Gargh! We’re all pirates ‘ere!

So, a Demoknight walks into a bar. He’s all dressed up in pirate cosmetics, parrot on his shoulder, a stupid peg leg, that damn Bounty Hat spitting coins everywhere, carrying a Persian Persuader. He’s also got a Tide Turner, but for some reason, it’s strapped to his crotch rather than his arm. Everyone’s giving him funny looks, but no one really wants to ask this drunken Demoknight what’s going on.

Finally, the Demoknight makes it to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey, before demanding the entire bottle. The Sniper behind the bar finally decides to ask what’s up with the damn Demoknight.

“Hey, er, Demo, about that Tide Turner…”

“Whah, this beaut?”

“What’s it there for? Does it… bother you?”

The Demoknight gurgles his drink before answering.

“Gargh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

I love that joke. It’s one of those jokes I’ll always laugh at. And it’s fitting, because today, September 19th, is Talk Like A Pirate Day, one of the best days of the year. What a great day to talk about pirate cosmetics!

Really, now more than ever, any class can dress themselves up as a Pirate. Of course, some classes really don’t look ‘classically’ pirate-y at all, particularly Medics, but even then, there’s plenty of items for the same time period.


Of course, Demoman has it the easiest. He has a huge number of items, not all of them restricted to full moons, that make him look incredibly pirate-y. The Bird-Man of Aberdeen, the Liqueur Locker and the Buccaneer’s Bicorne basically guarantee a pirate look, and there’s also cheaper alternatives like the Tippler’s Tricorne, the Rimmed Rain Catcher and the Pirate Bandana if you so prefer.

There’s a nice chunk of Halloweed-restricted cosmetics, like Squid’s Lid, Cap’n Calamari and the Parasight. Despite being restricted, really do make Demoman look the part, in a more horror-based way. On top of that, Demoman has the added bonus of owning uniquely pirate-like weapons to help him out. The aforementioned Tide Turner, Persian Persuader and Bootlegger all add to the pirate-iness of it all.

It’s easier for other classes too though. Soldier and Scout both boast their own pirate hats. Soldier has the Caribbean Conqueror and Scout has the B’aaarrgh-n-Bicorne. Out of the two, Scout’s hat is better, but Soldier’s is… more historically accurate, more along the lines of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies than your traditional classic pirate fun stuff. Both hats have misc items to go with them, so you can wear a full set. You can paint them all hideous too.

Even less pirate-y classes like Spy and Medic can get in on the act. The Foppish Physician and the Distinguished Rogue aren’t exactly pirate-y, but worn on their own, they do give an old-timey look that may kinda sort of blend in with that sort of historical era. It’s not great, but it’s better than nothing.

Really, though, if you want the proper pirate experience, get yourself an Eye-Catcher, the paintable eye patch, and a Steam Treasure Hunt Bounty Hat. Both are all-class items, meaning you don’t need to go and buy tons of extra items or anything. The Bounty Hat is hard to get now, but the Eye-Catcher should be easy to find. Or just play Demoman for the day.

So what’re ye waitin’ for! Go be a pirate, ya damn landlubber! Gargh!

Also, happy birthday, mum 🙂


Also known as Doctor Retvik Von Schreibtviel, Medic writes 50% of all the articles on the Daily SPUF. A dedicated Medic main in Team Fortress 2 and an avid speedster in Warframe, Medic has the unique skill of writing 500 words about very little in a very short space of time.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *