Sienna, you mentioned that these eggs have rare Pokemon inside them. I know that you three are working on hatching them early. You need to stop carrying these eggs around with you. Our special shadow eggs are 1. expensive to make and 2. not actually Shadow Pokemon at all. I don’t even know why we are bothering with these.

If you are going to abandon Pokemon, don’t abandon the good ones!

What is the matter with you grunts? We need these Pokemon to make money. But we make no money if you abandon your Pokemon. After all, you grunts then need to make more Shadow Pokemon, which you will invariably lose again. You damn Team Leaders are the worst at this. Arlo, how dare you leave a BAGON behind?

What do we do about it? Quite simple. If we are going to leave behind Pokemon (which we shouldn’t) then abandon critters like Weedle and Caterpie, rather than anything with actual value.

Steal some actually useful things.

We need to expand our business horizons and start stealing more things. Pokestops are ineffective and too easily recognizable. We should focus on gyms as well as Pokestops, as gyms potentially have more loot. Gyms also act as portals for new Pokemon to appear, via Raid Battles. All of this is an untapped resource for us, which we should be exploiting right now.

However, simple theft will only get us so far. We need to up our game and start stealing Pokemon. There are plenty around to steal. Again, gyms come back into the equation. There are plenty of Raids where no pesky trainers decide to deal with, leaving us with powerful Pokemon that we can claim for ourselves.

For the love of Arceus, change up your damn battle parties!

You know why Team GO Rocket gets beaten all the time? Simply put, you all just use a handful of Pokemon, all with a matching type. Some of you grunts do actually try to properly fight back. Fairy Grunt is a good example, as her Snubbulls have Bite, which helps tear apart all those damn Metagrosses. The rest of you though need to put in more effort. I’m looking at you, Electric Female Grunt. Get rid of those damn Voltorbs, no one likes them. You too, Water Male Grunt. The Magikarp trick only works if you have a Gyarados at the end, but even then, you’re still just using one type of Pokemon.

Anyway, with all these changes implemented, I hope to see some progress from my team leaders as soon as possible. Cliff, Arlo, Sienna, please stop letting me down. Otherwise I might have to replace you. Like I’m pretending to replace Giovanni.