First impressions of the Smissmass 2017 Cosmetics

The Smissmass 2017 update dropped recently, and if any of you actually believed that there aren’t any cosmetics with this updates you must be from 2007. There are also some new taunts released with the update, but that isn’t my business to care. I am only here to look at the new hats.

And as per usual, I’ll just wait a few days for the prices to drop, then get the ones I like on the SCM. It’s a lot more convenient than using the trading system.

Sledder’s Sidekick



Seriously, what more do you want from me? It’s a puppy! It’s so much better than the Catastrophic Companions since puppies are at least five times better than kittens.




Oh man, this thing’s all-class.

It’s an absolute eyesore, and that’s not just because of it’s colour. It looks like someone stole a large Balloonicorn, skinned its face off, glued two plastic disks over the eyes and add a zipper tongue. And of course there will be people that want something like this.

I don’t really hate it, I just find that it looks too cartoony. And I don’t think it goes well on anyone but the Pyro.

The cosmetic itself is well done, but the concept is rather …


Pocket Yeti


Oh bloody hell, another pocket cosmetic. Just die already. It looks like something you’ll find at the tourist trap Mercenary Park souvenir shop. In the bargain bin. And it’s still a few hundred times more expensive than it should be.


Trucker’s Topper


A Scout/ Engineer cosmetic. Texas is the stereotypical redneck state, so I’m not surprised Engineer got this. After all, Engineer is no stranger to cosmetics reflecting unflattering stereotypes about him. As for Scout, I have no clue why he got it.

Appearance-wise though, it fits Scout more than Engie. And it’ll make him look like Ellis two years after the events of L4D2. Not exactly my taste, but it’ll do I guess.


Burning Beanie


It’s something I guess. It looks like Pyro stole the flame from the Statue of Liberty, spray-painted it and jammed it on his head.


Cat’s Pajamas


I … actually quite like this. It’s so good for adorable Pyro loadouts. Please let it have a style where one ear is flopped down.

Be the catgirlPyro you always want to be, people.


Coldfront Commander


Apparently it was based on the Galactic Marines from Star Wars. Hell if I know. Never watched any Star Wars movies and not planning to in the foreseeable future. Could’ve been from Star Trek for all I know.

… I am going to be burned at the stake for this isn’t it.

On its own, it’s a pretty good helmet. I would say it’ll be good for making desert warfare themed loadouts due to the veil. It’ll look right at home in a Mad Max set. Of course, if someone can see the goodness of this hat for what it is instead of being so hung up about Star Wars…

Burned at the stake


Coldfront Carapace


This was made as a set with the Coldfront Commander.

I always quite like armour cosmetics, and this one is something I really appreciate. It’s probably not going to replace my Das Metalmeatencasen anytime soon, and it does look like Medic decided to strap some plastic flaps on himself when compared to the Metalmeatencasen’s riveted steel plates. Still, it serves well as body armour for either modern or futuristic war-themed sets, and that I like. Metalmeatencasen’s heavy metal plates looks a bit weird for sci-fi settings. You thought they’ll have better armour by then instead of some sawed-up pieces of car doors.

Before this, the Metalmeatencasen and the Bunnyhopper’s Ballistics Vest are Medic’s only viable body armour options for everyday wear. It’s nice to see another option that doesn’t tread on the toes of its brethren.


Blast Blocker


Oh you beautiful misc, where were you when I was trying to build a loadout for the Blast Defense?

It’s a new body armour cosmetic in the same style as the Juggernaut Jacket and the Hurt Locher. They are all based off conventional body armour, but all three are fairly different. Hurt Locher has that giant collar which is based on bomb suits. The Juggernaut Jacket is the most subtle of the three, closely resembling Demoman’s default jacket while removing the bright orange-yellow grenades on his chest. The Blast Blocker has those yellow and black bands on it.

I suppose it just comes down to personal choice as to which one you want to use, since all three fit within the same theme. I personally find the Locher’s giant collar annoying since it clips with a lot of the larger hats. I personally like the Blast Blocker, but as to whether I’ll actually buy it to replace my Juggernaut Jacket, I’m not sure.


Hungover Hero


Yes, it’s a Frozone reference.

But even without the Frozone reference, it’s still a great sci-fi themed cosmetic for Demoman. I now wish for the SCRVmP-Y 3000 and the Holo Hurtstopper to be added to the game and go full-on sci-fi Demoknight. It’ll be fantastic.


Handsome Hitman


Not fussed about it to be honest. The Scoper’s Smoke already exists and is much better looking in my opinion.


Puffy Polar Cap

snipe hat

This is one hat that I wish is all-class. We have a lot of winter-themed all-class hats, but this one looks pretty nice and is different from the rest. Why does Sniper get to hog something so nice for himself?


Sinner’s Shade

hoovy fedora

The fact that the Desperado Duster, the coat made to go with this and the Wild West Whiskers as a set, isn’t added to the game … is a sin.

That aside, it’s a pretty nice wide-brim hat for the Heavy.


Wild West Whiskers


It’s alright I guess. Heavy doesn’t have this particular style of facial hair yet. It’s an option.

They managed to pick the two least cool items of the set to add into the game. Come on Valve, the Duster looks awesome!


Polar Bear


Again, just like with the Puffy Polar Cap, I wish this is all-class.


Brass Bucket


The Soldier doesn’t have any sort of medieval attire to go with this, which is a shame since he does get quite a few medieval helmets. I do like the rocket forming part of the nose guard though, that’s a rather nice touch.

Digressing for a bit, there are a lot of medieval helmets that are all-class, but there isn’t much medieval armour lying around. Every class except for Scout, Pyro, and Demoman do not have any medieval armour. I’ve been using Das Metalmeatencasen for my Medieval Medic set, which is the best I can do for him.


Down Tundra Coat


Given that the Extra Layer, Snow Scoper and Snow Sleeves already exist, a fourth winter coat for the Sniper seems a bit much. This does look a lot warmer compared to whatever he already has though, so there’s that. Again, it’s another option, and it does stand out from the others.


Pocket Santa

pocket again

Another pocket cosmetic. That looks like a potato dressed up as Santa stuffed in a miniature chimney. Bloody hell.


Melody of Misery


Just in case you need more reminders that the Demoman is Scottish.

I like this actually. Pair it with the Bad Pipes to get two more bagpipes the Demoman shouldn’t own. Man Demoman is awful at this.


Caribou Companion

beanie again

And here it is. This year’s all-class goofy beanie thingy, after last year’s Snowmann.

Between the two, I’ll say I prefer this one more. It just looks cuter than the Snowmann to me.


And that is a quick look through every single cosmetic released in Smissmass 2017. I’ll say this time’s haul is decent. Spy got shafted the worst this time round, getting nothing for himself. Scout and Engineer get to share one cap between themselves. Other than that, most of the cosmetics we get are pretty good. I personally love the Medic cosmetics, the Polar Bear, the Sledder’s Sidekick and the Blast Blocker.


Merry Christmas, and see you all next year*!


*I think. Medic may schedule another article of mine to go up before the year ends. Who knows?

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